The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of bad Karma to burn off.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits
When Einstein created numbers back in 1632, he realized he couldn't let them run around without laws. Because numbers without commandments is naked anarchy, and there would be no point in subjecting students to it. So Einstein created exponents.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." - Groucho Marx
I was actually slightly taken aback. I'm not used to receiving offers of sex from people whose names I haven't even learned yet.
At least not at the kinds of parties where people wear their clothes. -- Azalais Malfoy
"A person who only manages to make one mistake per day is ahead of the curve."
I do a lot of things for the Time Being, does the Time Being appreciate this? NOOOOOOO!
Beatrice is a lovely person, but unfortunately a product of late '60s graduate school education and a devotee of NPR who lives in New York City.
"Not that he was doing a good job of being sneaky. Isaac was accustomed to being so much brighter than everyone else that he really had no idea of what others were or weren't capable of. So when he got it into his head to be tricky, he came up with tricks that would not deceive a dog. It was hard not to be insulted but being around Isaac was never for the thin-skinned." -- Quicksilver by Neal Stephenson
If a woman tells you she's 20 and looks 16.. she's 12
If she tells you she's 26, and LOOKS 26.. she's damn near 40 -- Chris Rock, No sex (in the Champagne Room)
"The universe is made of stories, not atoms." -- Muriel Rukeyser
"We adore chaos because we love to produce order." -- M.C. Escher
"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk." -- Thomas Edison
"It's good knowing he's out there. The Dude. Taking it easy for all us sinners." -- The Big Lebowski
"It's the male myth about feminists that we hate sex. It can be a natural, zesty enterprise." -- The Big Lebowski
"...the décor is as authentically Western as Gene Autry and the Phantom Empire, so it as authentic as all the other Tex-Mex restaurants I've ever been to." -- John Nowak
There are few things you can do that will piss people off more than being competent.
"The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read." -- Oscar Wilde
"True friends stab you in the front." -- Oscar Wilde
"The mathematical sciences particularly exhibit order, symmetry, and limitation; and these are the greatest forms of the beautiful." -- Aristotle (384-322 BC) Metaphysica
"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality" -- Albert Einstein
"If it's green, it's biology, If it stinks, it's chemistry, If it has numbers it's math, If it doesn't work, it's technology."
"Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance." -- Oscar Wilde
"A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies." -- Oscar Wilde
"I'm all too familiar with this type of training. The carrot has failed and now it's time for the stick." -- Freefall 31/12/03
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Been through Hell? Whaddya bring back for me? -- Ashleigh Brilliant
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power -- Ashleigh Brilliant
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack at once -- Ashleigh Brilliant
"Remember: we fight this 12th century Death Cult in Iraq or we fight them in New York. We chose." -- Proteus
"Terrorists who merely succeed in blowing themselves up are not terrifying at all, but merely amusing."
"She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword."
"If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised." -- Dorothy Parker
"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't." -- Eleanor Roosevelt
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." -- George Burns
winter warm and summer cool
little lambs no more
The saddest words in the English language are "We have you on videotape."
"Komodo Dragons. Probably my number one fear....They don't belong in this world." -- Actor Billy Bob Thornton, in a Rolling Stone interview.
"St. James the Moorslayer, one of the most valiant saints and knights the world ever had - has been given by God to Spain for its patron and protection." -- Cervantes, Don Quixote
"Like a cobra in the bedsheets or the laughter of a woman you once loved, it could not be ignored." -- Chandler
"The United States has been officially metric since the 1960s, but the citizens are resisting bravely."
"God has chosen the world that is the most perfect, that is to say, the one that is at the same time the simplest in hypotheses and the richest in phenomena." -- Leibniz
"Some of the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously." -- William DeFoe
"I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better take one along that worked." -- Robert Mitchum, in "Farewell, My Lovely"
"As a taxpayer, you are required to be fully in compliance with the United States Tax Code, which is currently the size and weight of the Budweiser Clydesdales." -- Dave Barry
"What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin." -- Mark Twain
"This is Paris, John. Some would call it a major city filled with historical and artistic interest. If you want to impress me, find something cool in Peekskill, New York." -- John Nowak conversing with an Egyptian Goddess
Talking back to 80s music, 5
Yeah? Well I know Diane. Personally. And let's just say chili dogs ain't all she likes suckin' on outside the Tastee Freeze, okay?
