Signature Quotes: What's left over. Part II

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These are my collection of sig quotes, collected from years of crawling about the Internet. Share and Enjoy...

Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. 
Grep this Canter & Seigle: Green Card Scam Spam Don't Do It Just Say No.
Guppy Rules of Life: If it's smaller than you, eat it. If it's larger than you, swim away from it.. If it's the same size as you, mate with it.
"We have tamed lightning - and now use it to make sand think" 
"Not a bad planet, as a matter of fact - practicing law for money there will earn you public impalement." 
Certe, Toto, sentio nos in Kansate non iam adesse. 
"Get off the cross, we need the wood." - Tori Amos 
"Gee, but I'd like to be a G-Man / And go Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Just like Dick Tracy, what a "he-man" / And go Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
I'd do as I please, act high-handed and regal
'Cause when you're a G-Man there's nothing illegal."
-- Harold Rome, from "The G-Man Song",1937 
I look upon the judgement of right and wrong as the serpentine dance of a dragon, and the rise and fall of beliefs as but traces left by four seasons. - Siddharta Gautama Buddha - 
D.A.M.N. Naked Mothers Against Dyslexia 
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got! 
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 
There's too much blood in my caffeine system. 
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. 
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. 
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. 
"Reminds me of a story my grandfather had. His friend had an old Victrola and one record, a 78 of The Beer Barrel Polka. They listened to it so many times they wore out the grooves, listened to it endlessly, every day, forever. They put Vaseline on it, and the player stayed in the grooves, and it still worked. Those nutty kids." (donovan) 
You're not outnumbered; you're just in a target-rich environment. 
"Unarmed people make good corpses." Pol Pot 
"Let he who is with out a sword, let him sell his coat and buy one." Luke 22:36. 
"I told you once,
I've told you twice,
I've said it to you three times,
and what I tell you three times is true."
Lewis Carrol, the Hunting of the Snark. 
...A drawn sword, a falcon's flight, a stalwart horse, a lovely Lady....Any man who finds no pleasure in these things does not have the spirit of Chivalry... 
Political correctness = the replacement of historical biasses in the language by new ones that are more suitable for the speaker's purposes 
A Smith & Wesson may beat 4 aces, but a 12 Gauge SPAS-12 beats a Smith & Wesson any day of the week. 
"Yet she increased her harlotry, remembering the days of her youth when she played the harlot in the Land of Egypt and doted upon her paramours there whose members were like those of asses, and whose issue was like that of horses." -- Ezekiel 23:19,20
"There is no reason for anyone in this country, for anyone except a police officer or a military person, to buy, to own, to have, to use, a handgun...." --Michel Gartner, NBC News president, USA Today, 1/16/92 
Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward. 
"We were Lawless people, but we were on pretty good terms with the Great Spirit." -- Tatanga Mani, Walking Buffalo 
"A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity" *FREUD* General Introduction to Psychoanlysis (1952) 
Absolutely no trees were killed to produce this sig. Well, OK, we had to tie one up and torture it. So. However, this is not the only sig I have. My other one is even more important. It's name is P226. 
A young couple having an argument over what measures to take against burglaries in the neighborhood. He wants a revolver; she a pitbull. The argument contines: revolver!, pitbull!; revolver!, pitbull! They finally compromised and got a feminist. (Attributed to a young comedian) 
"The only thing cooler than bands that get lots of chicks are bands that scare chicks." -Beavis 
"Gravity is a harsh mistress." - The Tick 
Error reading from device Brain - (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a Beer? 
You have a choice, you can spend your life drinking, gambling and fornicating, or you can waste it like everyone else! 
"There are two types of people in the world, and I'm one of them." 
"When all else fails, complicate matters." 
"Violence is the first refuge of the violent." 
"The way to a man's heart is through his chest." 
"Where can I get some tat? I'd like to trade it in." 
"The principle of Sturgeon's Razor states that the simplest answer to any problem is 90% crap." 
"I really can't complain about actresses who get paid to be dumb. Most of us can't get paid to be smart." 
"Lawyers are the first refuge of the incompetent." 
"Life is like an analogy." 
M-16 AK-47 Heroin LSD Cocaine Marijuana Grenades TNT Bomb Thermonuclear Uranium-235 RU-486 Data Encryption Security PGP Conspiracy Censorship JFK Clipper Chip Import Export Airport Spooks DIA CIA NSA FBI Secret Service FDA Brave New World Order Alien Keyword Filtering Software haha fooled you 
Rule #76 of the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition: "Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies." 
