Signature Quotes: What's left over. Part V

These are my collection of sig quotes, collected from years of crawling about the Internet. Share and Enjoy...

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"Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough, if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all, and you may feel free to kick his ass." -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
"If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine." -- Rob Stampfli
Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection unprotected.-- Robert Orben
"The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." -- Jean-Paul Kauffma
"The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved." -- C.N. Parkinson
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." -- Will Roger
"I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough. Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had." -- Brenda Starr
Sam: What do you say, Norm?
Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
"To protect people from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools." -- philosopher Herbert Spencer, 1891
Time flys like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
This posting are my opinions alone and do not reflect the opinion of other saggy old cloth cats be they a bit loose at the seams or not.
"This works out to 30 million unhappily unmarried men by 2020. They'll either be involved in unpleasentness at home or unpleasentness abroad. I'll give you one guess which option the New Mandarins will choose." -- Larsen Whipsnade
"Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing; it's when you have everything to do, and you've done it." -- Margaret Thatcher
"I've never fucked anyone that was so good it was worth dying for." -- Barbara Miller (on the necessity of using condoms)
"I like to look good, that makes me a tease. I like to eat, that makes me a pig. I like to get off, that makes me a slut. I like to be treated with respect, that makes me a man-hating dyke. Trust me, I have no problem being labeled a bitch."
"How can you say you're misunderstood? You're an idiot-there's not a whole lot that needs understanding there."
"Captain, We're being attacked by Canada!"
"What's the worst they can do? Force us to post signs in two languages?" -- David Shayne
I think its more than a coincidence that most employee sabotage is carried out by employees.
Let me show you how the guards used to do it...
"Alas, to wear the mantle of Galileo it is not enough that you be persecuted by an unkind establishment; you must also be right." -- Robert Park, of the American Physical Society
"To my mind it is wholly irresponsible to go into the world incapable of preventing violence, injury, crime, and death. How feeble is the mindset to accept defenselessness. How unnatural. How cheap. How cowardly. How pathetic." --Ted Nugent
"That wickedness weltering around inside of you, inside of everyone, is sacred somewhere. There's a deity out there who digs it. You can respect and love your darkest side, disposing only of what is obsolete or impractical. It's all about giving yourself permission." --Jack Darkhand
"It is better to be cruel for love than for hate." -- Thomas Burnett Swann
I used to live in the Real World, but I was evicted.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene.
"You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles." -- Miracle Max
"A behaviorist is someone who pulls habits out of rats." -- anonymous
"There has grown in the minds of certain groups in this country the idea that just because a man or corporation has made a profit out of the public for a number of years, the government and the courts are charged with guaranteeing such profit in the future, even in the face of changing circumstances and contrary to public interest. This strange doctrine is supported by neither statue or common law. Neither corporations or individuals have the right to come into court and ask that the clock of history be stopped, or turned back." -- Robert Heinlein, Life Line, 1939
"A man without passion is only a latent force, only a possibility, like a stone waiting for the blow from the iron to give forth sparks." - Henri Amiel
"Nobody makes a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little." - Edmund Burke
"Power does not corrupt. Fear corrupts, perhaps the fear of a loss of power." - John Steinbeck
Consultant, n.:
[From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase and heavy wallet.
"Oatmeal is, of course, divine food of the gods or horsefood dressed up for human consumption, depending on your disposition. It's one of those Marmite things." -- Sherilyn
If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call.
"Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment." -- Robert Benchley
"How about- "and that has certain hallmark characteristics like taking all of your money, forbidding contact outside the group, focusing on weak-willed or vulnerable people, and using a combination of social pressure and threats to control members"?"
That's not a cult that is my wife.
