"If it's stupid and it works, it ain't stupid."
"How do you get guys to find a kilo of fat attractive?"
"Put a nipple on it."
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Florida seems to be a mixture of Hollywood and Arkansas, with a large dash of Cuba tossed in for flavor.
"I wasn't kissing her. I was just whispering in her mouth." -- Chico Marx
"Cannibalism is a term of oppression; the properly respectful term is 'human recycling.'"
Another Month Ends; All Targets Met ; All Systems Working;
All Customers Satisfied; All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic All Pigs Fed and Ready to fly
"Take that for putting my father in a pie, you four-eyed Scottish bastard!" exalted Peter and gave a little rabbity hop for joy. -- from Peter Rabbit, Tank Killer
How does a project get to be a year late? - One day at a time. -- Fred Brooks, The Mythical Man-Month
"There MUST be a God. What else explains leather minis?"
"I like doing it because I can get away looking like Iím half Barberella and half green-skinned Orion slave girl." -- KikiStockhammer on why she's in Warp 11
"Now that every code geek called themselves a guru, every CEO was a visionary, every Web designer an artist and every ad copy boy a writer, a stripper calling herself a dancer didn't sound as absurd as it used to." -- Billy Chaka, Hokkaido Popsicle
Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter. - Julias H. Comroe
Because I'm weird enough, and I'm sick enough, and doggone it, people fear me!
"I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part." -- Eric "Otter" Stratton, "Animal House," 1978
"My books are water; those of great geniuses are wine. Everybody drinks water." -- Mark Twain
The Protestants have it all wrong. The Fire isn't to consume you because you're sinful, but to purify you so that you can be nearer to God. It's only going to burn you if you're not ready for it. If you are ready, you're going to revel in that burning, that cleansing, that rebirth in the Fire.
"usenet: it's not an obsession. it's just something I have to do ALL THE TIME" -- Meredith "gypsy" Tanner
"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." -- Nietzsche
Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
"I don't cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions." Lillian Hellman
"The rack of the slide of a 12ga is probably the most fearsome sound you'll ever hear in the dark. Unless it's YOURS." -- Glenn R. Stone
"This is the Nineties, Bubba, and there is no such thing as Paranoia. It's all true." -- Hunter S Thompson
If mind games were any more enjoyable, I'm pretty sure they'd result in ejaculation
Conversations tend to be much more civil when there's a chance the other person might snap and kill you
"Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties."
"Angry mobs are never a good thing, especially when they are led by someone you have just beaten up."
This park has some stonework of the sort Jeff called "typically European" and I kind of hate to point out that this means "crumbling and badly dressed stonework in poor repair." -- John Nowak
Why do they call it "plutoni-yum" if we're not supposed to eat it?
Larrabee's Law: Half of everything you hear in a classroom is crap. Education is figuring out which half is which.
Six Phases of a Project
4. Search for the Guilty
5. Punishment of the Innocent
6. Praise & Honors for the Non-Participants
"...that's when things started to get screwed up -- Crosby, Stills, and Nash ruined rock and roll." -- Ann Althouse
"It is an impressive place that smells like the 1950s, when everyone wore starch white shirts and black slacks and perfect crewcuts and worked on massive industrial projects..." -- Elf Sternberg
"Who do I have to sleep with to get a decent orgasm around here?" -- Tatsuya Ishida
"Men don't really like skinny, do they? Ever since I dated a woman, I know what it is to grab a curve on a woman's body. Skinny's not fine when the lights are low." -- Angelina Jolie
"Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy." -- Henry Kissinger
"You go to Heaven for the weather and you go to Hell for the conversation."
"Granted, bad theology isn't the same as homoerotic torture"
"You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
"I drink to make other people interesting." -- George Jean Nathan
"You must be oh-so smart, or oh-so pleasant. For years I was smart. I recommend pleasant...and you may quote me." -- Jimmy Stewart in Harvey
"I only require three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid." -- Dorothy Parker
I'm at the age where I need two women at once so when I fall asleep they'll have someone to talk to.
"Jimmy bought a handful of shallots which, having first crushed them with the heavy wooden sole of a Dutch clog heíd salvaged from an Amsterdam cathouse, he cut into pulpy lines and snorted through the hollowed-out wren femur he kept on his person for just such an occasion." -- Jeff Goldstein
"All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl." -- Charlie Chaplin
If it's true the world's getting smaller, why do they keep increasing the price of postage?
WORSTALL'S LAW: "Any Organization Will, In the End, Be Run By Those who Stay Awake in Committee."
