Signature Quotes: What's left over. Part III

These are my collection of sig quotes, collected from years of crawling about the Internet. Share and Enjoy...

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"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Time is nature's way of making sure everything doesn't happen at once.
The only time you don't fail is the last time you try anything--and it works. -- William Strong 
Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. -Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University,1929 
The longest distance between two points is with children. 
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 
There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written. That is all. --Oscar Wilde 
And the first rude sketch that the world had seen was joy to his mighty heart, Till the Devil whispered behind the leaves "It’s pretty, but is it Art?" -- Rudyard Kipling, The Conundrum of the Workshops 
Money talks... it usually says "bend over"...
SURREAL SAGE SEZ: Monotheism is a gift from the gods.
"Let's assume you arrive at show day totally prepared, and everything goes exactly as planned. We can also assume that you'll never pay taxes or die." -- Bill Stunt, RECORDING Magazine, August 1996.
Why is it that the day you'ld sell your soul to get something, souls are a glut on the market?
How can you say luck and chance are the same thing? Chance is the first step you take, luck is what comes afterwards. -- Amy Tan
If you can't learn do it well learn to enjoy doing it badly.
"We are spacemen! We know what we are doing!" -- Daniel Pinkwater
"Seattle. The smaller, rainier, more inbred version of San Francisco." -- Kenji Schwarz
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible. -A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Yes, my un-PC soul will be probably be darned to the deepest pits of heck for saying such a thing.  See y'all there" -- Kenji Schwarz
The Future is in Beta
When the music in your head takes over, how do you deal with the confused people around you who can't hear it?
Edmund Blackadder III: "Baldric, an eternity with Satan and all of his demons will be more enjoyable to you than five minutes with me and this pencil!"
P.E.T.A. - People for the Eating of Tasty Animals
Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.
Twisted mind? No, just bent in several strategic places.
A goal is a dream with a deadline.
"That is a trick question that I am not prepared to answer." - Charlie Neemi
"It is better to have more lightning in the brain and less thunder in the mouth." - Sioux saying
"Babeheart?  What's it about?"
"It's about a cute little pig that slaughters the English" -- Freakazoid
Tatoos are the leisure suit of the 90s. -- Sean Tuite
"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -- Aristotle
Just remember:  The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
"When evil's afoot, and you don't have any arms, you've got to do a little leg work. And when evil's ahead, and you're a little behind, you've got to stay hip. You've got to keep on your toes! You've got to kick a little..." -- The Tick
Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
A pessimist is an optimist with a sense of history.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality.
A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations.
A mathematician doesn't care.
"I'm not easy, but I can be tricked."
I'm a cheap date, but an expensive pet.
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel." -- Homer J. Simpson
Don't believe a word your Grandfather says, he's been classified grade A psychotic. You can see it from the hole in his head, a saner man would have used a bigger gun.
"I'm just like anybody else, I want to be a non-conformist too." - Lenny Bruce  
Estimates of high-speed police pursuits in America range up to 250,000 a year, with resulting fatalities estimated as high as 2,500 annually. Estimate by STOPP (Solutions to Tragedies of Police Pursuits), Jeffrey Maceiko, director.
"Hmph.  Thanks, but opiates are the mass of my religion.  Well, not opiates, but -- y'know." -- Kenji Schwarz
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
There are a lot of things that people will be able to put on my gravestone, but "Worked and Played Well with Tyrants" will not be one of them. -- C.D. Tavares
Too deep to fathom. But shallow enough to wade in.
"Your culture is interesting. We are fascinated by your people - we sometimes journey south and learn of your ways." -- Comedian ROBIN WILLIAMS comments on how he feels when he visits Los Angeles from his native San Francisco.
"I'm not a sex kitten any more. Perhaps you could describe me as a sex cat." -- 53-year-old JACQUELINE BISSET seems comfortable with her advancing years.
If you're not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
"I asked my friend, 'What are your three favorite pleasures in life?' and she replied, 'A martini before and a cigarette after.'"
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo by Walt Kelly
"Never speak for others. You can get in enough trouble speaking for yourself."