Peasant: "What are you doing about the war on poverty ?"
King: "Nothing. Its over, and you lost" 
Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: I think so Brain, but I don't think that they can make cheeseburgers out of Toilet Paper
Brain: Be quiet, Pinky, or I shall have to hurt you.
Pinky: Narf! 
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me." 
"Ask the Koreans or the Chinese their opinion about the peace-loving Japanese." -- Robert Plamondon 
This message has been brought to you by the Commitee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation into Society. 
"The problem with evolution is that humans with undesirable traits reproduce before said traits catch up with them. That's why we still have people who ride motorcycles without helmets, Cyberpromo, Inc. and Bill Clinton." 
Entropy Engineering: A deliberate, methodical, method of performing precision work in as chaotic and reckless a manner as possible, with regard neither to the consequences nor to one's own personal safety, sanity, prestige, or financial security. 
"If you don't agree with me, that's proves my point." -- Joji Suzuki [
"It's sometimes good to stand downwind from people... may stink, but at least it's the real thing." -- Peter O'Toole, "The Ruling Class"
People are impossible. I should know; I'm one of them. 
C-C-W: BECAUSE 9-1-1 IS OFTEN 2-2-L8. 
"Some said it was fur that took them west, and some said it was gold or land; but in the last analysis it was the West that took them west...They were men of violence all, strong men of strong emotion, men who lived with strength and skill. Ulysses could have marched beside Jedediah Smith, Crockett could have stormed the walls of Troy. Either would have been at home among the crews of Drake, Hawkins, or Frobisher." --Louis L'Amour 
Humanity pumps 53.4 billion liters of blood per minute, but that red river is not surprising; it must flow to sustain life. At the same time, humanity's male organs eject fourty-three tons of semen. -- Stanislaw Lem in 'One Human Minute' 
Any attempt to delete or censor this message before normal expiration shall constitute a violation of my civil rights and is punishable by federal law. 
I delete flames before reading, and I keep an active killfile. If you don't hear from me, your system is okay, I just have you set for ignore... 
And so, we find that science is a two-headed beast. One head is nice. It brings us aspirin, and other modern conveniences. But the other head is EVIL. OH BEWARE THE OTHER HEAD OF SCIENCE, ARTHUR! IT BITES! --the TICK 
"As far as I'm concerned, we didn't move into politics; Janet Reno moved into art.... All of a sudden, we have this nut for an AG who's saying stuff that liberals seem to think is compassion and conservatives seem to think is common sense." -- Penn Jillette, _Reason_ interview April 1994 
Got mole problems? Call Avagadro: 6.02 x 10­23. 
"Kokoro wa hanatan koto wo yosu" (Always be prepared to let go of your thoughts) 
Society in every state is a blessing, but government even in its best state is but a necessary evil; in its worst state an intolerable one - Thomas Payne, Common Sense 
"The main product of a research laboratory is ideas". Butler Lampson...... Palo Alto Research Centre (PARC) 
"De l'audace, de l'audace, toujours de l'audace." -- Napoleon 
"Where blind and naked Ignorance Delivers brawling judgments, unashamed, On all things all day long." --Tennyson
Ha'-hmmm. Maybe this verse could be a sort of USENET motto. 
You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm. -- Collette 
"The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong - but thats the way to bet." -- Damon Runyon 
"In the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, it's often useful to have a nice, solid piece of wood in your hands." -- Ian Faith, _Spinal Tap_ 
"Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty." -- Groucho Marx, "Monkey Business" 
"There are three side effects of acid. Enchanced long term memory, decreased short term memory, and I forget the third." -- Timothy Leary 
"Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk." 
"You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff." -- Groucho Marx 
The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emporer of Siberia" or "Director of Corporate Planning". 
