Signature Quotes: What's left over

These are my collection of sig quotes, collected from years of crawling about the Internet. Share and Enjoy...

"Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether." - Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
"You wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple, and danced naked upon a harpsichord, singing, 'Subtle Plans are Here Again'." - Edmund Blackadder
"When I was young we didn't have MTV; we had to take drugs and go to concerts." - Steven Pearl
"You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained."
Q: What did the Zen Buddist say to the hot dog Vendor?
A: "Make me one with everthing." 
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. 
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." -- Woody Allen 
Save the Whales. Collect the whole set. 
Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
What? you don't get it?? Then I guess surrealism isn't your cup of fur. 
Where am I going and what am I doing in this handbasket? 
"I think...I think it's in my basement. Let me go upstairs and check" -- Escher. 
Amicule, deliciae, num is sum qui mentiar tibi? 
Balaenae nobie conservandae sunt 
"When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." -- Sherlock Holmes 
Hanlon's Razor: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity" 
Reporter (to Mahatma Ghandi): "What do you think of Western Civilization?
Ghandi: I think it would be a good idea. 
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." -- Lily Tomlin 
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. -- Publilius Cyrus 
Everyone talks about apath, but nobody does anything about it. 
A closed mouth gathers no foot. 
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. 
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. 
"A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism." from 'Contact' by Carl Sagan 
"Problems that remain persistently insolvable should always be suspected as questions asked in the wrong way." -- Alan Watts 
"I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after the IRS." -Robert Bakker, paleontologist 
Through a bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner. You seriously consider the job because it gives you:
  1. Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches.
  2. Lots of gold fillings and bridges.
  3. Free blood.
  4. A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at all stuffy about what happens to their genitalia.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the weaponry to make the difference. 
We need more nukes so we can deal with Russia in a Christian manner. -- J.B. Briggs 
The above opinions are those of a high strung, heavily armed, caffiene dependent semi-psyco going through nicotine withdrawls. If you got a problem with them, see me in person, leave my employer out of it. --Daniel Frechette 
"As for me, I'm going back into the closet, where women are women, and men are empty overcoats!" -- Groucho Marx, "Monkey Business" 
"The secret of the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment of existence is: To live dangerously!" -- Nietzsche 
"The first thing we do, lets kill all the lawyers." - Richard II, Act III, Scene 2 
The FBI has determined that less than .1 of 1% of all murders are committed with self-loading rifles that look like military rifles. 
Help! Somebody slapped a "stop payment" on my sanity check! 
Can't you feel them circling, honey? Can't you feel 'em schooling around? You've got fins to the left, fins to the right, and you're the only bait in town. -- Fins, Jimmy Buffett 
"Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL." -- Mae West 
"Guns deserve a place with all that's good..." -- George Washington 
Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, and they'll call you crazy. -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" 
'The key is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made' 
Mairzy doats and dozy doats and little lambzy divy.
A kiddly divy, too, wooden shoe?
If the words sound queer, and funny to your ear, a little bit jumbled and jivy:
Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy.
A kid'll eat ivy, too, wouldn't you? 
"You bust throught the door and create a diversion. They all turn and aim at you. You try to sweet talk them out of blowing your brains out, while I sneak around back, bust in, and *really* surprise 'em." 
"Don't dial 911; Dial M1911A and let it ring seven times." -- sybok@athena.MIT.EDU (The Terminator) 
Jesus saves sinners...and redeems them for valuable cash prizes! 
"In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they would actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time someting like that happened in politics or religion." -- Carl Sagan 1987 CSICOP Keynote Address 
"But a machine that was powerful enough to accelerate particles to the grand unification energy would have to be as big as the Solar System -- and would be unlikely to be funded in the present economic climate." -- Stephen Hawking 
"Oh My God, He's got a cane!" -radio statement of two police officers assaulting a blind man. They thought his collapsible cane was an illegal martial arts weapon. One of the officers was injured after the blind man, thinking he was being mugged, fought back. 
GILLETTE'S PRINCIPLE: "If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make them absolutely livid with rage, tell the truth." 
