Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
Tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.
Never let the truth stand in the way of a good rumor.
"The world is controlled by a small, evil group to which no one knows I belongs." -- Berkeley California Philosopher Ashleigh Brilliant
I'm wearing black only until I find something darker.
Nachts kommen die Eisweasels.
"I fear smart fabrics. They'd look at me and say "whoah! You're not wearing me!". They'd constrict and refuse to let me put them on...." -- Rob Myers
Personality Implosion due to frustration and lack of traction.
"Man, if nature abhors a vacuum, she must really have it in for your brain." -- Douglas E. Berry
DA: M'am, why did you continue firing after you had shot the person who was trying to rape you ?
Woman: I wanted to attract attention.
DA: Why did you place those shots in the body of your attacker ?
Woman: It was the best bullet-trap available.
DISCLAIMER: Wasn't me! A monkey sat at my keyboard and typed one key per second for five years until he got this!
Volvo, Video, Velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.
"Yes, well, that's the sort of blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage." -- Monty Python
To post or not to post, that is the question...Whether 'tis nobler on the 'net to suffer, the flames from outrageous loonies or to press 'F'
against a sea of slander and by opposing end them? To send KILL signal; to sleep(1); No more...
Uhlmann's Razor: "When stupidity is sufficient explanation, there is no need to have recourse to any other." -- Robert Uhlmann, former Attorney General of the United States
"But you see, if you raise a child Islamically, then that child, after puberty, is as much an adult as anybody else. But only if you raise that child correctly.
If you were to not raise that child correctly, then that child after puberty stays immature, and so a waste of a human being." -- Bobby Mozumder on alt.atheism
"You're like a bunch of over-educated, New York jewish ACLU lawyers fighting to eliminate school prayer from the public schools in Arkansas" -- Holly Silva (silva@pangea.Stanford.EDU), a self proclaimed liberal.
"I'm for truth, no matter who tells it.
I'm for justice, no matter who it is for or against.
"At the end of this decade, no one will be sure of anything except that you must obey the rules, sex will kill you, politicians lie, rain is poison, and the world is run by whores. These are terrible things to have to know in your life, even if you're rich." -- Hunter S. Thompson
"What is there left to a generation that has been told that there is poison in the rain and sex is death? Nothing but TV and relentless masturbation." -- Hunter S. Thompson
What you say may very well be true, but it may also very well be irrelevant.
"Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea." -- John Ciardi
I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my vodka tonic.
"Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Interrogative?"
"I got religion, changed sexual orientation once, lost my virginity once (well, you can't really do it more than once), got engaged twice, got my heart broken once, got smashing drunk a couple times, dyed my hair once, stayed up all night more than a couple times, and changed majors once. In retrospect I guess it was a pretty typical college experience." -- Heather Keith
"Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it." -- Richard Feynman
"You know that fine line between insanity and genius? You're not supposed to use it as a jumprope!" -- Jarrett Carberry
Clean, hard-working, dependable, quiet. Good God! What kind of Monster have I become?!?
My name is Mark and I'm a .sig-a-holic, I have been virtually .sig free for ten days now, my life is so much clearer, I pledge to do my best to never have a long .sig again. I don't need one because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darnit, people like me.
The UK Department of Health, statistics on admissions to hospital in 1999.
787 people were hospitalised after an incident with a bath sponge.
91 were seriously injured by breadbins.
165 were injured by placemats.
Over 3,000 had nasty encounters with laundry baskets.
Nearly 6,000 received serious injuries while doing up the zip on their trousers (ouch!)
A massive 16,662 people were put into hospital by armchairs.
Glossy magazines were 4 times more likely to be the cause of serious injury than chainsaws...
"The air goes in and out; the blood goes round and round. Any deviation from this is bad." -- unidentified medical technician
Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
English doesn't "pick up" loan words, it consciously stalks them.