"A man may fight for many things; his country, his principles, his friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mudwrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock, and a stack of French porn." - Edmund Blackadder
Alcohol and calculus don't  mix.  Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy
Lucy Muir: He took me unawares!
Rex Harrison as Captain Gregg : [laughs] My dear, since Eve picked the apple, no woman has ever been taken entirely unawares.
- The Ghost and Mrs. Muir (1947)
"Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." -- Mark Twain
A Brothel is like a singles bar...only your odds are a helluva lot better!
I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
snorffgk : 1. Sound of contempt. 2. Sound made when inhaling a bran muffin halfway up your nose.
Names Explained 5: ROSE
As with Heather, Violet etc. this name originates from the unforunate inability of the Victorians to differentiate their female children from vegetation.
Ultimately, most problems can be solved by applying a large brick to the correct skull. Difficulties arise when you do not have a brick, or cannot find the correct skull. The devil is in the details....
Law schools' oversupply of persons eligible to sit for the bar exam has resulted in a "toxic waste pool" of lawyers that spawns costly frivolous law suits.
"The spread of evil is the symptom of a vacuum. Whenever evil wins, it is only by default: By the moral failure of those who evade the fact that there can be no compromise on basic principles." Ayn Rand (1905-1982)
‘It’s like catching your grandmother stealing your stereo. On one hand, you’re happy to get the stereo back. On the other, you’re sad to find out your grandma’s a thief.’ -- MICHAEL NESMITH (Ex-Monkee) on PBS
Once is Happenstance;
Twice is Coincidence;
Third time is Enemy Action
-- Ian Fleming (Goldfinger)
GLADSTONE: "Mr Disraeli, you will probably die by the hangman's noose or a vile disease".
DISRAELI: "That depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress".
"Red meat isn't bad for you. Blue green fuzzy meat is bad for you."
"We apologize for this slight oversight.  We take it as demonstrated that the flaws are merely basic and fundamental, while the design is perfect in its details.  Orders will be accepted for wholesale and retail lots immediately." -- Kenji Schwartz
Everything in this book may be wrong. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
"Let us know if you win this one, so I can be ready to wing-shoot me some bacon." -- C.D. Tavares
Bagdikian's Observation:
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele
"When Mother Jones calls a position "unusual," you KNOW it has to be out beyond eight sigmas." -- C.D. Tavares
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
You sound reasonable ... time to up my medication
"Doritos are only the latest of items which are blamed for turning the Trenchcoat Mafia's members into murderous sociopaths. Other alleged influences include the computer game DOOM, the Internet, trenchcoats, the german language, and Hanes brand underwear. No blame has yet been laid on a violence-centered and pro-militaristic news media or parents that let didn't bother to raise their children." -- Segfault.org
"Everything great and intelligent is in the minority." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult." -- Sigmund Freud
"Another fertile source of ["moral insanity"] appears to be an undue indulgence in the perusal of the numerous works of fiction...with the effect of vitiating the taste and corrupting the morals of the young. Parents cannot too cautiously guard their young daughters against this pernicious practice." - Dr. W.H. Stokes, Scientific American, April 1849
SI VIS PACEM, PARA BELLUM
....."And how we burned in the camps later, thinking: What would things have been like if every Security operative, when he went out at night to make an arrest, had been uncertain whether he would return alive and had to say goodbye to his family? Or if , during periods of mass arrests, as for example in Leningrad, when they arrested a quarter of the entire city, people had not simply sat there in their lairs, paling in terror at every bang of the downstairs door and at every step on the staircase, but had understood they had nothing left to lose and had boldly set up in the downstairs hall an ambush of half a dozen people with axes, hammers, pokers, or whatever else was at hand. -- The Organs would very quickly have suffered a shortage of officers and transport and, notwithstanding all of Stalin's thirst, the cursed machine would have ground to a halt!" -- Alexandr Solzhenitzyn, The Gulag Archipelago
"One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that, would tell one anything." -- Oscar Wilde
You know, Evil comes in many forms, be it a man-eating cow or Joseph Stalin. But you can't let the package hide the pudding! Evil is just plain BAD! You don't cotton to it! You've got to smack it in the nose with the rolled up newspaper of GOODNESS! BAD DOG! BAD DOG! -- The Tick
I am a mental tourist, My mind wanders!
