The New Devil's Dictionary

A somewhat cynical view of a number of words in the common language which are routinely used or or more often misused. Updated on occasional whim by Leslie Bates, someone who certainly not a righteous dude.

Activist: A malignant narcissist who is seeking the services of a goon squad. Usually a truly righteous dude or babe. See also Liberal, Modern.

Actor/Actress: Someone who often confuses fact and fiction and is rarely able to see beyond his or her mirror.

Agnostic: Someone who may be a theist.

Alec Baldwin: Progressive, caring, and compassionate actor who hasn't quite grasped the distinction between civilization and barbarism. A truly righteous dude. See Righteous and the second definition of Stupid.

Allah: A patriarchal pagan lunar deity from Arabia who was deprived of his three daughters by an illiterate rapist, thief, and murderer. See Islam.

Arms Control: The notion that wars can be prevented by disarming or otherwise removing the physical impediments to invasion by foreign aggressors.

Atheism: Not a holy cause.

Atheist: An individual who does not possess any form of theistic belief. Example: "Leslie Bates is a Goddamned atheist! Kill him!"
I'm an Atheist!

Authority: Someone who knows what they are talking about and what they are doing. It is not a word that can be reasonably used to describe the present occupants of the executive and legislative branches of the Federal Government. [The 44th President of the United States and the democrat controlled congress.]

Ayn Rand: A little old lady from Leningrad who had some interesting things to say about Life, the Universe, and Everything. Most of which were right.

Cannibal: 1. Someone who eats human flesh. 2. One of Ayn Rand's pet names for caring, compassionate, and progressive people.

Censorship: Forcible prevention of the transmission of information. In the context of an adversarial situation, such as the invasion of a Free Nation by a Socialist State, the act of censorship is morally mandatory. Such an invader has no more right to information about the defending forces than a biker gang has to the location of your wife or daughters. In the context of a civil society, valid information concerning those holding or seeking public office and their goals and beliefs, is necessary in order for members of the electorate to make a valid decision when they exercise their authority. To vote correctly, the voter needs to know the truth about office seekers and their beliefs and personal conduct. Those who must suppress the transmission of valid information, such as corrupt office holders who are acting through their lieutenants, or through the local campus communist goon squad, are harmful to the individual citizens and the political community as a whole. Those who attempt to practice censorship in a civil society are enemies of that society and must be identified and dealt with as such.

Coffee: Something I usually only drink when I go out for breakfast or right before I go to work, though I keep hearing rumors about this place called Starbucks.


Communists: A pack of traitors, thieves, and murderers. Enemies of Mankind in General. Vermin fit solely for extermination. Need I say more?

Compassionate: 1. An elected or appointed public official who's mission in life is to subjugate and plunder the productive and rational inhabitants of a given area for the material and spiritual benefit of the unproductive and irrational inhabitants of the same area, a larger region, or the World as a whole. 2. A productive individual who accepts the status of servant to the unproductive inhabitants of a given area, a larger region, or the World as a whole. Example: "Leslie Bates is not a compassionate person."

Copy editing: Something I need to do more work on.

Deist: Someone who believes in a rational, emotionally secure, and generally well behaved God.

Democracy: 1. The process through which the Verifiable Facts of Reality, the Rights of Man, and the Laws of God and/or Nature are overturned by the votes of the majority of persons who are purported to be in the possession of a warm body in a given area. 2. The idea that the people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard. (after H.L. Mencken.)

Dictator: Malignant narcissist with a goon squad. Usually a truly righteous dude. See also Liberal, Modern.

Environmentalist: Someone who refuses to accept the fact that the terrestrial biosphere is a dynamic environment within a dynamic universe and as such is subject to change regardless of any actions taken by Human Beings.

Fascist : Totalitarian political party founded by former Marxist Benito Mussolini, someone who subsequently killed, imprisoned, or otherwise harshly dealt with his former progressive comrades. This would cause the term "fascist" to be commonly used as a label for any person, group, or a political community who objects in any fashion or to any degree to the subjugation and plunder of themselves or of Mankind In General by progressive, or caring and compassionate people who claim to be acting on behalf of The Earth, The Animals, The Rain Forest, The Children, or The World Proletariat. Example: "Leslie Bates is a Fascist Pig! Kill him!"

France: A nation that delusionally believes itself to be at the center of the political universe. A truly righteous nation. Or something like that.

God: 1. Someone who cannot be investigated, questioned, subpoenaed, arrested, indicted, prosecuted, convicted, fined, imprisoned, flogged, executed, or otherwise held accountable for actions performed by himself, or performed by mortal men in his name. 2. Someone literally defined out of existence by Ayn Rand.

Government: A social institution that many Caring, Compassionate, and Progressive people believe is a manifestation of divine power on Earth.

Gun Control: The theory that the solution to the problem of firearms usage by violent criminals is to attack, imprison, and kill innocent people who own firearms.

Gun Owner: Someone often identified as a "Fascist" by caring, compassionate, and progressive people. Example: "Leslie Bates is a gun owner! Kill him!"

Heir, Intellectual: Leonard Peikoff, the rather pathetic fellow who was left in charge when Ayn Rand died.

Ideology: The body of falsehoods that a group of traitors, thieves, and murderers tell themselves to in order to allow themselves to feel good about being a group of traitors, thieves, and murderers. Examples: The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels, and Earth in the Balance by Albert Gore, Jr.

Inerrant: A word used by modern day monotheist witch doctors in three piece suits to describe a volume of text which consists of an alleged translation of a collection of alleged transcripts of the alleged rantings and ravings of a bunch of goatskin glad desert dwelling witch doctors whose primary goal at the time was to scare a bunch of nomadic goat herds into giving them a lifetime supply of free meals. Any resemblance that this so-called holy text has with the actual Word of God (assuming of course that there is a God and that He/She/It has something to say to any of us) is purely a coincidence.