"Victory in war does not depend entirely on numbers or courage; only skill and discipline will ensure it." -- Flavius Vegetius, AD 378 
Contact, a word, perhaps like no other that defines the dividing line between strategy and tactics. 
Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness 
I have pointed out some points you have not yet explained.
Therefore you are completely wrong.
Therefore I am completely right. QED 
"If my theory of relativity is proven sucessful, Germany will claim me as a German and France will declare that I am a citizen of the world."
"Should my theory prove untrue, France will say that I'm a German and Germany will declare that I am a Jew." -- Albert Einstein 
"A third theory [on the creation of the Earth] is the one offered by my old theological buddy Bobby Joe Dearing, who speculates that the world was originally created as a science fair project. "The problem," says Bobby Joe, "is that God made it the night before he had to turn it in, and he's probably going to get a 'D' on it." - John Anders, Dallas Morning News Columnist 
"There's really only one requirement for a Prophet, and you've got it."
"What's that?"
"A mouth." - 'God' to J.R.'BoB' Dobbs 
"Faith is a fine invention when Gentlemen can *see* -- But *Microscopes* are prudent In an Emergency." --Emily Dickinson 
Yes. We fuck. Often, and with great enjoyment of the act. We aren't married, we use birth control, we use interesting little toys on occasion. We moan like beasts in heat. Life is *great*. -- Bryant, ref. to Erin, on 
A suspect in Friday's armed robbery of a CIBC bank branch in London was still free late Sunday after bluffing his way out of the city police holding cells, posing as someone being held on a drunk charge. Meanwhile, a man who was held hostage and whose car was used as a getaway vehicle [for the robbery] was stuck with a $50 towing charge after police hauled it away to check for evidence. -- From the April 9, 1990, London (Ontario, Canada) Free Press 
IRS gets the boot: Is there justice in this world? Well, in Jacksonville, Fla., an Internal Revenue Service car parked outside the federal courthouse was "booted" for unpaid parking tickets, forcing tax collectors to fork over $122.50 to set it free. The IRS had to pay $95 for five tickets, a $25 removal fee plus $2.50 for processing to get the boot taken off, said Gertrude Bradley, clerical supervisor for the city parking division. With the tax-filing deadline closing in, courthouse employees were chuckling about the IRS' misfortune. But the agency was not amused. "We're not pleased with it," said spokesman Holger Euringer. Yeah, we're all really upset. -- Boston Globe, April 13, 1990 
"It is not now, nor was it ever the law, that before submitting to a lawful arrest, a fleeing felon is entitled to a fair fistfight." --Judge Carlos Bea 
"The paper has a right to determine what is proper for our readers." -- Mike Thayer, inside sales supervisor, Cleveland Plain Dealer 
"Witness Washington, D.C., where guns are outlawed and only outlaws have guns. Whose idea was that?" -- Colonel Jeff Cooper 
"At first they were excruciating. Then I discovered Wagner and everything changed. Now the more excruciating it is, the more I love it." -- Stewart Copeland on opera 
"It's useless to plan for the unexpected... by definition." -- A. Hichcock 
"We read with dismay that the newborn grandson of the Prime Minister of Australia is permanently addicted to heroin. What a world we live in!" -- Jeff Cooper 11/84 
"To me boxing is a lot like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other" --Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey 
"A lie is only a vice when it does harm. It is a great virtue when it does good. So be more virtuous than ever. You must lie like the devil, not timidly, not for a while, but boldly, and all the time." -- Voltaire, 1736 
"Careful Garth, marriage is a punishment for shoplifting in certain countries." -- Wayne's World 
"Talking with her is like masturbating with a cheese grater, slightly amusing, but mostly very painful." -- Ford Fairlane 
The opinions expressed here are not those of my employer, my wife, my church, or myself...But they are the opinions of Elvis as revealed to me through the medium of my pet hamster, Lee Harvey Oswald... 
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? 
In Theory, there is no difference between practice and theory. 
Macs are to computing what television is to journalism. 
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together...." -- Carl Zwanzig 
Philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. 
"When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him." -- R. A. Lafferty 
Teacher: "If you notice a leak in a factory's high pressure boiler, what steps should be taken?"