Dyslexic devil worshippers sell their souls to Santa!
Put knot yore trussed in spel chequers!
Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
Name a creature with an arm and four legs? A happy pitbull.
"For any statement, no matter how innocuous, there exists a nonempty set of people who will take offense at it."
Sarchasm - The gulf between the author of sarcasm and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Zen does not confuse spirituality with thinking about God while one is peeling potatoes. Zen spirituality is just to peel the potatoes. -- Alan Watts.
One man's magic is another man's engineering.
"A good ad should be like a good sermon: It must not only comfort the afflicted, it also must afflict the comfortable." -- Bernice Fitz-Gibbon (1895-1982) USA advertising executive. Director of advertising for Macy's department store.
"When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it's only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it's two hours. That's relativity." -- Albert Einstein
Never underestimate the will of the downtrodden to lie flatter.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those who opposed them.
Weird, Crafty, & Marginally Sane.
Oprah is Harpo spelled backwards.
"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end." -- Seen on an insurance form
The stuff was so strong, the bar prices were in Braille.
When you're swimmin' in the creek And an eel bites your cheek That's a moray! -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
"I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said." -- William Buckley, Jr.
Cats know what we feel.
They don't care; but they know.
"An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different levels. The monkeys on the top look down and all they see are smiling faces, the monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes."
Oh well, if we must flagellate the moribund equine...
History keeps repeating itself, like bad chilli.
"I used to think it was OK to rush through instructions, especially the long ones. Then I wondered if the guy who installed my new roof thought the same." -- Anonymous
"Violence is a part of the human nature. I believe that by censoring it you drive it into the underground where it can only come out even worse. I'm not willing to do that even for one day. I'm tired of the notion that we can improve ourselves by cutting off bits. Violence is necessary, it is what impels us to defend our loved ones and family and selves when required. I am not anti-violence. I am against the misuse of violence, but I will never become the sort of person that is so against violence that they'd allow their spouse to be raped, for example, rather than fight. Violent movies, for the most part, celebrate heroism-- the person who endures violence in order to defend or help others." -- Kiri Aradia Morgan
"Praying is talking to God...Meditation is quieting the mind so that we are able to hear God's answer. Trying to make it more than that is the equivalent of looking for Mighty Mouse snorting cocaine in cartoons...the word "anal" comes to mind." -- J.R. West
sadoequinecrophilia, a wonderful constructed word meaning the passionate love of beating a dead horse.
"If it ain't broke, you ain't tryin'." -- Red Green
Finagle's Eighth Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Ninth Law: No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it.
Finagle's Tenth Law:No matter what the result someone is always eager to misinterpret it.
Finagle's Eleventh Law: No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory.
"Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on." -- Terry Pratchett
"PETA: People for Extremely Twisted Analogies." -- John Carroll, The Boston Globe, page A23, 1-Sept-1999
"There is a certain sea anemone that spends the early part of its life floating about the ocean looking for a good place to attach itself, a place where it will remain for the rest of its life. Once it finds such a place, it no longer needs its brain - so it eats it. This process is very similar to tenure."
Vikings? There ain't no Vikings here. Just us honest farmers.
The town was burning, the villagers were dead. They didn't need those sheep anyway.
That's our story and we're sticking to it.
"I wouldn't mind dying -- it's the business of having to staying dead that scares the shit out of me." -- R. Geis
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of bad Karma to burn off.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
"I am willing to suspend my disbelief, but not to hang it by the neck until dead."
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
The biggest difference between an American and an Englishman: an American thinks a hundred years is a long time, an Englishman thinks a hundred miles is a long way. -- Walt Smith
The Buck doesn't even slow down here.
Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but whips and chains excite me.
Ingrate, n.: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you." -- C.G. Jung (1875-1961)
"If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.' -- Alice - Through the Looking Glass
"Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me." -- Ambrose Bierce
"It has often enough been pointed out that it is quite absurd that there should be any local patriotism around baseball. The players are mercenaries who make no pretense of playing for anything but money, and who play where they are paid best."--from the New York Times, 10/3/1897
"To live is to dream. To die is to awaken, Please don't wake me up." -- veteran rock guitarist CARLOS SANTANA, accepting one of the record-tying eight Grammys he took home for his comeback album Supernatural.