"It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into" -- Jonathan Swift
"Bulldog journalism: Once you get hold of a story, you never loosen your grip until your victim dies -- at least politically." -- Orson Scott Card
"It truly blows my mind that, out of some 20 million sperm, you were the quickest."
"Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know." -- Andre Maurois
Great Teacher Largo: "WHAT ARE THE M4D SKILLZ THAT MAKE YOU WHO YOU ARE??? WHAT ARE YOU GOOD AT???"
Student: "I'm good at taking advantage of older men and getting money from them!!!"
Great Teacher Largo: "A...powerful skill. I will consider how this can be used to our tactical advantage." -- Mega Toyko
Even though they both start with 'h' and end in 'y', "hypocrisy" does not equal "honesty"
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." -- Thomas Edison
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." -- Mae West
"French ventilation is to American ventilation what Wonder Bread is to French bread. This is my non-negotiable position. Nary a molecule of oxygen was allowed to enter the room through the meeting. I think half the fun of sitting outside a café and writing is the fact you're not inside a French building." -- John Nowak, an American trapped in Paris
A man said to the Universe,
"Will work for food."
The Universe replied, "Duh."
I've gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, please keep me here.
Martyrdom is the only way a person can become famous without ability. -- George Bernard Shaw
">If you die and meet God what would you ask and why?"
"So, what were you smoking when you made the Platypus?"
- Rob Carter, BRPGA Mailing List
"With pathological optimism, every man translates whatever his wife says as, "If you go along with things, maybe later I'll let you touch me." This is generally ill-founded." -- Larry Miller
Wombat: Waste Of Money Brains And Talent
"It's a sculpture of a woman with a shirt on. I don't think I've seen one of those in Paris before." -- John Nowak
"At some point in the journey...when the seat is vibrating just so -- the enlightened rider will reach self-actualization. Particularly if she’s a woman and happens to be wearing cutoffs. Or some of those kinky specialty beads..." -- Jeff Goldstein
"Not only is the universe stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than we can imagine." - Sir Arthur Eddington.
"Somebody has to do something, and it's just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us." - Jerry Garcia
"We used to think that if we knew one, we knew two, because one and one are two. We are finding that we must learn a great deal more about 'and'." -- Sir Arthur Eddington,
"Proof is the idol before whom the pure mathematician tortures himself." -- Sir Arthur Eddington
"The spread of evil is the symptom of a vacuum. whenever evil wins, it is only by default: by the moral failure of those who evade the fact that there can be no compromise on basic principles." -- Ayn Rand
"The key is to commit crimes so confusing that police feel too stupid to even write a crime report about them." -- R. K. Milholland, Something Positive Comic
"Genius is one per cent inspiration, ninety-nine per cent perspiration." -- Thomas A. Edison
"Never contribute to malice which satisfactory can be explained away by stupidity."
"Gandhi, Species, Thunderbirds, and Bloodrayne. This trend of [Ben Kingsley's] career makes me weep." -- John Nowak
"Of course the Universe hates you. You're working to reduce chaos by expending a lot of energy to do your job. Thus, you're contributing to the eventual heat death of the universe, and it's just protecting itself from you." -- John Batzel
"Laughter is wine for the soul - laughter soft, or loud and deep, tinged through with seriousness ... the hilarious declaration made by man that life is worth living." -- Sean O'Casey
"Slay the unbelievers wherever you find them" -- Qur'an, Sura 9:5
To be civilized is to restrain the ability to commit mayhem.
To be incapable of committing mayhem is not the mark of the civilized, merely the domesticated.
"I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them." -- Jane Austen
Commandment 14: Thou Shalt not question the frequency Kenneth.