Outercourse: Oral sex.
You beat the shit out of a dog, and it will mope, and try to show you how sorry they are and try to get back in your good graces.
So much as look at a cat sideways, and it will plot your death for the next several weeks.
It's not the long days that are getting to me, it's the short nights....
"I invite each of you to sit down in front of your own television set when your station goes on the air and stay there for the day...I can assure you that what you will observe is a vast wasteland." -- Newton N. Minow, FCC chairman (May 9, 1961)
Michael LeBoeuf once commented that the elements of the perfect fiction would involve religion, royalty, sex, and mystery≠and then boiled it down to one
sentence: "My God," said the Queen, "Iím pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
"My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact." -- Rosanne Barr
"I never realized until lately that women were supposed to be inferior." -- Katherine Hepburn
"Once a woman has forgiven a man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast." -- Marlene Dietrich
"You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of discussion." -- Plato, philosopher (427-347 BCE)
An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.
Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie they acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underwear at all, practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
You Know You're A Horny Pagan If...you consider KY Jelly an altar tool...
"...But then, that's kinda like noting that a couple of bent spoons are vouching for Uri Geller, isn't it...?? -- Jeff Goldstein
"This race and this country and this life produced me, he said. I shall express myself as I am." -- James Joyce, Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
"The heros are larger than life, but then, that is what makes them heros." -- MarkUrbin
"When it's three o'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London." -- Bette Midler
"The only thing that ever consoles man for the stupid things he does is the praise he always gives himself for doing them." -- Oscar Wilde
You can put makeup on a pig, but it's still a pig.
It's time to put makeup on the pig.
"I hate flowers. I paint them because they're cheaper than models and they don't move." -- Georgia O'Keeffe
"After 60 years of promising and never quite delivering, Playboy finally reveals the trick to attracting women: be really, really, really, really frigging good-looking." -- Ace
I want to go home
It sucks to work on Friday
Is it Beer Thirty?
It's not beer thirty!
According to my wristwatch,
It's quarter past scotch.
"Dream no small dreams. They have no power to stir the souls of men." -- Victor Hugo
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man." -- George Bernard Shaw
"The problem isn't that Johnny can't read. The problem isn't even that Johnny can't think. The problem is that Johnny doesn't know what thinking is; he confuses it with feeling." -- Thomas Sowell
"Surround yourself with human beings, my dear James. They are easier to fight for than principles." -- Casino Royale, Ian Fleming
"No one is just friends with a belly dancer!"
"Then government is like a glacier. To get anything done, first it has to snow for a million years. But once things start moving, you better get the hell out of the way."
"The night was cold, dark, and wet, like the nose of a Labrador retriever in good health."
"The hand wasn't actually Evil, but it was kind of pissed off about the whole situation." -- Frederick Brackin
"It takes a heap of loafing to write a novel." -- Gertrude Stein
"Data goes in : management comes out." -- Scott Adams
"Men's underwear. See, there are basically two types. Boxers and briefs (otherwise known as whitey-tighties). Now, boxers come in all different designs and patterns and different materials like cotton and silk. A man can still be a man and wear silk boxers. Men can't wear silk whitey-tighties, 'cause then they'd be panties." -- Torg
I tried to get a rectangular bear for months. Ended up I had to get a polar bear and use trig... -- Akchizar
Oak trees are nuts who stood their ground. -- Beth Bruner
When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can turn into deadly projectiles.
If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on top of each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. -- Norman Augustine
For all their high handed talk about learning the lessons of history, the only thing that has come through is that most people take realy bad notes. - SGTGoody for on www.battlefront.com general message forum
Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone - but not the complete structure. It is much to pliable, too yielding. -- Bette Davis
Man is only truly great when he acts from his passions. -- Bemjamin Disraeli
I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs. -- Robert Downey Jr.
If no one was sued, it didn't happen. -- Scott Nelson
I'm optimistic because it creates possibilities. -- Tommie Lee Jones
"I swear -- you leave France for a few months, and they go and break it. Damn." -- John Nowak
Human beings are made up of flesh and blood, and a miracle fiber called courage.