Infidel: An individual, a group, or a nation that refuses to degrade themselves through the practice of a false religion that was invented by an illiterate individual who was a pedophile rapist, a robber, and a mass murderer. Example: "Leslie Bates is an infidel pig! Kill him!"

Islam: A false religion that was invented by illiterate individual who was a pedophile rapist, a robber, a mass murderer, and who made Charlie Manson look like a nice guy in comparison. The so-called prophet Mohammed was for all practical purposes was an Enemy of Mankind in General..

Jihad: The systematic subjugation, plunder, and murder of those persons and political communities that are smart enough to know that the doctrines of Islam are a very large load of theological cattle excrement by those persons and political communities who are not.

Journalists: 1. A group of people who have failed to grasp the fact that Karl Marx was full of it. 2. A group of truly righteous people. 3. A bunch of mindless jerks who will be the first against the wall when the counter-revolution comes.

Liberal, Classical: Someone who believes that the rest of Mankind has something better to do. Believes that the helpless and innocent should be protected and deeply cares about the condition of Western Civilization.

Liberal, Modern: Someone who believes the the rest of Mankind has nothing better to do. Believes that the helpless and innocent should be attacked and deeply hates Western Civilization.

Liberty: To be able to use your own property, raise your own children, and to live your own life in accordance to your own best rational judgment.

Michael Moore: Film director and another truly righteous dude. See Righteous and the second definition of Stupid..

Monotheist, Western Tradition: Someone who believes that the incompetent, emotionally insecure, and not terribly well behaved tribal god of a bunch of nomadic desert dwelling goat herders is the Creator of the Universe and the absolute Lord of all of Mankind in General.

Mormon: Someone who hasn't quite caught on to the fact that Joseph Smith, a former resident of New York and Illinois whose immortal soul (assuming of course that human beings possess an immortal soul) is presently burning in Hell (assuming of course that there is a Hell and that it hasn't frozen over), was full of it.

Muslim: Someone who hasn't quite caught on to the fact that the so-called prophet Mohammed was really and truly full of it.

Necrocracy, (n): The rule of the dead. For example the city of Chicago under the Democratic Party. It's no wonder that there's no public outcry about the high murder rate in that city. Each victim suddenly becomes a registered Democrat.

Nobody: A person who is perfect, infallible, omnipotent, omniscient, or is in any other respect like God.

Nothing: That which is perfect and beyond the bounds of rational examination.

Objectivism: A philosophical system initiated by Ayn Rand that treats reality as being real.

Pacifist: A person or group that willfully refuses to see a fundamental moral distinction between those persons, groups, or political entities that behave as predatory animals, and those persons, groups, and political communities who are compelled to raise a hand in their own defense. Any act of self defense or preparation for same is loudly condemned, and punishment for such acts are called for, by the pacifist. Example: "Outside the convention hall where the annual meeting of the National Rifle Association was held in Minneapolis the Women Against Military Madness, a pacifist group, carried signs that read, "BAN THE NRA."

Peace: 1. The absence of enemies. 2. An artificial state of affairs deemed to exist due to the deduction that there have been intervals between wars. (After Jerry Pournelle.) 3. A condition of existence that is only properly achieved over the dead bodies of aggressors.

Podophage: One who eats their own foot.

Pravdaism: When a media outlet deliberately lies on the behalf of a political faction instead of reporting the facts.

Progressive: Someone who won't admit to being a communist, usually for fear of being properly treated as one.

Prohibition: A period in American history when the United States federal government attempted to impart the virtue of sobriety to the population as a whole at the point of a gun. This effort was doomed to failure. A law prohibiting a specific act has never in fact prevented the proscribed act. The basic function of an act of legislation is to enable and command those who are charged with the task of enforcing the laws to arrest and prosecute the offenders.

Right: A concept that defines and provides moral sanction to freedom of action in a social context for all persons. A true right cannot constitute a claim upon the Life, Liberty, or Property of another person. Because of this there cannot be such a thing as a conflict of true rights, as often claimed by those who seek to violate rights. There is no such thing as a right to violate rights. The frustration of the desire to deprive another person of their Life, Liberty, or Property, is not a violation of a right.

Righteous: The pretense of being right when in fact one is absolutely and totally wrong. To strike a pose of being right as opposed to simply being right. Example: "Whenever Leslie Bates describes someone, such as Alec Baldwin or Michael Moore, as a righteous dude, he is not using the word as a compliment."

Rosa Luxembourg: A communist who was properly dealt with by the local citizen militia. This may explain why caring, compassionate, and progressive people will usually throw a fit whenever a group of citizens get together for a little target practice.

Scientology: Objective verification of the theory usually attributed to L. Ron Hubbard, that a very effective means of obtaining wealth is to start your own religion.

Security: See Liberty.

Spell checker: Something I need to use more often.

Stupid: 1. Pet name used by progressive, caring, and compassionate actors and actresses who at best qualify as college drop-outs to describe a former Texas Air National Guard fighter pilot (General Dynamics F-102, Nuclear Armed!) with a Masters degree in Business Administration from Harvard. 2. Pet name used by rational people to describe those persons who routinely use the first definition of this word or who otherwise believe their own propaganda.

Truther: Someone who will believe anything but the truth. One born every minute.

Whim worshipper: Ayn Rand's term for those who seek to do what they want without regard to adverse consequences to themselves and to other persons.

Universe: Literally everything.

Living in the Surreal World