Student: "The boiler room ladder - two steps at a time!" 
A gentleman does things no gentleman should do in a way only a gentleman can. -- Luigi Banzini 
The desire of a man for a woman is not directed at her because she is a human being, but because she is a woman. That she is a human being is of no concern to him. -- Immanuel Kant 
"Behind every great man there is a surprised woman." -- Maryon Pearson 
If train stations are where trains stop, what are work stations? 
"She was a blonde. The kind of blonde that would make a bishop kick in a stained glass window." -- Raymond Chandler 
People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people. Drive only with proper protection. 
X-Spook-Fodder: CIA NSA FBI IRA Clinton uprise assassinate BATF DEA IRS KGB 
"A lot of stuff in school... you don't appreciate 'til you get to be older, you know, little things, like being spanked everyday by a middle aged woman... Stuff you'd pay good money for later in life." -- Emo Philips 
"...government social programs in the past 27 years have consumed enough money to have purchased the entire assets of the Fortune 500 companies and most of the farmland in the U.S." -- Walter Williams, an African-American economist at George Mason University 
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception" -- Julius Henry (Groucho) Marx 
"I'm dressed as a homicidal maniac--they look just like everyone else." --Wednesday Addams 
What a terrible thing to have lost one's .sig. Or not to have a .sig at all. How true that is. 
"Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world." -- Mary Shafer, NASA Ames Dryden 
"An honest newspaper publishes corrections on the front page. There are no honest newspapers." - Dr. Newton, Dean of Journalism, NAU. 
"What is it the Bible teaches us? - rapine, cruelty, and murder. What is it the Testament teaches us? - to believe that the Almighty committed debauchery with a woman engaged to be married, and the belief of this debauchery is called faith." -- Thomas Paine 
"It's always Beach Party Barbie, or Malibu Barbie...That shit doesn't prepare you for the true horror of a real woman's life. Where is Single, Abused, Trailer-Park Barbie?" -- Roseanne Arnold 
"Why the courts don't tell a husband who has been living off his wife to go out and get a job is beyond my comprehension." -- Joan Lunden 
"I don't like having landsmen aboard, they just don't seem to realize that throwing up into the wind isn't a good idea." -- Captain Kresca, from _The Seeress of Kell_ by David Eddings. 
"Trust Steel." -- Narrative from "Conan, the Barbarian." 
In a survey of Florida insurance commissioners in the mid 1980's, the commisioners ranked fraternities as the sixth worst insurance risk in the country. The fifth was nuclear waste. -- Daily Vidette, Illinois State University's student newspaper 
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease. 
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. 
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. -- Ben Franklin 
Elvis is dead, but at least he isn't gaining anymore weight. 
"Before enlightenment, one carries water and chops wood. After enlightenment, one carries water and chops wood." -- ZEN Proverb
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." A. Einstein 
Life is a mystery and it's an unsolvable one. You simply live it through, and, as you draw your last breath you say "What was that all about?" - Marlon Brando 
Technology is dominated by two types of people:
Those who understand what they do not manage.
Those who manage what they do not understand. -- Putt's Law 
   / \
  / @ \   "We don't exist."  The Reformed Bavarian
 /     \   Free Will Church of Illumination.

"The quality of the kite matters little. Success depends upon the man who sits in it." -- Baron Manfred Von Richthofen 
It was a typical net.exercise -- a screaming mob pounding on a greasy spot on the pavement, where used to lie the carcass of a dead horse. 
"A lot of times men do things they don't want to do so the women they are going out with will do things _they_ don't want do do." -- Tim Allen 
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." -- Hunter S. Thompson 
All undetectable errors will be treated as if no error occured. (IBM) 
Discord, the Goddess of the Net, was developing a taste for blood sacrifice. 
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. -- Dave Barry 
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797) 
"The plan was simple. Unfortunately, so was Bullwinkle." 
If something can go wrong, FIX it! (To hell with Murphy.) When in doubt, THINK! If you can't win, change the rules. If you can't change the rules, ignore them. The squeaky wheel gets canned. Do things by the book, but be the author. If you can't beat 'em, join'em then beat'em. Everything in your life is based on something else and in order to live a full life you must find what lies at the root of all else. For me, it's my self. 