"I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough." -- M. C. Escher
"A cult is a religion with no political power." -- Tom Wolfe
"A promiscuous person is someone who is getting more sex than you are." -- Victor Lownes
"Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month." -- Wernher von Braun
"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it." -- William Somerset Maugham.
"Get your facts first; then you can distort them as you please." -- Mark Twain
"Getting out of bed in the morning is an act of false confidence." -- Jules Feiffer
"Women with pasts interest men... they hope history will repeat itself." -- Mae West
"If you speak the truth, have a foot in the stirrup." -- Turkish proverb
"Innovation is hard to schedule." -- Dan Fylstra
"It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution." -- Oscar Wilde
"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." -- Aristotle
"It isn't premarital sex if you don't get married." -- Michael Juster
"Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination." -- Christopher Isherwood
"Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim." -- Bertrand Russell
"Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep." -- Fran Lebowitz
"Look, man, all I am is a trumpet player." -- Miles Davis
"Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense." -- Mark A. Overby
"Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
"My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
"Nothing is so aggravating as calmness." -- Oscar Wilde
"Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
"Pleasure is nature's test, her sign of approval." -- Oscar Wilde
"Some people move in lesbian circles. I move in bisexual dodecahedrons." -- R.K.
"Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves." -- Rudyard Kipling
"The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it." -- James Agate
"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn." -- David Russell
"The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues." -- Elizabeth Taylor
"The proverb warns that 'You should not bite the hand that feeds you.' But maybe you should if it prevents you from feeding yourself." -- Thomas Szasz
"There ain't no rules around here, we're trying to accomplish something." -- Thomas Alva Edison
"There is no abstract art. You must always start with something. Afterward you can remove all traces of reality." -- Pablo Picasso
"There is this special biologist word we use for 'stable.' It is 'dead.'" -- Jack Cohen
"There was never a genius without a tincture of madness." -- Aristotle
"There's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over." -- Frank Vincent Zappa
"To err is human. To forgive is not our policy." - MIT Assassins' Guild
"To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful." -- Bess Myerson
"We made mad love, shadow love, random love, and abandoned love, Accidentally like a martyr..." -- Warren Zevon
"Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind." -- Rudyard Kipling
Brought to you by the people who made "out of context" a household word.
I like the idea of an ancient race -- it makes a world feel so...lived in.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
"Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hands, Marge." -- Homer Simpson
"Sex is a beautiful thing shared between 2 people. Between 5 its fantastic." -- Woody Allen
There is a theory that the telegraph destroyed the British Empire; the conservatism of the colonial office would always override the daring of the man in the field.
"I'd gladly turn the other cheek, but my tongue is always firmly planted in it." -- Flannery O'Connor
"Sometimes you have to smile to keep from throwing up." -- Billie Holiday
"The first rule is: don't let them scare you." -- Elmer Davis
"The irrationality of a thing is no argument against its existence." -- Nietzsche
"Everyone has dignity. I'm willing to forget mine, but at my own discretion and not when someone else tells me to." -- Denis Diderot
"I always pass on good advice. That's the only thing to do with it. It's never of any use to oneself." -- Oscar Wilde
"Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinion of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth." -- Katherine Mansfield
"Where does one go from a world of insanity? Somewhere on the other side of despair." -- T. S. Eliot
"Put your ear down close to your soul and listen hard." -- Anne Sexton
"You have to sweat and roll up your sleeves and plunge both hands into life up to your elbows." -- Jean Anouilh
American by birth, Southern by the grace of God.
"You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you." - Eric Hoffer
"In hell, there will be nothing but law, and due process will be meticulously observed." - Prof. Grant Gilmore
I still hold by my opinion that Linda Cardellini is way hotter than Sarah Michelle Gellar.
" I must still believe that some circumstances are beyond your control and if you don't plan to deal with them, you should at least learn how to bleat." -- Mark Urbin
"To become a good man, one must have faithful friends, or outright enemies." -- Napoleon
"My favorite version is on bagpipe, but you shouldn't be led by other people's perversions." -- Dani Zweig
"...Yes, the lectures are optional. Graduation is also optional." -- Professor Brian Quinn
You know my motto: Forgive and uh... the other thing.
