Signature Quotes: What's left over. Part IX

These are my collection of sig quotes, collected from years of crawling about the Internet. Share and Enjoy...

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"Bruce Campbell is to crazy cool as Chuck Norris is to roundhouse kicks"
"at least I'll die as I've lived my life"
"Erect at awkward times?"
" ... yes "
"Of course sex is completely animalistic and primitive. The good kind is, anyway. Some of the worst sex I've ever had was with guys with whom I went to grad school. Any straight guy who's chosen to take "The Power of the Vagina: Gender Performance in Renaissance Drama," nine times out of ten, is not going to be a great lay. In my experience, anyway. He's just a little too in touch with his feminine side." -- Forksplit
"The biographies of the Buddha reveal that in one of his early incarnations, he met a murderer of 1000's of men. Acting correctly and with compassion for all sentient beings, the Buddha's incarnation killed the murderer to prevent additional suffering. That is true compassion!"
Zen is an end in itself. Your only goal must be mushotoku, the goal of having no goals, of striving not to strive. "How is it possible to strive to not have goals?" you might ask. "Isn't that itself a goal?" Don't be a smart aleck. You should be as goal-less and lacking in purpose as your cousin, the successful one.
"I need some baling wire, nachos, 12 gauge shotgun shells, pantyhose, an inner tube for a 26" bike tire, and a Sponge Bob Square Pants bath towel. It's poker night." -- from
"If I didn't have my films as an outlet for all the different sides of me, I would probably be locked up." -- Angelina Jolie
"Honestly, I like everything. Boyish girls, girlish boys, the thick, the thin. Which is a problem when I'm walking down the street." -- Angelina Jolie
A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"
A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste. -- Whitney Balliett
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. -- Michael Winner, British film director
Art is anything you can get away with. -- Marshall McLuhan.
Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work. -- Flaubert
"Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy." -- Howard W. Newton
I've followed you, talked to your neighbours, tapped your phone, and even shot at you to see how you would react. From my observations I have come to one irrefutable conclusion: You are Paranoid.
Never slap a bear in the face with a trout!
"There's my nipple."
"We orginally wanted to show both your nipples, but we want to show that we had a bit of class." -- Milla Jovovich and Paul Anderson, "Resident Evil" DVD Audio Commentary
"A girl can only be a slut, bitch, tease, or the virgin next door." -- Ginger, "Ginger Snaps"
Millihelen: amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
"Sluts are the nicest people in the world. Theyíre people pleasers!" -- Jessica Cutler
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde
"Without education we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously." -- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the changes on its corollaries; That's Philosophy. Two: Record many facts. Try to see a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; That's Science. Three: Awareness that you live in a malevolent universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset in party Brewster's factor; That's Engineering."
"My brand of comfort isn't so much 'there-there' as it is 'there's a boot, pardon me while I connect it with your ass'" -- Davan from Something Positive
Willpower that's what I need. But the stores seem to be clear out of it so I've picked up some packets of procrastination going cheap instead.
"If you don't like cops, fine. The next time you're in trouble, call a hippie."
If you view money as inherently evil, I view it as my duty to assist in making you more virtuous.
"I used to have a handle on life, then it broke."
"Poor Mark David Chapman; three feet to the right and he could have been a hero." -- Tamara K.
"The strength of the wolf is the pack, and srength of the pack is the wolf." -- Kipling
"I can't imagine mastering the skills involved here without a clearer understanding of who's going to be impressed." -- Calvin and Hobbes
"When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence." -- Ansel Adams
"The vegan lifestyle is unnatural, requiring a modern, expensive distribution system to even be viable." -- RWS
"Basil is that most dangerous of animals - a clever sheep." -- Monty Python
"To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead." -- Thomas Paine
No wuckiní furries, mate!
Meet me in outer space. we could spend the night, watch the Earth come up.
Life is like a chili pepper... what may be fun today will probably burn your ass tomorrow.
"The trouble with marrying your mistress is that you create a job vacancy." -- Sir James Goldsmith
"Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status." -- Laurence J. Peter
"Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away." -- Laurence J. Peter
"The old man was American as it got, but in what she thought of as some very recently archaic way. Someone who would've been in charge of something, in America, when grown-ups still ran things." -- Spook Country, William Gibson
There is nothing as eloquent as a rattlesnake's tail.
"The secret to a happy life is never pass up the opportunity to eat, sleep, or gather possible blackmail material." -- Sam Starfall, Freefall, June 18, 2008
Coyote is always out there and coyote is always hungry. -- Navajo saying
"The Arizona desert is so hot and dry, Iím told you can piss yourself and it dries by the time you order your next whiskey. Godís country!" -- Martin Sargent
"Environmentalists donít care about the planet." -- George Carlin
"It doesn't take a lot of imagination to piss off a feminist." -- George Carlin
"The smaller the environment, the sharper the elbows."