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. --Nietzsche [or Matt Groening] 
"It is always the best policy to speak the truth--unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar." --Jerome K. Jerome 
"Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well." -- Samuel Butler 
"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened." -- Winston Churchill 
"Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 
Qui custodii ipso custodes? 
Time-Warner pulled a Country&Western song by Holly Dunn called, "When I Say No I Mean Maybe" because feminists complained that it promoted date rape, while they kept the song "Cop Killer" on sale saying it was Ice T's 1st Amendment right to promote the assassination of law enforcement officers. At Time-Warner, the 1st Amendment only protects Politically Correct Speech. 
"If you meet the Buddha on the net, put him in your kill file" -- Robert Firth 
"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats." -- H. L. Mencken 
While in the nurses office for a rash on her arm, Chelsea Clinton needed to obtain parential authorization before the attendent could apply ointment. When asked, Chelsea said, "you better call my dad! Mom is kinda busy these days." This is a true story. 
... Civilization is the progress toward a society of privacy. The savage's whole existence is public, ruled by the laws of his tribe. Civilization is the process of setting man free from men. ...'" -- Howard Roark _The Fountainhead_, Ayn Rand
"The church is near, but the road is icy; the tavern is far, but I'll walk carefully." -- Russian Proverb 
"Go before God with a pure heart; before the judge with a full purse." -- Russian Proverb 
"Sex without love is a hollow event."
"Yes, but as far as hollow events go ... it's not a bad one." -- Woody Allen, _Annie Hall_ 
"To you Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?" - The Black Adder 
Smith&Wesson -- The Ultimate "Point & Click" User interface. 
"Ideas are more powerful than guns. We would not let our enemies have guns, why should we let them have ideas." -- Joseph Stalin 
"They drive so crazy in Chicago that anything moving slower than 65mph is considered a house." -- J. Joshua 
"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!" 
Why get a Philosophy degree? It's more respectable than a theater degree, but you still get to drink lots of espresso. 
"We're a rock-and-roll band and we'll bring down the house the way Bill is going to bring down the country!" -- Roger Clinton
"Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment." --Rita Mae Brown 
"You have no inalienable rights" - Kevin Cameron ( 
"David Henry Hwang's BONDAGE is about an Asian male attaining his fantasy: being dominated and humilated by a Caucasian blonde. Sheer fantasy, of course; we all know in real life it's the other way around." -- Roger Tang, Artistic Director PC Theatre 
"I declare to you that woman must not depend upon the protection of man, but must be taught to protect herself, and there I take my stand." -- Susan B. Anthony, 1871 
"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that need more supervision."-- Lynn Lavner 
"The United Kindom is quickly becoming the world's mose surveillant society." -- Simon Davis, Director General of Privacy Internation, Boston Globe 9/7/93 
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
( Tr. "I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head." ) 
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

BATF -- Bad-Ass Thugs and Fascists. 
BATF -- Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Fascists. 
If the facts are against you, argue the law.
If the law is against you, argue the facts.
If both are against you, pound on the table. 
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 
The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. 
Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a social worker?
A: You can get your kid back from a pit bull. 
"It is criminal to teach a people not to defend themselves if they are the constant victoms of brutal assualt." -- Malcom X 
"Most armies are in fact run by their sergeants -- the officers are there just to give things a bit of tone and prevent warfare becoming a mere lower-class brawl." -- Terry Pratchett 
Hostes alienigeni me abduxerunt. Qui annus est?
The line above says "I was kidnapped by aliens. What year is it?" 