"I want to say thanks to Carlos Santana for not being in this category." singer-songwriter SHERYL CROW, receiving her Grammy in the female rock category for a cover of the Guns N' Roses song "Sweet Child O' Mine."
"On that hideous night, foetid clouds gathered to obscure the dim sienna moon and soon commenced to pour a loathsome and oily rain upon the twisted, many-branched forest." -- Glenn Goffin preparing for the Bulwer-Lytton Contest
"I am not a nit-picker. I'm a manual de-lousing specialist!"
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
"I resent your implication that Americans are insensitive to the culture of the unwashed, ignorant heathens that populate the rest of the world." - Shawn Wilson, in a.f.m
"Man has an inalienable right to go to hell in his own fashion, provided he does not directly injure the person or property of another on the way. The criminal law is an inefficient instrument for imposing the good life on others. In short, the law has become too much of a moral busybody."
"If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid."
"Amplifying fears is our job and our pleasure. The one bias I'll concede all of us in this business fall prey to: we want there to be a story, and "no problems" is not much of a story." -- RICK HOLMES, METROWEST NEWS
"I am very fond of truth, but not at all of martyrdom" -- Voltaire
"A spoon does not know the taste of soup, nor a learned fool the taste of wisdom." -- Welsh Proverb
"Sometimes the only thing we women want is a dick and no arguments. What could make us happier?" -- Linda Fiorentino
If this is a Global Village, then you must be the Global Village Idiot.......
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." -- Mahatma Gandhi
"When you own a dog, you have a loyal companion for life. When you have a cat, you have a room mate who has his own ideas about things and tolerate you as long as you provide food. Cats are not domesticated." -- Tod Glenn
'There are no dangerous drugs, just unskilled users.'
"Elvis blew the lid off the sexually repressed, uptight '50s, set the stage for the upheavals of the '60s, and was the excesses of the '70s. Elvis lives in our consciousness as icon, cautionary tale, alter ego and punchline, embodying a litany of contradictions: a great talent with a boundless capacity for schlock, a transcendent live performer who starred in some of the most god-awful movies known to man, a rebel who willingly served his country, and most enigmatically, a man who liked white gravy on top of his brown gravy." -- Dennis Miller
I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but I've been trying to shove one in ever since.
Demented is just another word for brilliantly original.
It's very hard to stay married when your object in life is to become a sociopath.
You're not keeping your upper lip stiff.
We have a four-page prenuptial agreement signed in blood.
"That's love." "No, that's stupidity."
It was blasphemous, it was sacrilegious, and it was a little bit too much fun.
You're nice and you're interesting, so it's hard to believe you're completely sane.
As somebody-or-other said, "Nice guys finish last," which is no bad thing in a lover.
I'm just a tad confused, but orgies do that to me.
I wonder if he's as cheap as he is easy.
This may be The One--at least for a week or two.
For $200 an hour, I want more than sex--I want legal services
Tis better to be too paranoid, than not paranoid enough...
"Not to be mean but that would require your opinion to mean something to me personally."
"When in doubt, always have two men with guns burst in the door." -- Raymond Chandler on writing a mystery.
The conquest of space is facing two major problems: gravity and red tape.