the sand remembers
once there was beach and sunshine
but chip is warm too
-- Damon Koronakos and Brian Roberts: HI-TECH HAIKUS 
oh no godzilla
guns and planes cannot stop him
tokyo is ablaze
-- Damon Koronakos and Brian Roberts: HI-TECH HAIKUS 
samurai fighter
keyboard and mouse are his sword
digital battles
-- Damon Koronakos and Brian Roberts: HI-TECH HAIKUS 
"When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before." -- Mae West 
"Our strength is often composed of the weakness we're damned if we're going to show." -- Mignon McLaughlin 
Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training. -- Anna Freud 
"The more fundamental the truth, the more politically incorrect is the expression thereof." -- G. Gordon Liddy 
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a great deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. -- Lewis Carroll 
"There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network." -- Guy Almes 
"Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be waiting for us in our graves--or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth." -- Ayn Rand 
"It's possible to fight intolerance, stupidity, and fanaticism when they come separately. When you get all three together it's probably wiser to get out, if only to preserve one's sanity." -- Adam Dalgliesh 
"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it." -- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe 
The beauty of mechanical problems is that they are often visible to the naked and untrained eye. If white smoke is rising from a disk drive, that is probably where the problem lies (unless your disk drive has just elected the new Pope). - John Bear, Computer Wimp 
"We are filled with a longing for the wild. There are few culturally sanctioned antidotes for this yearning. We are taught to feel shame for such a desire. We grew our hair long and used it to hide our feelings. But the shadow of Wild Woman still lurks behind us during our days and our nights. No matter where we are, the shadow that trots behind us is definitely four-footed. -- Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D. 
I don't want the cheese, I just want to get out of the trap. -- Spanish Proverb 
Vi Veri Veneversum Vivus Vici. Ave Atque Vale.
(Talent is a flame, genius a fire.) 
"Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do, and they will surprise you with their ingenuity." -- General George S. Patton 
Knowing others is wisdom; Knowing the self is enlightenment; Mastering others requires force; Mastering the self needs strength. -- Tao te Ching 
Be sure to keep busy, so the devil may always find you occupied. -- Flavius Vegetius Renatus 
Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing in the tempting place. -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) 
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. -- Bertrand Russell 
As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. -- Hagar the Horrible 
I need a woman 'bout twice my age
A lady of nobility, gentility and rage
Splendor in the dark, lightning on the draw
We'll go right through the book and break each and every law. 
"You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance..." --- Edward Flaherty 
"The Business Services Leadership Team will enhance the organization in order to continue on the journey toward a Market Facing Organization (MFO) model. To that end, we are consolidating the Object Management for Business Services into a cross strata team." 
He who sacrifices his conscience to ambition burns a picture to obtain the ashes. -- Chinese Proverb 
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 
"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." - Howard Aiken 
"Please note that it does not constitute an "answer in writing" to your requests, simply a transcription of verbal replies to your questions." 
"They're not heavily armed jackbooted thugs... they're heavily armed jackbooted clowns. They should issue these guys clown noses, rainbow wigs and big red floppy shoes." -- a friend commenting on the BATF 
Definition: LUCK : Where preparation meets opportunity 
"Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) 
"Physicians pour drugs of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, into humans of which they know nothing." -- Voltaire 
"Casual drug users should be taken out and shot" -- Daryl Gates, founder of D.A.R.E. 
"The difference between theory and practice is a lot bigger in practice than in theory." -- Peter Van Der Linden. 
"Driving a Hudson Hornet on the disinformation triple bypass: cruising for burgers & garage sales. Hooks baited, lines entangled, roadkill cooked" 
"I suppose I can understand the utterly impenetrable ignorance; it's the pride in it that passes me by." J. Glass on Jite 
"My sister tends to think the end justifies the means; But then she gets so wrapped up in the means, she forgets what the end was!" - Kosuke Fujishima's "Oh my Goddess" [Japanese Manga] 
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of radiation, temperature, and pressure -- the organism will do whatever it damned well pleases... 
In the good old days of Zen training, it was traditional to thwack the student in the head with a stick when he said something like that. - Michael Robinson 
I tell ya, I could still beat somebody up pretty well with a plowshare... 
"It's not easy to cut through a human head with a hacksaw." - Michael Crichton 
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, and you drive up the price of bait & tackle and disrupt the local ecosystem. 
From this week's "News of the Weird" column, Chuck Shepherd writes as his lead story:
"In a May column, film critic Roger Ebert reported on the popular Japanese animated film Pompoko, which features a family of cute badgerlike animals, but said that the film would likely not be successful in America. The badgers' secret weapon is an ability to make their testicles grow large enough to crush opponents. Said a Japanese film fan, 'The Japanese are more open about bodily parts.' He said kids in Japan find the secret weapon 'hilarious'." (Rack Jite) writes:
>Gosh... Gee... Which brand of enlightened open-minded tolerant flavor
>are you, Looneytarian or Conservanazi?
Pot. Kettle. Black. 
I am not humble. There, I said it. They're MY opinions, dammit, and I mean them. They may be wrong, and they may change, but they're mine! 