"We do not need more people writing Christian books; what we need is more Christians writing good books." -- C.S. Lewis
"i wish the west texas highway was a mobius strip" -- Verocious
"Summer in London is both awesome and horrid. This morning, it seems nice. That might be the sleep deprivation talking, though." -- Will harris
"Banging the door of the bus you just missed is the sad SF version of throwing your sheriff hat at the Duke boys." -- Merlin Mann
"NPR reminds us how personally rewarding it can be to empathize with interesting poor people for as long as eight minutes." -- Merlin Mann
"I care for all living beings, except for slow drivers in the left-hand lane, terrorists and pedophiles." -- Bandit Six
"In fairness, Burning Man makes sense if youíre looking for a place to wear goggles while fingering someone you met at a drumming circle." -- Merlin Mann
"Aaah, the 80s - that happy little decade between social activism and self-loathing grunge." -- Glenn Reynolds
"My father warned me about men and booze, but he never mentioned a word about women and cocaine." -- Tallulah Bankhead
"Mass Media started with Gutenberg." -- Patrick Norton on TWiT 159
"If you're salt-deficient, you'll go lick the sweat off your significant other...there are other physiological drives that will cause the same behavior."
On Siamese Fighting Fish: "They're beautiful, they're elegant, they're vicious as hell...there's a real life lesson here somewhere."
"Men stare at those parts of the female anatomy which carry the subcutaneous fat necessary for childbearing and lactation. This is not news."
"If money stopped buying things, I'd lose interest in it."
"I learned to put the [toilet] seat makes you look like a warm, caring, sensitive human being."
"She's human...well, she's a lawyer, but reasonably human."
"We're going to assume a few things about reality. One, it exists. That's not a necessary assumption, but I find it comforting."
"There are a lot of reasons to skydive. It does take your mind off your problems."
"There was some brilliant work done with rats, which makes it scientific."
"It is not the strongest of species that survives, nor the most intelligent, it is the one that is most adaptable to change." -- Charles Darwin
"There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all." -- Peter Drucker
Claudia Schiffer is one of the few recent German export success stories.
Be Quick, but not in a hurry.
"I like to have a martini, two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host." -- Dorthy Parker
Vegetarian = Ancient tribal slang for the village idiot who can't hunt, fish, or ride.
"The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery." -- Anais Nin
"Practice does not make perfect. Only perfect practice makes perfect." -- Vince Lombardi
"Roger Ailes told me early on, you donít need a license to report. You need a license to do hair." -- Matt Drudge
Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject.
"FriendFeed seems a godsend for anyone who enjoys observing a strangerís every move while still honoring the terms of the restraining order." -- Merlin Mann
"Van Halen/Van Hagar = soft-core metal. As close to metal as you can get w/o necessarily being there." -- AttilaGirl
"The best thing Kurt Cobain ever released was the safety."
"I just had decent sex with an awful human being!"
For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
Ignoring biology in favor of ideology rarely goes well.
"You must be a crocodile or Moses or something, because you live in Da Nile!"
"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on." -- Marilyn Monroe
"Wine is for having with food. Beer goes with TV. Scotch is for scotchís sake. Vodka is for getting drunk." -- Melissa Clouthier
Success comes in cans, not in cannots.
"Bash it out now, we'll tart it up later." -- Nick Lowe
"A powerless man is only sexy if he's paying you to make him feel that way." -- Right Girl
"The thing I miss most about the '70's is my mind."
"No one gossips about other people's secret virtues." -- Bertrand Russell
"If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled." -- P. G. Wodehouse
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels." -- Groucho Marx
"Socrates was a philosopher. He went around pointing out errors in the way things were done. They fed him hemlock." -- Anonymous
"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way." -- Mark Twain
Iíve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
Iíve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
Iíve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, youíd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
Iíve learned that you shouldnít compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
Iíve learned that you can keep puking long after you think youíre finished.
Iíve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
Iíve learned no good deed goes unpunished.
"If we were meant to be blinded by science, they wouldn't have put eyewash fountains in the high school chemistry lab." -- James Lileks
"The most certain way to succeed is to TRY just one more time." -- Thomas A. Edison
"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today." -- James Dean
Kissing is like drinking salted water: you drink and your thirst increases.
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house." -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Dennys has a new octomom meal. 14 eggs, No sausage, and the guy nexts to you pays your bill.
"Greed, for lack of better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works." -- Gordon Gekko in Wall Street.
"In our factory, we make lipstick. In our advertising, we sell hope." -- Charles Revson, Revlon Corporation
"I'm making this up. Don't quote me." -- Christopher Walken
Quality Assurance is part of marketing. You can't brand something that is inconsistent.