"We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary." -- James D. Nicoll
"As IQ goes up happiness goes down. I have a graph right here." - Lisa Simpson
"What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?" -- Unknown
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." -- Hunter S. Thompson
"A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Monday." -- Thomas Ybarra
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Persons compelled to habitate in structures of patent frangibility should, under no circumstances, employ fragmentations of the lithosphere
as projectiles.
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
"As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath." -- Life Affirmations that are Attainable
"We're Americans. Do you know what that means? Our forefathers got kicked out of every decent country in Europe." -- Bill Murray in Stripes
"The gods watch over fools, drunkards, children, and the United States of America." -- Otto Von Bismarck
"Reporters are faced with the daily choice of painstakingly researching stories or writing whatever people tell them. Both approaches pay the same." -- Scott Adams
"Wouldn't it be worse if no one CARED enough about you to plot against you? If you were totally unimportant? At least being hunted by Black Helicopters means you're Somebody." -- Kelly St.Clair
"Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."
"In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time." -- Edward P. Tryon
"It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others." -- John Andrew Holmes
"Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it." -- Max Frisch
"There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for." -- Fred Hoyle
"My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed." -- Christopher Morley
Choose your friends carefully -- your enemies will choose themselves
Plus on est de fous, plus on s'amuse
"A drug is neither moral nor immoral - it's a chemical compound. The compound itself is not a menace to society until a human being treats it as if consumption bestowed a temporary license to act like an asshole" -- Frank Zappa
"If you can back it up, it isn't bragging!" - "Broadway" Joe Namath
"empty heads with really long tongues have to potential to actually pick their nose with same, cool eh?" -Kevin Hill
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
"We may be rabid partisans, but we're hypocritical rabid partisans." -- "Peter Trevor"
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; It is regret for the things that we did not do that is inconsolable."
"I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini." -- Alexander Woolcott
The dreary architecture of your soul. - Steely Dan
"You know what I like in a girl? Me!" -- The Bloodhound Gang
"I'm hungry like the wolf, but I'll end up tending cattle" -- You're Pretty When I'm Drunk, The Bloodhound Gang
"This is why they complain--they don't want to have brains. Those lead to thoughts, and thoughts cause only suffering. Thus, by asking them to think, you are inflicting the torments of the damned on the previously blissfully ignorant." -- John Rowat, in alt.tech-support.recovery
"A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries."
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione. => I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.
Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio. => Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway
"I believe in the soul, but I'm not at ALL certain one has to have a meat body in order to have one. I know I have a soul. I am fairly certain my cat does, too. And there's a copier down the hall that I'm about to have an exorcist called for." -- Kiri Aradia Morgan
"...for what is a penguin, if not the Antarctic's answer to the muskrat?!?)" -- David "Hyphen" Jaques-Watson
"Civilized people are taught by logic, barbarians by necessity, communities by tradition; and the lesson is inculcated even in wild beasts by nature itself. They learn that they have to defend their own bodies and persons and lives from violence of any and every kind by all the means within their power." -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
"Administer Reality In Small Doses To Consenting Adults..."
"Hell is Other Robots." -- Robot Hell Brochure, Futurama
"I submit that a leopard who goes bump in the night is a really clumsy leopard." -- Dominic von Stoesser
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. -> Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, `It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.' -- Unattributed
"That's how you know you're hooked on something; when it makes you forget to drink beer." -- Paul Mather, commenting on The Sims
"Brute force done fast enough looks slick." -- William Purves
"Neither of the two people in the room paid any attention to the way I came in, although only one of them was dead." -- Raymond Chandler, "The Big Sleep"
"We are here to drink beer ... and [to] live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us." -- Charles Bukowski
"All words have not a single meaning but a swarm of them, like bees around a hive. And like that swarm, changing its position ever-so-slightly with each wingbeat, the word's meanings change a little with each use upon the tongue or the page." -- Maureen O'Brien
Near a surfing spot in Half Moon Bay, there is a sign with two pictures. One is a harbor seal seen from below. The other is a surfboard with the
rider dangling arms and feet in the water seen from below. They are almost identical. Below the pictures is this warning: GREAT WHITE SHARKS ARE NEAR-SIGHTED AND STUPID.
