Signature Quotes: Computers & Networking, Part 3

These are part of my collection of sig quotes, collected from years of crawling about the Internet. Share and Enjoy...

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"Electrical Technicians Corollary Number One: Electronics run on smoke. Once the smoke is removed from them, they will no longer function properly."
It's not really that complicated. It's just a little documentation to cover our butts when people complain...
"Do not meddle in the affairs of UNIX, for it is subtle and quick to dump core." -- Anon.
"As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2,400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line." - Scott Adams, creator of the comic strip Dilbert, on the ending of competing strip Calvin & Hobbes
I don't recall installing this "General Protection Fault" Screen Saver
Don't anthropomorphize computers. They don't like it.
The opinions represented herein are the sole responsibility of the proclaimer, and should not be interpreted as dogma, doctrine philosophy, or anything else other than blabber. However, if you REALLY like it, then gimme a dollar!
"Mr. Bell, after careful consideration of your invention, while it is a very interesting novelty, we have come to the conclusion that it has no commercial possibilities." --- J.P. Morgan to Alexander G. Bell
"The Earth is degenerating today. Bribery and corruption abound. Children no longer obey their parents, every man wants to write a book, and it is evident that the end of the world is fast approaching." - Assyrian Tablet, c.2800 BC
"The Internet is a telephone system that's gotten uppity." -- Clifford Stoll
There is no such thing as a free variable.
Keyboard not found. Press F1 to continue
I'm sorry Dave - an error has occurred in module PodBayDoor::Open
Quit all programs, and then restart your mission.
"Why do we have to hide from the police, Daddy?"
"Because we use emacs, son. They use vi."
"The most likely way for the world to be destroyed is by accident.
That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents." -- Nathaniel Borenstein 
"Nowadays, of course, chicks abound in games. Babage Babeage, if I may coin a term. Readers will forgive me if I do not say "women", because I think that in this instance, "chicks" is more appropriate. Ripley is a fictional woman, likewise Sara Conner. Lara Croft is merely a babe." -- John Nowak
"This is a blend of espresso, Jolt Cola, some Pixie Stix, pure cane sugar, Choco Puffs, and a splash of Mountain Dew because I'm that @!&$% crazy, man. After Drinking this, I'll be the ultimate twitch gamer." -- PVPOnline
Right now, as you read this, 17 million Americans are having sex ...
... and you're on the computer. How pathetic is that???
"That time in Seattle - during the lawsuit - was a fucking nightmare. I came out of it dead broke, without a house, without anything except a girlfriend and a knowledge of UNIX."
"Well, that's something," Avi says. "Normally those two are mutually exclusive." -- Cryptonomicon
"So, you're the UNIX guru."
"At the time, Randy was still stupid enough to be flattered by this attention, when he should have recognized them as bone-chilling words." -- Cryptonomicon
There is no place like
I'll let you get back to work, and I'll get back to reading the incomplete, hand waving level of detail, technical spec I'm supposed to produce a detailed test document from.
"Forget television, C++ was designed to slow the progress of humanity much more efficiently."
"The customer wants tea, the developer boils the ocean."
"There is nothing more appealing than a technical guru in hot pants showing you how to use the latest and greatest in technological breakthroughs." -- Kiki Stockhammer
A) Because it destroys the normal order of things, and can make long emails impossible to read!
Q) Why is Top-posting such a sin?
A) Top-posting
Q) What is the worst sin in the email world?
"On the internet no one knows you are a mouth-breathing moron. Until you post." -- Mike Crenshaw
"Word for Vista still sucks the tits of Yog Sothoth, the Goat with a Thousand Young who rests in foetid pools of Stygian darkness" -- John Ringo
From the actual iTunes End User License Agreement:
"You also agree that you will not use these products for...the development, design, manufacture or production of misiles, or nuclear, chemical or biological weapons."

Maddox has the right attitude: "If I want to manufacture biological weapons with my copy of iTunes, I will, fascists. Ditch this bullshit.

