"It ain't the whiskey that makes you crazy. It's the pain you are trying to drown." -- It Ain't Love, Stacey Collins
"I always felt self-conscious as an actress because I'm tall. I see that it came over as haughtiness. I just don't have an actress's soul. I think mine has a dollar sign on it." -- Gail Patrick
"The best vacations are the ones you need to recover from."
Guns vs religion: Guns can make people religious. I bring out some of mine, and people say, "JESUS CHRIST!"
"Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity." -- Frank Leahy
"Top talent leave an organization when they are badly managed and the organization is confusing and uninspiring."
"Talent is absolutely luck, and no question that the most important thing in the world is courage. People worship talent and it ís so ridiculous. Talent is something you're born with, like Kareem [Abdul-Jabbar] is born tall. That's why so many talented people are shitheels." -- Woody Allen
It's not my job to blow sunshine up your ass.
I've finally figured out the exchange rates between America, Russia, and Britain. A pound of rubles equals a dollar.
"Once it hits the fan, the only thing to do is sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer." -- The Number of the Beast by Robert A. Heinlein
"I still love the people I've loved, even if I cross the street to avoid them." -- Uma Thurman
"Any sufficiently advanced parody is indistinguishable from a genuine kook." -- Alan Morgan
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." -- George Burns
"Nothing is free, and only the cheaper things can be bought with money."
"There is all the difference in the world between treating people equally and attempting to make them equal." -- F.A. Hayek
"The only thing that will be remembered about my enemies after they're dead is the nasty things I've said about them." -- Camille Paglia
"Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil and you're a thousand miles from the corn field." -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." -- Albert Einstein
"All methodologies are based on fear." -- Kent Beck
"Predictions are difficult - especially about the future." -- Niels Bohr
"Neccessity may be the mother of invention, but laziness is the father."
"An idealist is a person who helps other people to be prosperous." -- Henry Ford
"I smoke cigars. I text and drive. I eat red meat. I like Jesus, NASCAR, revolvers, and bi-curious sorority girls. Deal." -- Todd Kincannon
"A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika." -- Dorothy Parker
"Jason Biggs bleaches his asshole."
"Last thing you want to do is give an auditor a reason to dig deeper."
"How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?" -- Max Bialystock, "The Producers"
"Question: How does a large software project get to be one year late? Answer: One day at a time!" -- The Mythical Man-Month, by Fred Brooks
"I'm a Yoga instructor. All positions are available.
"Just as Charlie don't surf, zombies don't strategize. They smell fresh human flesh and they walk in that direction. If they hit a wall, they walk into the wall or maybe slide around it, gliding along their shoulder, like a drunk trying to find the back of the 7-11 to throw up. What they don't do is think about how to get where they need to go. They take the path of least resistance, but always head in the same direction." -- Jonah Goldberg
"Oro en paz, fierro en guerra" -- Gold in peace, iron in war.
"What doesn't kill us makes us drink stronger liquor."
"Christmas...the time of year where atheists can't stand anything to do with Jesus or Christmas but will happily take any wrapped gifts."
"It is hard to image a more stupid or more dangrous way of making decisions than putting those decisions in the hands of poeple who pay no price for being wrong." -- Thomas Sowell
"Any idiot can face a crisis -- it's day to day living that wears you out." -- Anton Chekhov
"Everybody pities the weak; jealousy you have to earn." -- Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Somebody said to me, 'But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.' That's a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, 'Now, let's write a swimming pool.'" -- Sir Paul McCartney
"Courtesy is as much a mark of a gentleman as courage." -- President Theodore Roosevelt
"Anything will burn with enough gasoline and dynamite."
"In a time of drastic change it is the learners who inherit the future." -- Eric Hoffer
"The interesting data points are the ones the scientists throw out."
"I usually give 80% at the start of a shift but this can drop as low as 65% just before lunch."
"The important thing is not to stop questioning." -- Albert Einstein
Caffeine and white boards produce ideas.