"Only Tom Cruise could turn a movie about fighter pilots into a chick flick." -- John Ruberry
ďNobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.Ē -- Maria Robinson
"For future reference: I do not wish to continue in Spanish. I would, however, like to pause in Serbian, and retreat in French." -- James Lileks
Every time I meet a girl who can cook like my mother, she looks like my father.
"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once." -- Albert Einstein
Never pay attention to any pretentious, self-important idiot who uses the phrase "it behooves us". They're far too insecure and strained to impress to be trusted.
Armed with an eye for contradictions she sees completely through me.
You break up with a girlfriend, your house is still your house, you break up with a wife and itís game on.
ďIn the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.Ē -- Charlie Brown
Great Leaders aren't defined by consensus.
"In this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant." -- Elwood P. Dowd
"Q: How many LA screenwriters does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Who here has coke?" -- Merlin Mann
"My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness" -- The Dalai Lama
"First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win." -- Gandhi
"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education." -- Albert Einstein
"I donít know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." -- Bill Cosby
"The greatest conspiracy on the planet is stupidity." -- Robert Anton Wilson
"Emptiness has full potential."
"A market is never saturated with a good product, but it is very quickly saturated with a bad one." -- Henry Ford
"Too fucking busy, and vice versa." -- Dorothy Parker, in response to her editorís request for work on her honeymoon.
You don't have to be deep to be a good marketer - many are surface dwellers
The job of management is leadership, not supervision.
Because forewarned is forearmed, and forearmed is half an octopus.
Okyakusama - Japanese for both "Customer" and "Honored Guest"
"In Social Science, theories are seldom adequately tested."
"Offer your customer a long-term relationship,then do everything possible to build and maintain it." -- Brian Tracy
"It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; itís one damn thing over and over." -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." -- Albert Einstein
"Any time that woman is upright sheís wasting her time." -- Richard Burton commenting on Elizabeth Taylor.
"Those who tell the stories rule society." -- PLATO
"In life, all good things come hard, but wisdom is the hardest to come by." -- Lucille Ball
PowerPoint is where ideas go to die.
"Tell 'em what they want. Customers love it when they talk dirty to you."
Cleanup on Aisle Life...
As the master said to his confused disciple, "That was Zen, this is Tao."
"With enough courage, you can do without a reputation." -- Rhett Butler, Gone With the Wind
"I, Joan Crawford, I believe in the dollar. Everything I earn, I spend."
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt.
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice." - Bill Cosby
"Thatís wrong like Janet Reno in a mini skirt."
"When women go wrong, men go right after them." -- Mae West
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
"Seriously. Let it *really* sink in. Edgar Bergen was a radio ventriloquist. He did ventriloquism; on the radio." -- Merlin Mann
"Biggest reason hippies don't bathe? That's the easiest time to steal your loose change and shake weed." -- Merlin Mann
"Apparently pussy makes some people bat shit crazier than others, for a certain group of lesbians the pink ruff ratchets up a high level of full-blown insanity, similar to the levels of irrationality seen only in rat-tailed crackers tweaking that next meth fix." -- Jaded Heaven
"If you want to get laid, go to college, but if you want an education, go to the library." -- Frank Zappa, Playboy Interview, April 1993.
It bears repeating that a million-dollar solution to a thousand-dollar problem is not defensible.
"If you don't feel that you are possibly on the edge of humiliating yourself, of losing control of the whole thing, then probably what you are doing isn't very vital." -- John Irving
I'm starting a new guilt-based exercise class. Calling it Pontius Pilates.
Islamic scholars once wrote that the perfect number of wives is four and that the swallowing of a man's seed for a woman helps them to stay healthy and youthful.
"Censorship is telling a man he canít have a steak just because a baby canít chew it." -- Mark Twain
All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.
The rat's perturbed; it must sense nanobots! Code grey! We have a Helvetica scenario!
"One striking thing about Massachusetts in winter is that it continually commits unexpected acts of gratuitous prettiness." -- John Nowak
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasnít it." -- Groucho Marx
"Teamwork" is the word that bosses use when they actually mean "Do what I say" -- Seth Godin
"Nothing stands for content free corporate bullshit quite like PowerPoint and that's just cracking the surface..." -- The Jennifer Morgue by Charles Stross
"It's still a fucking Smart car. Range Rovers carry them as life boats. Couldn't you give me in Aston Martin or something?" -- The Jennifer Morgue by Charles Stross
Marketing is defined as the art of convincing people to buy what they don't need with the money they don't have.