"Trust me" from a man is laughable; "Trust me" from a woman is the law. Birth control created the right of women to choose and the expectation of men to trust. Today, every man who puts a penis in a woman's body also puts his life in a woman's hand - Warren Farrell, Ph.D. _The Myth of Male Power_ 
"He had that rare weird electricity about him--that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving normally." --Hunter S. Thompson 
"As a human being, you have no choice about the fact that you need a philosophy. Your only choice is whether you define your philosophy by a conscious, rational, disciplined process of thought and scrupulously logical deliberation -- or let your subconscious accumulate a junk heap of unwarranted conclusions, false generalizations, undefined contradictions, undigested slogans, unidentified wishes, doubts and fears, thrown together by chance, but integrated by your subconscious into a kind of mongrel philosophy and fused into a single, solid weight: _self doubt_, like a ball and chain in the place where your mind's wings should have grown." -- Ayn Rand 
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 
"'s just a bunch of chimpanzees whacking each other down in the ghetto.." -- Liberal democrat H. Elliott ( on inner city violence. 
A rose by any other name would likely be "deadly thorn-bearing assault vegetation." 
"The terrorizing and murdering of black people by black people is deemed socially 'understandable.' We have come to expect less of blacks than even of white racists." -- Stanley Crouch, WSJ Nov 17, 1993 
"'There's no way to rule innocent men. The only power any government has is the power to crack down on criminals. When there aren't enough criminals, one MAKES them. One declares so many things to be a crime that it becomes impossible for men to live without breaking laws. ... Create a nation of law-breakers, and then you cash in on the guilt.'" -- Ayn Rand "Atlas Shrugged" 
"Some people are extremely dangerous even when they are armed with a spoon, others aren't capable of doing much damage even if they've got two baseball bats in their backpockets." 
"Prejudice is one of the most stupid things on earth because there are so many perfectly good reasons to dislike people on an individual basis" 
The Philosophers Song -Monty Python
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable
Haidegger, Hadidegger was a boozy begger who could think you under the table
David Hume could out-consume Whilhelm Fredrich Hegel
Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schiegel

There's nothing Niezchhe couldn't teach ya 'bout the rasing of the wrist
Socrates himself was permanently pissed
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, and half a pint of shanty was
        particularly ill
Plato they say, could stick it away, a half a crate of whiskey every day
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle
Hobbes was fond of his dram
And Rene Descarte was a drunken fart
"I drink therefore I am"

Yes, Socrates himelf is particularly missed
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!

Wanda: "Do you really speak Italian?"
Otto: "Absolutemente, Si. My name is Otto, it means eight!" 
"a "criminal" is not so much a criminal as a man in the state of nature,..." -- Frank Silbermann, Tuesday 04-05-1994 
"We had to shoot down those two choppers over Iraq. Janet Reno heard they were slapping babies around on them." 
"High on the ecstasy - medication against the pain.
Our bodies fit desperately together, like a needle against a vein." 
"If it were easy to understand they wouldn't call it 'code'." 
"It would seem mah hypocrisy knows no bounds." (Val Kilmer, as Doc Holiday, in Tombstone
"Q: What is the difference between the BATF and the Gestapo?"
"A: BATF agents speak English." 
"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please." -- Mark Twain 
(May the peace of the Lord always be with you) 
"Because this world has been arranged heretofore so that women could not act as individuals, it has been assumed that they neither wanted to nor ever could be." -- Amelia Earhart 
"Thoughtcrime was not a thing that could be concealed forever. You might dodge successfully for a while, even for years, but sooner or later they were bound to get you." -- George Orwell, Nineteen Eighty-Four 
"Sure it's senseless, but it's that kinda senseless that grabs you by the hair and drags you around for a couple hours..." -- Mike Murray on DOOM 
Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop. And, no matter what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course God loves you - He's just not ready to make a commitment. 
There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it again. 
If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is - there is no key to the Universe. The good news is - it has been left unlocked. 
"There's no studying, no scholarly thinking having to do with love, but there is a great deal of plotting, and secret touching, and nights you can't remember at all." --Rumi 
"The pride of the peacock is the glory of God.
The lust of the goat is the bounty of God.
The wrath of the lion is the wisdom of God.
The nakedness of woman is the work of God."
-William Blake, "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell" 
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler." -- Albert Einstein 
"A gentleman is someone who never gives offense unintentionally." --Oscar Wilde 
Si Non Oscillas Noli Tintinnare. => If you don't swing, don't ring.
This used to be on the door of the Playboy Mansion.
Before Hef got married... 
General sigs Part 2
Quotes collected from the net by Eclipse
Main Sig Quote Page