"Of course, the underlying structure of everything in England is posh. There is no in-between with these people. You have to walk a mile to find a telephone booth, but when you find it, it is built as if the senseless dynamiting of pay phones had been a serious problem in the past. And a British mailbox can presumably stop a German tank." -- Cryptonomicon
"There are no rules for good photographs, there are only good photographs." -- Ansel Adams
"Sometimes I do get to places just when God's ready to have somebody click the shutter." -- Ansel Adams
"Photography is more than a medium for factual communication of ideas. It is a creative art." -- Ansel Adams
The theory first forwarded by Dennis Finch -- "All chicks are just three cocktails away from some hot girl-on-girl action" -- seems to be edging closer to full scientific peer-reviewed confirmation. -- Ace
"Men can be analyzed, women merely adored." -- Oscar Wilde
"I dont mind living in a mans world as long as I can be a woman in it." -- Marilyn Monroe
"Personally, I liked the university. They gave us money and facilities, we didn't have to produce anything! You've never been out of college! You don't know what it's like out there! I've worked in the private sector. They expect results." -- Ghostbusters
"We like the chase better than the quarry." -- Blaise Pascal
"I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days." -- Jon Stewart
A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.
"...independent films are those black and white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding." -- Cartman, South Park
Albert Einstein - "The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax."
"There is a very fine line between "hobby" and mental illness." -- Dave Barry
"I love guns, mostly because they keep bed-wetting, patchouli-stink hippies away from me."
An optimist is.
A realist is an optimist with information.
A pessimist is a realist with experience.
"The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing." -- Walt Disney
"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse." -- Groucho Marx
"Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great." -- Comte DeBussy-Rabutin
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage." -- Lao-Tzu
"After all, tomorrow is another day." -- Vivien Leigh (as Scarlett O'Hara); Gone with the Wind (1939)
The Girls that are always Easy on the Eyes are NEVER easy on the heart.
gastronome: a lover of good food and drink.
Coldplay: shite, whiney, self-indulgent music for shite, whiney, self-indulgent cunts.
Oh, hang on... I left out pompous...
"San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was." -- Herb Caen
"The mother of excess is not joy but joylessness." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do." -- 4th place entry in the 2005 Bulwer-Lytton contest.
Heroic Doctor: I'm in no mood for your frenzied ideas!
Spunky Reporter Niece: I don't care, are you going to tie me up?
-- The Seventh Curse (subtitles)
"Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper." -- Mark Twain
"The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Courage is like love; it must have hope to nourish it." -- Napoleon Bonaparte
"Once upon a time, there was a large and lonely market segment just waiting for Prince Charming..."
The important thing is victory, not persistence.
You know you're watching a B-grade movie when a scientist shouts, "Give me the computer code for 'defuse'!" and someone shouts back "4-5-6-21-19-5!"
"It could be worse" is not a motivational phrase.
"Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny." -- Kin Hubbard
"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." -- Winston Churchill
"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed." -- George Burns
"Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question." -- A. Camus
"What a silly fool I am!", I said, disgusted. "Here I am, over 40, and I still assume that reporters actually know stuff that they write about." -- John Nowak
"I am really weird. Like you know how like when people's conscience is talking to them how there is the angel over one shoulder and then the devil over the other? Well for me it is penguins. The one on the left is good and like he has a name tag that says "good"...And the one on the right is a gothic penguin with fangs and one wing. Well, not really one wing; it's more like one wing and a stump." -- Overheard in New York
"The penguins alone could not have saved us, but in conjunction with the mist they seem to have done so." -- At the Mountains of Madness, H.P. Lovecraft
"The hippo is one of the most dangerous animals in the world, killing more people than lions. And amazingly enough, you still see museum signs saying that you shouldn't be afraid of plant-eating dinosaurs, because they don't eat people. Well, neither do cape buffalo or black rhinos." -- John Nowak
"It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech." -- Mark Twain
"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one." -- Malcolm Forbes
"We are faced with the paradoxical fact that education has become one of the chief obstacles to intelligence and freedom of thought." -- Bertrand Russell
"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." -- Aristotle
"She was talking about kissing a girl as if it were a rite of passage among the sort of people who use the word edgy to describe tattoos." -- Camille Dodero
"Besides, tattoos lost their rebelliousness a long time ago. These days, theyíre about as edgy as minivans." -- Jonathan Wilde
"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk." -- Rita Rudner
you're the echoes of my everything, you're the emptiness the whole world sings at night. you're the laziness of afternoon, you're the reason why i burst and why i bloom. you're the leaky sink of sentiment, you're the failed attempts i never could forget. you're all the metaphores i cant create to comprehend this curse that i call love.
The greatest undeveloped territory in the world lies under your hat.
"There are few gay men who are as into male homosexuality and gay culture as straight liberal women." -- Ace
All around me I see nothing but Chaos, Panic and Disorder. At last, my work here is done.