"Any Living cell carries with it the experience of a billion years of experimentation by its ancestors." -- Max Delbruck, Physicist/biologist
"I was not trying to be shocking, or to be a pioneer. I wasnít trying to change society, or to be ahead of my time. I didnít think of myself as liberated, and I donít believe that I did anything important. I was just myself. I didnít know any other way to be, or any other way to live." -- Bettie Page
"Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies." -- David Nichols
The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
"This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly." -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
"The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task." -- Nietzsche
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
"An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff." -- Adlai Stevenson
"In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you." -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
"Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a lot a poker." -- Karyl Roosevelt
"The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted." -- George Bernard Shaw
"The most dangerous food is wedding cake." -- American proverb
"In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current." -- Thomas Jefferson
"To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it." -- G.K. Chesterton
"There is nothing more deceptive than an obvious fact." - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
sook: noun Australian, NZ 1. Also, sookie. a poddy calf. 2. (usually of children) a timid, shy, cowardly person; a cry-baby. [origin uncertain] --sooky, adjective
It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results hang on about half a decade.
"Don't fear the night. Fear what hunts in the night."
(Jules, after shooting Brett's friend on the couch) "Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? Please continue. No? Were you finished? Then allow me to retort." -- "Pulp Fiction"
"We should have shotguns for this." -- "Pulp Fiction"
"AK-47. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfucker in the room. Accept no substitutes." -- "Jackie Brown"
"I'm prepared to scour the Earth for that motherfucker. If Butch goes to Indochina, I want a n----- waiting in a bowl of rice ready to pop a cap in his ass." -- "Pulp Fiction"
"Ha-ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia,' but only slightly less famous is this: Never go in against a Sicilian, when death is on the line!" -- "The Princess Bride"
Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
"The Messiah will come. There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated." - Rabbi Meir Kahane
My mind used to be in the gutter, then I got tired of having such high standards.
"On a long enough time line, everyone's survival rate reaches zero." -- Fight Club
I was listening to Tori Amos' "In the Springtime of his Voodoo" and when I heard the line "Standing on corner in Winslow, Arizona and I'm quite sure I'm in the wrong song."
The image of angst filled young women across the country listening to that song and having absolutely no idea what she was talking about almost caused me to splort my hot tea all over my keyboard.
A good friend will bail you out of jail but, your best friend will be the one sitting next to you saying "that was fucking awesome!"
I'm not better, I'm just better medicated.
"Beware the fury of the patient man." - John Dryden
"If I cut my finger, we're talking a paper cut, this is tragedy. I'll go to Mount Sinai, I'll have a team of big surgeons look at it, I'll worry all night, I'll take Tylenol. Comedy is if YOU walk into an open sewer and die. What do I care?" -- Mel Brooks
"On the other hand, in Texas, when entering the state, you must either show proof of firearms ownership or register as a Democrat." -- Loren K. Wiseman
"Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose. -- A point which the soul may fix it's intellectual eye." -- Mary Wollstonecraft Shelly
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
"Now there sits a man with an open mind. You can feel the draft from here." -- Groucho Marx
"There is no such thing as a were-virgin." -- Skippy
"It's not the things we don't know that get us into trouble. It's the things we know that just ain't true." -- Will Rogers
"It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear..."

"It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. Ther's nothing to hold on to." -- Marilyn Ferguson, American Futurist

"OK, don't get me wrong: it's not that I don't think that the world isn't an incredible, mysterious, magical place, it's just that I think it's incredible, magic, and mysterious in ways the nobody suspects; except maybe you. Hermetic knowledge propels you up the ladder. The Masons and the Trilateral Commission are weenies compared to you." -- Silicon Vally Tarot
"She blinded me with Science and failed me in Biology." -- Thomas Dolby
When I'm feeling blue, I start breathing again and I'm fine.
"I fear the words 'I have a cunning plan' are marching towards this conversation with undue confidence." - The Black Adder
"Postmodernists in particular distrust any theory that can be fully explained by resorting to words that already exist in the English language." -- Mr. Pravda
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly." -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
"Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes to get them." -- Dirty Harry
character density, n.: The number of very weird people in the office.
There is brutality and there is honesty. There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
The difference between this place and yogurt is that yogurt has a live culture.
"Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a steroid-free fitness center." -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
"What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?" -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
"Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee." -- Carolyn Jones
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." -- Winston Churchill
"The characteristic property of hallucinogens, to suspend the boundaries between the experiencing self and the outer world in an ecstatic, emotional experience, makes it posible with their help, and after suitable internal and external evoke a mystical experience according to plan, so to speak... I see the true importance of LSD in the possibility of providing materail aid to meditation aimed at the mystical experience of a deeper, comprehensive reality. Such a use accords entirely with the essence and working character of LSD as a sacred drug." -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
"Bureaucracy is the enemy of innovation." -- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments
A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled, but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence.
"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to." -- Gypsy Rose Lee
"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks." -- Emo Philips
"The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex, overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one." -- Mark Twain
The potential to exploit synergies between the development teams, coming up with a more globally optimal use of our combined skill base.
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." -- Emo Philips
Talent does what it can.
Genius does what it must.
You do what you get paid to do.
"She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook." -- Tommy Manville
"I keep thinking that Tony Blair is Tim Curry's younger brother. But then again, I keep thinking that John Ashcroft is the real Cigarette-Smoking Man" -- John Kwon
"I'm the Pope. No, The Pope. The real one. You know, the guy who excommunicated all the other guys."
"I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. It's the truth." -- Charlie Chaplin
"Look at it this way: Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to forget $26,000 of college education. And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?"
Mae West; Upon entering a hotel the women behind the counter gushes, `My goodness, what beautiful diamonds!'
Mae West wanders up the stairs, turns back and answers, `Goodness had nothing to do with it.'
From a trashy romance novel, "A true noble woman should have snow on her face in company and be fire between the sheets!"
"One way to lead is to build credibility. You do not build credibility by beating up your team for not coming in on the weekends, when you don't even have the keys to open the building. You do not build credibility by telling your team they don't work enough hours, then handing them four to eight hours worth of work at 1830, then leaving. You do not build credibility by telling your team that their hard work will be rewarded, then handing out lukewarm reviews while telling your employees that they should have gotten better for all the work they did." -- Rant about a former manager
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -- Mike Adams
The media industry is a long, dark, narrow hallway where thieves and pimps run free and good people die like dogs.
There is also a negative side.
"Good evening ladies and Dobermen." -- Elvira, Mistress of the Dark
A beautiful woman is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and purgatory for the purse.
"The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia is thinking that they're conspiring." -- J. Kegler
Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
MiliHelen: the amount of beauty required to launch a single ship
"When you sell a man a book, you don't sell him 12 ounces of paper and ink and glue -- you sell him a whole new life." -- Christopher Morley
You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your brakes are defective.
"Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature." -- Tom Robbins
"Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh." -- Mister Boffo
"Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are." -- Oscar Wilde
"A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After that it's cheating." -- Yves Montand
"Say, Pooh, why aren't YOU busy?" I said.
"Because it's a nice day," said Pooh.
"Yes, but---"
"Why ruin it?" he said.
"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive!"
"The existential atmosphere of [the pre-WW1 West] (which was then being destroyed by Europe's philosophical trends and political systems) still held a benevolence that would be incredible to the men of today, i.e., a smiling confident good will of man to man, and of man to life." -- Ayn Rand
"But look! One of those with Jesus reached out his hand and drew his sword and stuck the slave of the high priest and took off his ear." -Matthew 26:51 
More than half the human beings who have ever lived are alive today. So the experimental probibility of dying is less than 50%. 
"When your enemy falls, don't rejoice -- but don't pick him up either." - Yiddish proverb 
"I write because I am personally amused by what I do, and if other people are amused by it, then it's fine. If they're not, then that's also fine." -- Frank Zappa 
I didn't really say all the things that I said. You probably didn't read what you thought you read. Statistics show that this whole thing is more than likely just a hideous misunderstanding.