"I shall not do anything to compromise my integrity, but I would do anything for a buck" - Joe Bob Briggs 
"This is the 90s. You don't practice non-monogamy, you practice polyfidelity." -- "Rhymes with Orange", by Hilary B. Price. (7/25/95) 
Ultimate trendy science paper: "Chaotic fuzzy neural wavelet genetic multigrid model of greenhouse warming" 
"The propagandist's purpose is to make one set of people forget that certain other sets of people are human." -- Aldus Huxley 1937 
"If Love is a matter of Chemistry, then Sex is a matter of Physics" 
"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage." -- Woody Allen 
[In the context of quantum mechanics] "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." -- Albert Einstein 
If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" 
"Some mornings it's not worth chewing through the leather straps." - Emo Phillips 
"History is the story of the life of societies; geography is the study of what they evolved in." 
"The defensive firearm is a special-purpose piece of safety rescue equipment, designed to extricate a person... from the immediate threat of savagely violent crime. It is like the fire extinguisher.... Neither piece of equipment will do you any good if you don't know how to use it or are not psychologically prepared to face danger with that gear in your trained hands in a terror situation." -- Massad Ayoob, Handgun Primer 
Owning a handgun doesn't make you armed any more than owning a guitar makes you a musician." -- Col. Jeff Cooper 
"I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the sort of person I'm preaching to." - J.R. "Bob" Dobbs 
"When a strong man armed keepeth his palace, his goods are in peace." --Luke ch.11 v.21-22 (King James translation, 1611 AD) 
"He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment and buy one." --Luke ch.22 v.36 (King James translation, 1611 AD), Jesus speaks to his disciples concerning self-defense. 
"I do not like this word 'bomb.' It is not a bomb, it is a device which is exploding." - Jacques Le Blanc, French ambassador to New Zealand 
"Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the feld which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?
And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: 
But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil."
Genesis 3:1-5 
What ARE you doing with that rivet gun?
You'll shake free all the snot and bailing wire! 
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides, by the inequities of the selfish, and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed are those, who in the name of charity and justice, shepherd the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brothers keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance, and furious anger those who attempt to poison my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord, when I lay my vengeance upon thee. - (Ezekial 25:17
"Where one burns books there one, eventually, burns people." Henich - German Jewish Poet - 1890 
Standard Disclaimer: Not only do I speak for No one else, I don't even Speak for me. All my personalities and the spirits that I channel disavow all knowledge of my activities. In fact, all my personalities and channeled spirits hate my guts. (Well, maybe with garlic & butter...) 
For law enforcment officials monitoring the net: marijuana, cocaine, cia, plutonium, ammonium nitrate, Mena, militia, dea, nsa, pgp, hacker, assassinate. 
"Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!!" - Homer Simpson 
"Vini vidi eravi " (Translate from the Latin "I came, I saw, I goofed") 
"Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn." 
"Television- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done." -- Ernie Kovacs 
"Love is like pi -- natural, irrational, and VERY important." --Lisa Hoffmann 
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. -- Woody Allen, on the KKK 
"Whose religion is this?"
"It's not a religion, it's a cult."
"Whose cult is this?"
"It's Hubbard's cult, baby."
"Who's Hubbard?"
"Hubbard's dead, baby. Hubbard's dead." 
"Yeah, too bad there aren't really witches. Too many televangelists in the world, not enough frogs." -"What's a Girl Gotta Do?" by Sparkle Hayter
"It is very unpleasent to hear one's gynecologist referred to as a priapic, lying woman-hating hetrosexual." -- Nice Girls Finish Last by Sparkle Hayter 
We come into this world wet,naked and screaming.
If we live correctly this doesn't have to change. 
"Perhaps you have allowed your remorseless editorial antipathy towards firearms to overshadow your journalistic integrity." -- C. D. Tavares 
A friend of mine was telling me that, according to the Aztecs, the end of the world is scheduled for December 24th, 2012. "It's marked on their calendar!" he explained.
"Why?" I asked, "Is it a holiday?" 
"Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth;
I did not come to bring peace, but a sword." -- Matthew 10:34 
"Don't think of it as being outnumbered, pessimist:
Think of it as a wide target choice, instead" 
Let's see... ball, powder, patch, and then primer.. NO! WAIT! ... 
The opinions represented herein are the sole responsibility of the proclaimer, and should not be interpreted as dogma, doctrine philosophy, or anything else other than blabber. However, if you REALLY like it, then gimme a dollar! 
"Mr. Bell, after careful consideration of your invention, while it is a very interesting novelty, we have come to the conclusion that it has no commercial possibilities." --- J.P. Morgan to Alexander G. Bell 
"The Earth is degenerating today. Bribery and corruption abound. Children no longer obey their parents, every man wants to write a book, and it is evident that the end of the world is fast approaching." - Assyrian Tablet, c.2800 BC 
"A fool must learn by his own experience.