"We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition." -- Alex Comfort
New Paltz, NY. It might as well be a Federal Hippy Preserve.
"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." -- Friedrich Nietzsche, who sums up The Way in manner to turn Taoists green with fornicating envy.
"Albino goths probably suffer from even more existential dread than standard goths because the occupational therapy component of painting their faces white is missing." -- Michael Nagel
Stupid should hurt.
"Spyware includes dark glasses, Macintosh coats, Trilby hats and a briefcase. Spyware is often worn by people hanging around in parks during the cold war."
"Her eyes were blue, the Wehrmacht wore gray..." -- Lesile Bates
"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." -- Joey Adams
Achieving life is not the equivalent of avoiding death. - Ayn Rand
"The thing about Robert Johnson was that he only existed on his records. He was pure legend." -- Martin Scorsese
Iím just like you, only Iím interesting and my life isnít devoid of meaning.
Miles and miles of sprawling contempt and insensitivity
Like The Sound of Music - only Julie Andrews gets shot
One part K-Y, two parts cayenne pepper
"I have often had the impression that, to penguins, man is just another penguin -- different, less predictable, occasionally violent, but tolerable company when he sits still and minds his own business."
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done." -- Anonymous
A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly stranged.
Convention center are the basilicas of secular religion.
Actually, absence of evidence IS evidence of absence. But it's not PROOF of absence.
The best lie of all. A truth no one will ever believe.
"The virtue of the camera is not the power it has to transform the photographer into an artist, but the impulse it gives him to keep on looking." -- Brooks Anderson, American Painter
society teaches you all through life that violence is bad and killing is abhorrent yet some people just don't need to go on breathing...
"WTF is Velveeta?"
"It's like Spam, only cheese."
"You won! All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do! That's what Caesar did, he's not going around saying "I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it"! The history of the world is not people making friends. You had better weapons, you massacred them, end of story!" -- The character Spike in an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer written by Jane Espenson
The change target must be attracted to choose transformational tasks by feeling simultaneously challenged and supported.
"To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead." -- Thomas Paine
"The True Gentleman is the man whose conduct proceeds from good will and an acute sense of propriety, and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies; who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity; who is himself humbled if necessity compels him to humble another; who does not flatter wealth, cringe before power, or boast of his own possessions or achievements; who speaks with frankness but always with sincerity and sympathy; whose deed follows his word; who thinks of the rights and feelings of others, rather than his own; and who appears well in any company, a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe." -- John Walter Wayland (Virginia 1899)
There Are No Secrets, Only Information You Don't Yet Have.
Human Capital - The amount of education and training embodied in a labor force.
"The smell of penguin was heavy in the air." -- John Nowak in Antarctica
"Particle physics is like studying fine wristwatches by slamming them together to see which parts fall out." -- Phil Berardelli, ScienceNOW Daily News
"Some Australians, I think," I said, "live only to prove that every stereotype about Australians is true."
"And good on them." -- John Nowak
"No matter how much you may be Jonesen, don't drink the Kool-Aid." -- Dr. Tiki, episode 13, "Skull & Bones"
"Paper's a really advanced technology. That was brought home to me by working on this, when I read a lot of documents from that era, which were put down on really good, acid-free paper. They're all pretty much as good as they were the day they were made 300 or 350 years ago. This is not going to be true of today's electronic media in 300 years. There's a lesson there." -- Neal Stephenson
"I can't recall a time of my life when the world was going to last more than a decade or two." -- John Nowak
"Between Global Thermonuclear War with the Soviet Union, Global Cooling, the Population Bomb, DDT, AIDS, the Elbola virus, a half dozen other doomsday issues, and now Global Warming, it's like living in one long 1970's disaster film." -- MarkUrbin
"If sex isn't demeaning, degrading, and dirty, you're doing something wrong."
"Science progresses by asking interesting questions, not by avoiding questions whose answers might not be helpful in achieving a political agenda." -- Dr. Robert Spitzer, Professor of Psychiatry, Columbia University
I also mourn for the victims of auto accidents killed today. There were 42,000 deaths in 2001, which means that it is likely that something over one hundred people died today from the general use of automobiles as a transport system.
"I think of my songs as my children - I expect them to support me when I get old." -- Dolly Parton
Small towns in western Germany are usually about ten kilotons apart.
praying for love in a lapdance, and paying in naivety.
"The problem with beauty is that it's like being born rich and getting poorer." -- Joan Collins
On to Part 9
Quotes collected from the net by Eclipse Main Sig Quote Page