"Sometimes you just need to roll up your sleeves and take mindful action."
"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, not the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." -- Charles Darwin
"Relativity applies to physics, not ethics." -- Albert Einstein
"The Illuminati makes more sense than the Patriarchy."
"Don't draw your line in the sand in quicksand."
"Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn." -- C.S. Lewis
Veganism is a cult.
"What's with the female educators having intimate relations with underage students? When I was 16 my teacher wouldn't let me bang the erasers." -- Dennis Miller
"My brain is only a receiver, in the Universe there is a core from which we obtain knowledge, strength and inspiration. I have not penatrated into the secrets of this core, but I know that it exists." -- Nikola Tesla
"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."
"If a man jumps into a lion's den wearing a meat suit, we blame him, not the lion." -- The Z Blog, When Experiments Against Reality Go Wrong
"You have to be a dog to hear a dog whistle."
"When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser." -- Socrates
"For the snark was a boojum, you see."
"The difference between me and you is that I do good fiction." - Tom Clancy to the National Press Club in 1999.
"Amateurs train until they get it right; professionals train until they can't get it wrong. The point of all the practice, preparation, mental rehearsal, and study that I have been talking about is to prepare until you almost are incapable of making a mistake." -- Christopher Brennan
"There is a road paved with good intentions."
"Progress means getting nearer to the plce you want to be. And if you have taken a wrong turning, then to go foward does not get any nearer. If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man." -- C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
"Hate to break it to all you special snowflake babies, but no one really cares about your pan-demi-trans-bi-fluid-sexuality. Stop focusing on which rainbow flag to use and start trying to actually make something of yourself."
"Truth is a demure lady, much too ladylike to knock you on your head and drag you to her cave. She is there, but people must want her, and seek her out." -- William F. Buckley, Jr.
"Never forget what someone says to you when they are drunk - because drunk words are sober thoughts."
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
If you're not cheating, you're not trying. If you get caught, you're not trying hard enough.
"Polictical Correctness - a stupid idea supported by tiny minds who enjoy the power they get from making you feel guilty."
"The most formidable weapon against errors of every kind is reason." -- Thomas Paine, The Age of Reason
"Leges Sine Moribus Vanae" - Laws Without Morals Are in Vain
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather, because it's safer to harass rich women than biker gangs.
"It's dangerous to be right when the government is wrong." -- Voltaire
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
"Water boarding is how we baptize the terrorists."
"There ís no point stressing over thing you cannot change. Decide to let them go and move on with your life."
"Sticks and stones may break bones, but hollow points expand on impact."
"When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree by the river of truth, and tell the whole world, 'No, You Move.'" -- Captain America
"I still remember hippies. They always said "peace" and "love" but they were more of a destructive, petulant nuisance -- one that contributed nothing to the world, except a testimonial about how phony and wrong everything was. Everything they were incapable of doing, as always wrong. How coincidental!"
"The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one." -- Mark Twain
"'Cis' refers to anyone who isn't transsexual. AKA a normal human being. It's a slur against 99.999999999999% of humanity." -- Communismkills
"I touch myself whenever I think about you. More specifically, I rub my temples because I get a headache because you're awful."
Some things are worse than being single. Like dating a feminist harpy.
"Happiness is the best revenge, because nothing drives your enemies more insane than seeing you smiling and living a good life."
"Some people are so broken, They get mad at you for being whole."
"We're raising whole generations who regard facts as more or less optional... They're being taught that it's important to have views, and they're not being taught that it's important to know what you’re talking about" -- Thomas Sowell
In many of the "I need feminism's" you can replace "feminism" with "therapy" and it will be more sensible.
"4) Always Say Less than Necessary The more you say, the more common you appear, and the less in control. Powerful people impress and intimidate by saying less. The more you say, the more likely you are to say something foolish." -- Robert Greene - 48 Laws of Power
"Bother!", cried Pooh, slapping another magazine into his AK-47.