"The Linux philosophy is to laugh in the face of danger. Oops. Wrong one. Do it yourself. That's it." -- Linus Torvalds
"Interestingly, most Unix utilities have a command line option which will cause the system to rip the user's legs off and beat them to death with the soggy ends. This is often the default behaviour." -- Bruce Murphy
"Pascal will let you walk up to the edge of the cliff but the cliff has barriers and signs that warn you of the edge.
C assumes you know what you're doing when you ran at the cliff and leap off."
Ethernet does not use the Ether!
v. derived from the acronym for mobile, out of office. Moofers abandon the workplace between meetings, taking laptop and BlackBerry to the local Starbucks or anyplace else where they can escape interruption by talkative coworkers.
"iPhone's predictive typing is wild. Meant to say "*c u guys soon*" but it came out "*I'm too fucking old to be typing on a goddamn phone!*" -- Merlin Mann
"Shit. The system has become sentient. Friggin Python. How could you possibly think typing 'import skynet' was a good idea?"
"Ordered a pizza off the Internet. Is there anything it CAN'T do?" -- Leigh Ellwood
"Come to my and I'll give you sudo access." -- nerd pickup line
The 140 is the Twitter version of 411. Tell me the news in 140 characters or less.
"Twitter would be so much easier if I could bring myself to type like a 12 yr old. Damn my inner grammar nazi." -- Tabitha Hale
"Don't worry, I'll Twitter this"
Awesome thanks for the offer man. If I need a website with 49 validation errors & lots sales bullshit I'll give you a call.
"Hey I takes my retweets where I can get 'em ;-) "
"Deleted code is debugged code." -- Jeff Sickel
"Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it." -- Brian W. Kernighan
"The most effective debugging tool is still careful thought, coupled with judiciously placed print statements." -- Brian W. Kernighan, in the paper Unix for Beginners (1979)
If Facebook were a country, it would be the 4th most populous in the world.
"Online, people can't see the yawn." -- Johns Hopkins University psychologist Patricia Wallace
"Windows7 is a wonderful apology for Vista." -- Patrick Norton
When I get an auto DM reply about TrueTwit, I have to wonder if I just followed a bot account.
Not being able to turn off the geotagging option in the Tumblr iPhone app is extremely annoying and poor UI design to boot.
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
"If you're underage, and you're bragging about getting drunk or fucked up online, it doesn't make you look cool. Isn't it past your bedtime anyways?"
"Using the iPhone is like living in Mussolini's Italy. Trains run on time, but there is some bad stuff going on." -- Leo Laporte
Wikipedia is like a bathroom stall, and everyone gets a marker.
"Google is Skynet."
"We're experts on this kind of stuff. We've talked about it on the Internet."
Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen.
"Programs must be written for people to read, and only incidentally for machines to execute." -- Abelson & Sussman, Structure and Interpretation of Computer Programs
Please note that this feature gives you lots of rope with which to hang yourself.
"A C program is like a fast dance on a newly waxed dance floor by people carrying razors." -- Waldi Ravens
C++: Hard to learn and built to stay that way.
"Java is, in many ways, C++--." -- Michael Feldman
"I'll be honest, there has been more than one occasion I've wanted to pop a tweet off while driving. Don't grow up to be like me, kids." -- Ryan Block
Halfway measures are the curse of all Scrum Masters.
Legacy code is code you have no tests for.
Siri does not grok Spock.
Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand.
"Data does not exist unless it exists in three places."
"Duplicating defects is a meta-Sin."
"1995 was great. Stupid people mostly had not yet acquired internet access."
"Architecture is the 20% of the code that screws up the other 80%."
"If Tetris has taught me anything, it's that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear."
"Failure is not an option! It comes bundled with the software."
Jif is a peanut butter
Gif is a file format
Learn the difference
"I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere."
"I've set the wedding date. I have not asked her out yet." -- How software projects are managed.
"People in charge of hiring look at your LinkedIn profile to know why they should hire you. Then they look at your Facebook profile to find out why they should NOT hire you!"
"The Cloud is someone else's computer."
"Why do security police grab people and torture them? To get their information. And hard disks put up no resistance to torture. You need to give the hard disk a way to resist. That's cryptography." -- Patrick Ball, Human Rights Data Analysis Group
"Writing code accounts for 90 percent of programming. Debugging code accounts for the other 90 percent."
"Zero privacy is Facebook's entire business model." -- Stephen Green
"I should be able to whisper something in your ear, even if your ear is 1000 miles away, and the government disagrees with that." -- Philip Zimmermann, creator of Pretty Good Privacy (PGP), the most widely used email encryption software in the world
"I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code."
"I'm surprised it doesn't work seamlessly." -- Heard in a software defect triage
"Analysis is no more about Wireshark than Astronomy is about a telescope."
"Programs do not acquire bugs as people acquire germs, by hanging around other buggy programs. Programmers must insert them." -- Dr. Harlan Mills
"Voodoo Code: No comments and no tests listed."
"Premature optimization is the root of all evil."
"Making mistakes is human. Automating them is DevOps."
"Twitter is a virus of the mind." -- Glenn Reynolds
"Software has no idea what truth is."
"We don't do software engineering. We're a startup."
"Features are bugs in a tux."
"Facebook: Enabling passive-aggression since 2004"
"It's amazing what you can learn when you have a gun to your head. Which is the only reason to learn Java."
"I've read too much Tolkien to trust a surveillance device named 'Ring'."
"The packet-switching Internet (called ARPANET to start) began operating in 1969, only to be invented by Al Gore in 1991."
"Debugging: Being the detective in a crime movie where you are also the murderer."
"The S in IoT stands for security."
"As soon as she unblocks me the wedding is back on."
"The more code you write, the more bugs you get."
"Discussions about hash collisions seems to carry the same energy as religion and politics."
"Do you have a backup?" means "I can't fix this." -- #41 in The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
"Once you outsource your software development, your coding best practices standard becomes a polite fiction."
"Paper is a well understood, and mature WORM technology."
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