"postmodernists. Idiots, autoeroticists and parasites without exception." -- Alan Bradley
"Irony, distance and lack of commitment also characterize Post Modernism. It is a dilettantish philosophy for people who want to maintain a critical posture without actually doing the work of criticism." -- Rob Myers
"A man needs a mistress if only to break the monogamy" -- Unknown
"An aesthetic, holier-than-thou way of life is a luxury. Without access to a broader based society that gets all the dirty work done, it cannot survive." -- Larsen Whipsnade
"Take responsibility for your own actions. You made decisions, and you live by 'em. People always want to blame somebody or something. It's always somebody else's fault. But it's your own damned fault." -- Mojo Nixon
Some people like a insanity in their daily routine...I'd like a little routine in my daily insanity.
Cassandra was an optimist
"Taking an ATM card to a nudie club may seem like a very good idea at the time, but later on you will regret it. Trust me on this one..."
Dogger: A two-master fishing vessel
Doggerel Bad or trivial poetry
Doggo: To lie in hiding; usually at a distance
"Yes that is one of the things that makes me convinced you are British; bacon, sausage and tomato sauce. Only the British call that cuisine. You have a wonderful history, fantastic traditions and the total lack of taste as far as food goes"
"'No user-serviceable parts inside.' I'll be the judge of that!"
I came, I saw, I farted. Al Gore is suing me in the UN Court for excessive gaseous emissions; and Clinton has sent the EPA swat team to my home to shoot me in the head, Janet Reno to take my children, ATF to rape my cheating ex wife (is it really rape?) and FBI to seize my assets (not that I have much after the IRS screwed me).
"If this is all the gods can do, I'm over to the dark side so fast." -- Tom Servo
24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... Coincidence?
"I fear all I have done is awakened a sleeping giant and filled him with a terrible resolve." --Admiral Yamamoto after the bombing of Pearl Harbor
"When a small man casts a long shadow, it's a sure sign that the sun is beginning to set."
The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even remember her first husband.
"When you watch a movie like this you almost have to have some nudity and gratuitous sex to give you a reason to watch it a again and again. Oh well." -- Review of The Killer Elite on Amazon.
The scariest sound wasn't the cough of a lion just before it charged, or the rustle of a leopard as it leaped, but a 'click' when you expected a 'BANG'. -- Peter Hathaway Capstick
"The only thing China is doing well in, is as a destination for investment capital, and it has been that for centuries." -- Larsen Whipsnade
I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learner's permit.
History is the transformation of the impossible into the inevitable.
"[T]he basic idea of all morality: that individuals are responsible for their actions." -- Salman Rushdie
"Indeed, if we (as a society) took a bit more of a 'tough love' approach to things, really allowed people to suffer from their own bad choices, and made it damn clear that one can't just assume something is safe because `they couldn't sell it if it wasn't!', we might start seeing 'thinking' coming back into vogue."
"A millions years of evolution have produced that wonderful killing machine known as Man. Adrenalin, hormones, tunnel vision, tachypsychia--all these are part of the tools God designed into us. What's wrong with being a weapon? So something is made to kill; so are we." -- Robert A. Uhl
"A child would fare better being left in the woods with a sturdy knife and outdated survival guide than they would with CPS."
"Plagiarize, plagiarize! Let no-one elses work evade your eyes, plagiarize, plagiarize. But always be sure and call it ...research." -- Tom Leherer
Vegetarian: An old Indian word that means "lousy hunter."