Sleep deprivation is fun -- you see such pretty colors.
Sleep is for wimps. Happy, healthy, well-rested wimps, but wimps nonetheless.
"I've undone Pandora's brassiere one too many times." -- Davan
I submit to you that if a man hasn't discovered something he will die for, he isn't fit to live." -- Martin Luther King
"He's as sharp as a new penny."
I mean, it's cruel to eat a head of lettuce that was just sitting on the ground. At least the cow had a chance to run.
"Until then, unclench those buttcheeks and pull out that piece of coal. My wife's already got a diamond ring." -- Fry
"Reality and I had a fundamental differing of opinions. We're currently undergoing a trial separation."
"What dreadful hot weather we have! It keeps me in a continual state of inelegance." -- Jane Austen
"It's nice to be loved, but there's a lot to be said for CRINGING RESPECT!"
"Those who live by the sword, die by the sword. So do those who don't, but they do it more quickly."
Opinions expressed are mine alone, but as soon as I figure out how to force everyone to accept them, I will.
Disclaimer: Not only do I speak for myself; I am myself.
"Alternatively, if you prefer to be smugly superior in your trendy relativism, throw on some black clothes, buy some clove cigarettes, and head down to the local coffeehouse, and stop pestering those of us who are living in the 21st Century."
"If there is no free will, then even though the murderer or rapist has no choice but to commit their crimes, we equally have no choice but to shoot the bastards for it."
"A vegetarian approached me one day while I was eating, asking me (no doubt with the intention to sow guilt and preach a bit) "How can you eat carrion?". Unfortunately for him, I responded by happily explaining that it is quite natural for humans to eat carrion; after all, our evolutionary past suggests that we were opportunistic omnivores, eating meat whenever we could get it. Our teeth seem to be well adapted to chewing meat made tender by a slight rot, something we later replaced with cooking." -- Anders Sandberg
I can't find words to express how I feel about you. Stand by for gestures.
"I think it's about time to scale up from 'polite asking' to 'napalm enema'."
"Small earthquakes don't faze me at all, but I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of California." -- Leah L. Cole
Zero Defects, n.: The result of shutting down a production line.
"I don't need to drink to have a good time. I need to drink to stop the voices in my head."
I'm not against reinventing the wheel, but it's best if you have some experience before you do that, otherwise you'll end up with a triangular shaped rock.
People say Pandora's Box was evil, but they're wrong. The stuff inside it was evil. The box ain't nothin' but a box.
To an outsider, Sumo wrestling looks like obscure homoerotic performance art.
"Men are like fine wine. They start as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with."
"I have developed a taste for Diet Pepsi over the years. It is not unlike developing an immunity to iocaine powder." -- Loren Wiseman
The CEO: You've got to get management to champion your cause. This will involve considerable brown-nosing. Buy some knee-pads just in case. -- Silicon Valley Tarot
"Minks are mean little critters. Vicious, horrible little animals who eat their own. They're not beavers. I wouldn't wear beavers. I'd rather have a mink coat made of mean little critters that are killed in a very nice way and treated nicely for their short, mean lives so that I could keep warm." -- Valerie Perrine
"I believe in the soul, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, [and] that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap." -- Kevin Costner, Bull Durham
"Some artists love their characters, and can't bear to hurt them. Then, there's artists like Randy Milholland, who can only orgasm when he's made a fictional character cry." -- Websnark
"But let's face it: our 'budget' was only $25, a sum I routinely spend on a single square of custom-made Guatamalan toilet paper, hand-quilted from alpaca wool for the most gentle bumwip this side of baby oil and a warm tongue." -- Martha Stewart's prison diary, day 88.