We could have managed gravity. -- Werner von Braun
You can crush a man with journalism. -- William Randolph Hearst
Were he still broadcasting, Walter Cronkite might end his newscast with ``and that's the way we say it is'' to better represent the tenor of today's news media. -- Connect magazine (Spring 1996)
Today's leading journalists are politically liberal and alienated from traditional norms and institutions. . . . Yet theirs is not the New Deal liberalism of the underprivileged, but the contemporary social liberalism of the urban sophisticate. . . . They differ most from the general public. . . on the divisive social issues that have emerged since the 1960s -- abortion, gay rights, affirmative action, et cetera. . . . They would like to strip traditional powerbrokers of their influence and empower black leaders, consumer groups, intellectuals, and . . . the media. -- S. Robert Lichter, Stanley Rothman and Linda S. Lichter, ``The Media Elite,'' Communication Arts Books, 1990
Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read. -- Frank Zappa (1940-1993)
"Those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained." -- William Blake
"The was I see it, if you want the rainbow you got to put up with the rain." -- Dolly Parton
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
"That wickedness weltering around inside of you, inside of everyone, is sacred somewhere. There's a deity out there who digs it. You can respect and love your darkest side, disposing of only what is obsolete or impractical. It's all about giving yourself permission." -- Jack Darkhand
"Personally, I'd take a terrier over a cat any day. I want a vermin eradicator, not a spoiled room mate." -- Tod Glenn
"Zen is discipline in enlightment" --D.T. Suzuki
"Art is the lie that shows us the truth" -- Picasso
Just putting in my two cents after taking them off my eyelids
"If you drop a cartridge on your foot and it doesn't hurt, your gun ain't big enough."
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
Personally I celebrated Jan 1st 2000 for being the start of a really neat-numbered year and will celebrate Jan 1st 2001 as the start of the 21st Century.
Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and a conscientious stupidity. -- DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING
Those who know the [beaver] well generally concede that its intelligence can be rated somewhere between that of a wagon wheel and a tire iron. -- PETER G. MIRICK ("MASSACHUSETTS WILDLIFE," 1994)
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse
Born to be Wild. Sentenced to Sedation.
YINCH = Young Intellectual Naysaying Hipster
"I swear I'm as British as Queen Victoria!"
"So your father was German, you're half German and you married a German?"
Blackadder Goes Forth (WW1 trenches sitcom)
Here's a Finnish contradiction: Why do Finnish people knife each other when drunk, when they have guns?
They enjoy the challenge?
Either that, or they prefer to save their ammo for the Russians....
Q. Why dfo they eat so much yogurt in LA?
A. They gotta get some culture down there..
"Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?" I thought to myself - Mary Malmros
"It gives a new meaning to affirmative action. She said, 'You want some action?' [Rev. Jackson] said, 'Affirmative.' " -- Jay Leno
"Inquiring minds want to know" -- Torquemada
"Old dogs, like old shoes, are comfortable. They might be a bit out of shape and a little worn around the edges, but they fit well." -- Bonnie Wilcox
"What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the fight in the dog." - President Dwight David Eisenhower
"To be sure, the dog is loyal. But why, on that account, should we take him as an example? He's loyal to men, not to other dogs." - Karl Kraus
"So many get reformed through religion. I got reformed through dogs." -- Lina Basquette
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Surreal Sage sez: Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
"History never repeats itself, but sometimes it rhymes." -- Mark Twain
Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.
"Life is like Sanskrit read to a pony." -- Lou Reed
Fac me cocleario vomere! -- Gag me with a spoon!
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
Ventis secundis, tene cursum. -- Go with the flow.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Re vera, potas bene. -- Say, you sure are drinking a lot.
Sic faciunt omnes. -- Everyone is doing it.
"Hospital-acquired infections kill about 90,000 people every year in the United States." - MIT's Techology Review Magazine, March 2001
"What is luck? Luck is probability taken personally. It is the excitement of bad math." -- Penn and Teller
"Dealing with people is like playing cards. I always start everyone off with a full deck. Then it's their choice whether or not they want to discard any plays." -- Jen Seng
"And the moral of the story is to never lean on the weird. Or they will chop your head off. And perverts will eat your brains." -- Hunter S. Thompson
"Hear the voices in my head, swear to God it sounds like they're snoring." -- Harvey Danger
"Same Circus. New Clowns"
Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur! -- Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket!
"A prince being thus obliged to know well how to act as a beast must imitate the fox and the lion, for the lion cannot protect himself from traps, and the fox cannot defend himself from wolves. One must therefore be a fox to recognize traps, and a lion to frighten wolves. Those that wish to be only lions do not understand this." -- The Prince - Chapter 18
Radix lecti -- Couch potato
"That way leads to madness, and sweaty palms." -- Willow, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Skate Fast Over Thin Ice
Let's not reinvent the flat tire.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
"What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary." -- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown
"As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so." -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
Onto to Part 4
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