"Your 'reality' Sir is lies and balderdash, and I am happy to say I have no grasp of it whatsoever." -- Baron Munchausen
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Seen it. Done it.† Can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
"Be really whole, and all things will come to you." -- Lao Tzu
"He who knows about others may be learned but he who understands himself is more intelligent. He who controls other may be powerful but he who has mastered himself is mightier still." -- Lao Tsu
No pressure, no diamonds - Mary Case
"Virginity is the scourge of ignorance. Abandon it with clear delight." -Tyagi
"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me." -- Hunter S. Thompson
"Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine-gun." --- Matt Groening, in 'Love is Hell' 
"Jesus Saves!... Then passes to Moses... Then to Abraham, now back to Moses, then to Isaac... Shoots... Scores!!!!" 
"You may not be interested in war, but war is interested in you" - Trotsky 
I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat veggies. 
Entitled to
Nights of
"Send lawyers, guns and money! Dad! Get me out of this!" -- Warren Zevon 
In the event I am captured or killed, the secretary, the project leader, the manager and the CEO will disavow any knowledge of my opinions. 
"I did this 'cause Linux gives me a woody." -Dave Taylor of id Software, on his motivations for porting DOOM to Linux. 
"I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce." -- J EDGAR HOOVER 
Why do I put my two cents in, while you give me a penny for my thoughts? Someone's making a penny here. 
Only Robinson Crusoe got everything done by Friday. 
"Start off every day with a smile and get it over with." --W.C.Fields 
"For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for Nature cannot be fooled." - R. P. Feynman 
"I'm beginning to believe in reincarnation. I couldn't have gotten this far behind in a single lifetime." 
"Report is more than 100 people a year nationwide choke to death on ball point pens." -- first item in 'The Grab Bag' written by L.M. Boyd as seen on Page 10 of the Sunday, January 8, 1995 issue of the San Francisco Chronicle newspaper. 
"It is an interesting thing to note about people. They constantly search for faster ways to kill while at the same time looking for better ways to heal. What a confused people we are." --unknown 
"Your book is dictated by the soundest reason. You had better get out of France as quickly as you can." -- Voltaire 
"Your natural charm must make you a good sprinter." 
"God don't give you no points for doing stuff you ain't afraid to do." -- Robert Blake to Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show. 
"I do not want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality by not dying." - Woody Allen 
"To be yourself in a world that tries, night and day, to make you just like everybody else - is to fight the greatest battle there ever is to fight and keep on fighting" - e.e. cummings
Everything I've learned about life I've gotten by killing smart people and eating their brains.
"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." - Albert Camus
"What is hell? Hell is oneself, hell is alone, the other figures in it merely projections. There is nothing to escape from and nothing to escape to. One is always alone." T.S. Eliot
"The statement most women want to make with their bodies is 'I'm attractive.' and the only statement they are comfortable taking over the top is 'I'm sexy.' But why not say instead, 'I have a big intellect and bold spirit--and I can kick your ass!'?" -- Gabrielle Reece
"Those who dream by night, in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible." -- T. E. Lawrence
Money is the root of all evil. Every woman needs roots.
It's ironic that men find the idea of two men together threatening, and the idea of two women together sexy. What they ought to find threatening is the idea of two women who've discovered men are completely unnecessary.
Just when you start to accept that Life's a bitch, she has puppies
"Ever notice "What the hell!" is always the right decision?" -- Marilyn Monroe
"We will not cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time." -- T.S. Eliot
"Apart from being a college professor, there is no easier job in the universe than being a journalist. For 99.999 percent of writers, there is no heavy lifting, no physical danger, no honest day's work." -- Ann Coulter
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
"But then, I didn't get the nick "malfoy" for being a consistently pleasant egalitarian devoid of reactionary ideals with a firm belief in the inherent goodness of humanity, did I?" -- Azalais Malfoy
Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Even a gentleman may use bare (or brass) knuckles when he is being hit below the belt.
"I've resigned myself to seeing everything I consider meritorious slowly destroyed by the forces of corruption, greed and stupidity, but it's really adding insult to injury that they can't even maintain a facade of competence." -- Tim Mefford
Murphy's Second Corollary: Every solution breeds new problems
"Real astronomers use kilometers.
Hardcore astronomers use centimeters." -- Phil Plait, The Bad Astronomer
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