"In some way, self-replicating organisms came into existence on this planet and immediately began trying to get rid of each other, either by spamming their environments with rough copies of themselves, or by more direct means which hardly need to be belabored. Most of them failed, and their genetic legacy was erased from the universe forever, but a few found some way to survive and to propagate. Like every other creature on the face of the earth, you are, by birthright, a stupendous badass, albeit in the somewhat narrow technical sense that you can trace your ancestry back up a long line of slightly less highly evolved stupendous badasses to that first self-replicating gizmo--which, given the number and variety of its descendants, might justifiably be described as the most stupendous badass of all time. Everyone and everything that wasn't a stupendous badass was dead" -- Neal Stephenson
From the back of the box my Gerber multitool came in: WARNING: OPEN CAREFULLY AND TACKLE THE PROJECT THE WAY YOUR OLD-MAN WOULD HAVE. BUILD A DECK, CHANGE THE LAWNMOWER OIL, CONSTRUCT A LEAN-TO, CATCH DINNER FROM A CREEK, REPAIR THE FENCE, UNCLOG THE DRAIN AND DISCOVER THAT YOU ARE THE HANDYMAN YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR. AND REMEMBER, IT'S NOT WORTH DOING UNLESS IT GETS DIRT, GREASE OR SPLINTERS UNDER YOUR NAILS.
"The study of "Journalism" has become a place for high school students who cannot act well enough to go further in Drama, think well enough to progress in Science and are not allowed near anything sharp, and thus cannot take any Shop Class." -- VariFrank
"IT TAKES A VIKING TO RAZE A VILLAGE."
"The comic strip works best as deeply personal art and writing produced by near-insane, passionate creators." -- Berkeley Breathed, creator of "Bloom County"
"I will go to my grave in a state of abject endless fascination that we all have the capacity to become emotionally involved with a personality that doesn't exist." -- Berkeley Breathed, creator of "Bloom County"
"she was calendar material, the type that made you wish there were 15 months in a year" -- Billy Chaka, Dreaming Pachinko
"I never knew an early-rising, hard-working, prudent man, careful of his earnings, and strictly honest, who complained of bad luck. A good character, good habits, and iron industry are impregnable to the assaults of all ill luck that fools ever dreamed of." -- Joseph Addison
"[Larry Sumners] thought he was speaking in a place that encourages uncircumscribed intellectual explorations. He was not. He was on a university campus." -- George Will
"If he ever built a gun, it would be a digital cybergun. It would be smart, interactive, precise, speedy. It would put every single bullet exactly where it was meant to go. It would fill up graveyards faster than the Black Death." -- The Zenith Angle by Bruce Sterling
"Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That's what's insane about it." -- John Lennon
A church is not a museum for saints; it is a hospital for sinners.
Not many people know this, but, done correctly, scrapbooking is a contact sport.
"Whether a party can have much success without a woman present I must ask others to decide, but one thing is certain, no party is any fun unless seasoned with folly." -- Desiderius Erasmus
"A man should look as if he had bought his clothes with intelligence, put them on with care, and then forgotten all about them." -- Hardy Amies
"When I think about the man who wrote plays about how capitalism thwarts human aspirations, and then got married to Marilyn Monroe, I'm afraid about all I can do is giggle." -- Colby Cosh
Joe Gillis: You're Norma Desmond. You used to be in silent pictures. You used to be big.
Norma Desmond: I am big. It's the pictures that got small.
"One of the problems with being forty is that you now know people-- very cute, very desirable people-- who are available and legal and who want to fuck you-- who you knew when they were nine years old. And there's something very icky about that."
Siamese Fighting Fish: "They're beautiful, they're elegant, they're vicious as hell...there's a real life lesson here somewhere."
"If you're salt-deficient, you'll go lick the sweat off your significant other...there are other physiological drives that will cause the same behavior."
"There was some brilliant work done with rats, which makes it scientific."
"A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to make a living."
Chris Rock on the fact that "Fahrenheit 9/11" wasn't nominated: "Right now MichaelMoore is saying, 'I should have just made "Super Size Me." I've done the research.' "
"If a company is in a constant state of reorganization, isn't it effectively disorganized?"
On to Part 8
Quotes collected from the net by Eclipse Main Sig Quote Page