"Actors and actresses are the worst, because they're just fucking monkeys. Half the people in this country could do what they do but for some reason they think their opinion matters." -- Matt Stone
I keep some peopleís phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they callÖ
"A hug is like an emotional heimlich. Someone puts their arms around you and they give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety come shooting out of your mouth in a big wet wad and you can breathe again."
People tend to use hockey-stick graphs when they are trying to pull one over on you. Reality usually isnít so tidy.
"There are two reasons why I am successful in show business and I am standing on both of them." -- Betty Grable
"When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable , must be the truth." -- Sherlock Holmes
Nick Lowe is a pop genius, but it was Dave Edmunds who brought the Rock & Roll to Rockpile.
"Technically brilliant without a shred of humanity. Hollywood in a nutshell." -- ConservativeLA
"All men dance when Patriotism and Profit sing in harmony." -- John Nowak
"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring." -- Mariyn Monroe
"I thought every scene with Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise in Interview with a Vampire was gayer than the volleyball scene in Top Gun (and we all know how gay that was)" -- Jonah Goldberg
"Publishers use "content" like frat boys say "pussy." And each feigns *just* enough interest in the willing to quickly fill a space." -- Merlin Mann
" L.A. people confuse Tommy LaSorda for Mark Twain." -- Jonah Goldberg
"For future reference, a vodka tonic before cardio kickboxing is probably not the best course of action." -- Veronica Belmont
"HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has Ďfucking peopleí down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first." -- Shit my Dad Says
Nerds? We prefer the term INTELLECTUAL BADDASS!
"There is no Bob Dylan song that hasnít been covered better by someone else."
"The captain lashes himself to the wheel (no real reason, he's just into nautical bondage.)" -- Doug Berry
"Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance." -- Kurt Vonnegut
"There is no such thing as adventure and romance. There is only trouble and desire." -- Hal Hartley
ďYou have been told that real life is not like college and you have been correctly informed. Real life is more like high school.Ē -- Meryl Streep
"...if you're making a major buy of illegal drugs, don't leave the suitcases full of money in your car that you've skipped five payments on." -- Advice from a former repo man.
"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." -- Roman Philosopher Seneca
Your theory is crazy, but itís not crazy enough to be true.
"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." -- Mark Twain
"I met a rotund ecomaniac who argued for hybrid cars. When I suggested hiking boots or sketchers and organized neighborhood shopping trips (circa 1900) instead, it was suggested that I was some sort of fascist. Interesting." -- Dave Vincent
"If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you." ó- Groucho Marx
Greatness is defined by what you are, not by what something else is or isnít.
"You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality." -ó Ayn Rand
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
"The SR-71 has a fearful symmetry. The H-1 is an art deco dream that flew." -- John Nowak
The devil is camped out in those details. Strike that, he's not camped out, he has put a down payment on a condo.
"We don't have a monopoly, we have market share. There's a difference." -- Steve Ballmer
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive (The damn thing blew up).
The dog looks at our
Lovely opposable thumbs
And curses Darwin.
Pournelle's Iron Law of Bureaucracy states that in any bureaucratic organization there will be two kinds of people: those who work to further the actual goals of the organization, and those who work for the organization itself. Examples in education would be teachers who work and sacrifice to teach children, vs. union representative who work to protect any teacher including the most incompetent. The Iron Law states that in all cases, the second type of person will always gain control of the organization, and will always write the rules under which the organization functions.
"When I die,I hope to go to Heaven, whatever the Hell that is." -- Ayn Rand
"You take an eye, I'll take your motherfucking head." -- Ganster Rapper MC Hawking, "All My Shootings Be Drivebys"
"Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice."
"I am not only in touch with my inner child, he and I are best of friends and frequent playmates."
Note to vegans, my food shits on your food.
"Given the same amount of intelligence, timidity will do a tousand times more damage than audacity" -- Karl von Clausewitz
"Harry Potter is about doing what's right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend." -- Stephen King
"If you think itís a vice to make a profit, then you should think itís a virtue to make a loss, in which case itís time to question your premises and locate your marbles." -- Lawrence W. Reed
Do not underestimate the power of that which already is.
"You donít have to be religious to have a soul; everybody has one. You donít have to be religious to perfect your soul; I have found saintliness in avowed atheists." -- Rabbi Harold S. Kushner
"Many who don't see themselves as 'creative' have simply never been out of toilet paper, tissues, paper towels, and dignity at the same time." -- Merlin Mann
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
"Mama always said that you have to put the past behind you before you can move on." -- Forrest Gump
"Meatetarian - It's a personal Choice."
Correllation does not equal causation
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
"Certainly, in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful." -- Ian Faith, Spinal Tap
It's never a bad idea to take a profit.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.
Being vague is almost as fun as this other thing I like to do
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
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