"You can't be real a country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but the very least you need a beer." -- Frank Zappa
"The victors USED to write all the history. Now, thanks to the left-over '60s rabble and their philosophical proteges that infest US college campuses because they can't/won't find real work and, besides, it gives them a steady supply of co-eds, the LOSERS write all the history." -- Larsen Whipsnade
"It is possible to be so openminded that one's brains come spilling out." -- Flavio Carillo
God help me to not to break some law I do not know exists, today..." -- CD Tavares. AZ 07/2001
"The Sky was just a purple bruise" -- The Mirror - Elvis Costello
"I equate deadheads to people that like black licorice. There aren't many people that like black licorice, but the ones that do, REALLY REALLY like it!" -- Jerry Garcia
"And hey to all you militant antismokers whom I see screaming at strangers for lighting up: If you were that concerned about your lungs, what in the fuck are you doing living in L.A.?" -- Dennis Miller
"You're one of those people who's Guardian Angel gets Hazard Pay."
"...life is like riding the bus, it requires change." -- Dennis Miller
"The reason [Gen-Xers] whine is that they have just popped out of the cozy, beer-filled amniotic sac of academia." -- Dennis Miller
"Listen, bad television is three things. A bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth. A slow spiral into an intellectual void. And, of course, a complete blast to watch." -- Dennis Miller
"Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: They know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves." -- Irish playwright Brendan Behan
"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day. - 'Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.' - Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood." -- Emerson
"Nine out of ten of what we call new ideas are simply old mistakes." -- G.K. Chesterton, 1926
Remember the three R's - Repetition, Redundancy and Repetition
"The news media DOES NOT exist to inform us. It exists to sell print space and air time to advertisers, nothing more."
To find out what makes paranoiacs tic, follow them around and watch them for a while.
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed, or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage), what Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay at home with the kids.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Flight Risk: Used to describe emplyees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
"Once you take success away from bin Laden, what's left is a spoiled Saudi millionaire with a medieval world view. It turned out that there wasn't much support for that in the Muslim world." -- Newsweek's Fareed Zakaria
"Men always want to be a woman's first love; women have a more subtle instinct: what they like is to be a man's last romance." -- Oscar Wilde
"When people agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong." -- Oscar Wilde
"The truth is rarely pure, and never simple" _- Oscar Wilde
"Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what one is talking about nor whether what is said is true." -- Russell
"That which does not kill me had better be able to run away damn fast" - Anonymous
"Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is published around the world -- even if what is published is not true." -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
The views expressed are those of a ravin' lunatic. What else did you expect?
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." - Jan L.A. Van De Snepscheut
Yes, we will want simultaneous translators...No, not when the PM meets the leaders of the English-speaking nations...Yes, the English-speaking nations can be said to include the United States. -- Bernard Wooley, `Yes, Prime Minister'
"The English love making fun of foreigners, whose mere existence they regard as an enormous jest." -- Iain Pears
"All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
He got kicked out so fast he can still taste boot leather when he burps
"But it's more than that, of course; bad spelling just isn't respectable. You may, perhaps, want to lament this fact. You are free to do so. The fact remains." -- John Mitchell
"If music be the food of love, then play on"
"Yes, but voices in your head don't count as legitimate sources." -- Scott "Netcop" Keith
"The successful person has the habit of doing the things failures don't like to do; they don't necessarily like doing them either. But their disliking is subordinated to the strength of their purpose." -- E.M. Gray
"Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves." - Abraham Lincoln
"As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia."
"I think the only reason people behave is because they think this is their only chance. If they thought they would get another shot, then the world would be re-e-e-ally crazy. Extra crazy." -- Chris Rock on Reincarnation
Triumph - "Umph" added to "Try"
"I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen." - Ernest Hemingway
"First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do." -- Epictetus
At first it really hurt, like someone had thrown a Spear through my head. But it turned out it was just a Javelin.
You have so many wood fragments in you, that I'm not going to remove them. I'll just sand you down. In fact, you don't even need surgery. You need to be varnished.