I prefer to learn by the experience of others."
- Otto von Bismarck 
"Of course I've been in bed with several women at once. I'm a rock star, after all." - Sting 
concordia discors - Harmony in discord 
credo quia absurdum est - I believe it because it is absurd. 
Of course truth is stranger than fiction, fiction has to make sense 
There are Three types of people in this world:
1) There are the, "Glass is half full" people.
2) There are the, "Glass is half-empty" people. and then there are the
3) Who the hell's been drinking out of my glass!" people. 
"Before Elvis, there was nothing." - John Lennon 
Divide et impera 
There is no such thing as a free variable 
Eschew obfuscation 
Entropy ain't what it used to be 
Heisenberg may have been here 
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 
The meek shall inherit the Earth, if that's all right with you 
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. 
American Non Sequitur Society - "We may not make sense, but we do like pizza" 
I'm sorry Dave - an error has occurred in module PodBayDoor::Open
Quit all programs, and then restart your mission. 
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James 
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -- Paul Beatty 
Anti-Anthropomorphists of the world unite!
We have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity. 
My doctor told me I was paranoid... well he didn't actually *say* that, but I could tell he was thinking it." 
There are three types of people in the world.
Those who can count, and those who can't. 
There was something fishy about the butler. I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale. -- Nick Danger, Third Eye 
The difference between theory and practice is a lot bigger in practice than in theory. 
Football incorporates the two worst characteristics of American society. Violence punctuated by committee meetings. -- George Will 
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." -- Woody Allen 
"My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed." -- Christopher Morley 
"I file things in historical order, with a hashing algorithm of gravity" 
"That's our advantage at Microsoft; we set the standards and we can change them." -- Karen Hargrove, Microsoft (quoted in the Feb 1993 Unix Review editorial) 
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. 
"I'm in a phone booth at the corner of walk and don't walk" 
"Eggplant tastes like eggplant, but meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty ****ing good. Besides, we can't get away from eating meat, 'cause NOT eating meat is a choice; eating meat is an INSTINCT." -- Denis Leary 
And, isn't sanity really just a one trick pony anyway? I mean, all you get is one trick: rational thinking. But when you're good and crazy, ooo hoo hoo, the sky's the limit! - The Tick 
Calling Rodney King a "motorist," is like calling Jeffrey Dahmer a "Connoisseur of exotic foods." While both definitions are correct, neither comes close to the truth of the respective situations. 
Joan of Arc: the patron saint of welders 
Ferret: Chaos with fur, claws and an odd smell. 
I rarely argue with mischievous carnivores. 
Life is too short to drink cheap whiskey! Try the single malts. 
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. 
Paranoids are people too. They have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. 
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. 
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will NOT be evenly distributed. 
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 
Money can't buy happiness... but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 
Deja Moo: the feeling that you've heard this bullshit before. 
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're ok... 
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 
"Never mind their Achilles' heel, have you discovered their weakness yet?" - Gerry Atric, "Candid Kitty", Samurai Pizza Cats 
"Profanity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers." -- 
Familiarity breeds contempt. People assume I am familiar with everything 
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey 
Police in Uganda are searching for a man who tranquilizes gorillas, then dresses them in in clown outfits. -- News of the Weird 
Have you noticed that almost all great inventions are the direct result of three causes:
  1. trying to get around some stupid rule
  2. trying to avoid any real work
  3. trying to avoid paying for something

"I am gross and perverted, I'm obsessed and deranged.
I have existed for years, but very little has changed.
I'm the tool of the government, and industry too.
For I am destined to rule, and regulate you.
I may be vile and pernicious, but you can't look away.
I make you think I'm delicious, with the stuff that I say.
I'm the best you can get, have you guessed me, yet?
I'm the slime oozin' out from your TV set"

"I'm The Slime" quote from Frank Zappa's 1973 release "Overnight Sensation

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. -George Bernard Shaw
God gave us two ends. One to sit on and one to think with. Success depends on which one you use; heads you win-tails yo lose. 
If Jesus was Jewish, why does he have a Mexican name? 
How do you know Jesus was Jewish:
  1. he didn't leave home until he was 33
  2. he went into his father's business
  3. his mother thought he was God

"The old dreams were good dreams. They didn't work out, but I'm glad I had them." -- The Bridges of Madison County
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students.
Onto to Part 3
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