We're involved in this and that...Where ever the action's at. -- Josie & the Pussycats
"Talent does what it can; genius does what it must." - Edward George Bulwer-Lytton (1803- 1873)
It looked like we were all going to freeze to death, but then we voted one guy 'Most Flammable Crewman'
"I'm tired of the theory of the noble savage. I'd like to hear punks who could put together a coherent sentence." -Lou Reed
"Kindness is contagious. The spirit of harmony trickles down by a thousand secret channels into the inmost recesses of the household life." - Henry Van Dyke
Hamsters are not very good flyers, but as ballistic objects, they are better than a cat.
Scientific terms explained #1: "A long established fact" = "I forgot to look up the reference"
I'm lost. I've gone to try to find myself. If I return before I come back, please ask me to wait here until I get back.
"Nature is an evil whore who will kill you in a heartbeat."
"The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet." -- Aristotle
"You cannot run away from a weakness; you must sometimes fight it out or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?" - Robert Louis Stevenson
"Why should the fluidity of sexual orientation threaten any gay secure in his or her identity?" -- Camille Paglia
Lowriding es cosa de familia.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. `You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, `I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.' -- Jake Johansen
"The important thing to remember when you build your reputation for occult knowledge is that you have to give the impression of knowing something -- and it has to be occult. . . . [T]ell everyone what your alleged secret is, but in such an obscure, long-winded, and baffling way that nobody realizes you're spouting vintage B.S. This is the route that most occultists have taken down the ages. People will rarely accuse you of talking nonsense, especially if you make it sound impressive and toss in a few uncheckable facts and Latin quotations." -- P.J. Owens and Alexander C. Rae, Bluff Your Way in the Occult
`You know, there's a word for people who think that everyone is out to get them...'
`Yes! Perceptive!' --Woody Allen
But there ain't many troubles that a man can't fix With seven hundred dollars and a thirty ought six.
"That's not right. That's not even wrong." -- Wolfgang Pauli
"Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it." - M. Scott Peck
"There are only two things necessary in life -- WD-40 and duct tape...WD-40 for things that don't move that should, and duct tape for things that do move but shouldn't" -- John Ashcroft
"Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain." - Leo Buscaglia
"No plan is foolproof to a properly motivated fool!"
"We are not really esoteric, it's just that nobody pays much attention to us." -- PARATHEO-ANAMETAMYSTIKHOOD OF ERIS ESOTERIC
So kiss me once, and kiss me twice
So you'll remember the kiss was nice
And you'll be glad you took my advice
And saved for that rainy day. -- Nellie and the Drummers
And when you bring me to ecstasy
I'm gonna file it under "E"
So I can always have you close to me
Whenever there's a rainy day. -- Nellie and the Drummers
"Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless." -- Thomas A. Edison
"I'm what love is all about. I've got American Teeth and a Spanish Mouth" -- Fernando (Billy Crystal)
"Courage is the greatest of all the virtues. Because if you haven't courage, you may not have an opportunity to use any of the others." - Samuel Johnson
Facing terror isn't half as fun as sharing it." -- Bun-bun
paranoia, n.: A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." -- Mark Twain
"The challenge of space exploration and particularly of landing men on the moon represents the greatest challenge which has ever faced the human race. Even if there were no clear scientific or other arguments for proceeding with this task, the whole history of our civilization would still impel men toward the goal. In fact, the assembly of the scientific and military with these human arguments creates such an overwhelming case that in can be ignored only by those who are blind to the teachings of history, or who wish to suspend the development of civilization at its moment of greatest opportunity and drama." -- Sir Bernard Lovell, 1962, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. -- Robert Frost
I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human. -- David Bowie
After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best. -- Jean Giraudoux
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the line-up. -- Raymond Chandler
If you stick your head in the sand, one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
"I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud the earth." -- Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls Would scarcely get your feet wet.
"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the author's name on the title page." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
"Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are." -- Oscar Wilde
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
"Everyone is entitled to an informed opinion." -- Harlan Ellison
I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".
Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
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