"Give a man secure possession of a bleak rock and he will turn it into a garden;
give him nine years lease of a garden and he will turn it into a desert." -- Arthur Young
"It's never too late to start over. If you weren't happy with yesterday try something different today. Don’t stay stuck." -- Alex Elle
"The ham is melting, the turkey is suspended in midair, the salami is hatching from its own egg. why did we even come to the salvador deli?"
"1 photo out of focus is a mistake, 10 photos out of focus are an experimentation, 100 photo out of focus is a style."
"Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind." -- Tedd Roberts
"He certainly seemed to have all the qualities of a gentleman, but the interesting kind who knows exactly when to stop acting like one." -- Gentleman's Essentials '
"The scientific man does not aim at an immediate result. He does not expect that his advanced ideas will be readily taken up. His work is like that of the planter — for the future. His duty is to lay the foundation for those who are to come, and point the way. He lives and labors and hopes." -- Nikola Tesla
"I'm fairly sure gluten free vegan pasta is called paste. And in kindergarten they told us not to eat it."
"It's called Karma, and it is pronounced,'Haha, fuck you!'"
"The world is full of bullshitters. The next time someone tells you "I don't know," please thank them for not bullshitting you."
"Quality, above all, is about care, people, passion, consistency, eyeball contact, and gut reaction. Quality is not technique, no matter how good."
"Bad books on writing tell you to 'WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW', a solemn and totally false adage that is the reason there exist so many mediocre novels about English professors contemplating adultery." -- Joe Haldeman
Weather does not equal climate change, unless it fits a global warming alarmist's agenda.
"In fact, when you think about it, expectations are the currency of trust. Overspend the former and you exhaust the latter." -- Jonah Goldberg
"In other news, bureaucracy is a little bitch."
"Too many books?" I believe the phrase you're looking for is "not enough bookshelves".
"If the universe is expanding, why in the Hell can't I find a parking space?"
"What is the simplest thing that will possibly work?"
"Rome wasn't built in a day, and without lots of slave labor."
"Pants up. Don't loot."
"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others and if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." -- The Dalai Lama
"Gun control laws don't die, people do."
Help stamp out, eliminate, and reduce redundancy.
"People shouldn't expect the mass media to do investigative stories. That job belongs to the 'fringe' media." -- Ted Koppel
"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." -- Woody Allen
"Just because I accept you as you are does not mean that I have given up all hope of your improvement." --Ashleigh Brilliant
You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
"There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure." -- Ross MacDonald
"Ohhh, revenge sex is cold, but sometimes cold and dirty is what you need." -- 21-year-old Meghan Bainum, sex columnist for the Daily Kansan at the University of Kansas
"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, it's just a tired feeling:"
"If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously,irrevocably wrong." -- Kinky Friedman
"If a kid calls his grandma 'mama' and his mama 'Pam,' he's going to jail." -- Chris Rock
Never confuse a bullshit detector for an attitude problem.
"I always imagined the reason little dogs are annoying is because they're psychotic. Imagine having instincts that scream 'I'm a wolf!!' and a body that screams 'I'm a ferret's scrawny brother!!'"
"I've found that nurturing one's Zen nature is vital to dealing with technology. Violence is pretty damn useful too."
In New York City, rats bite about 311 people in an average year. However, 1,519 residents are bitten annually by other New Yorkers.
"The Beauty is there, but the Beast is inside."
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
"I don't believe movies should deliver messages. After you've paid 10 bucks to see it - 15 bucks with popcorn - you just want to be entertained." -- Scarlett Johansson
"Best practice" tends to mean "works well enough you won't get fired for following the proceedure, and doesn't cost to much to implement."
"The only reason we let cats in the house is that we're a heck of a lot bigger than they are." -- John Nowak
"Human expansion into space will not be without cost, and that cost will be measured in units far more dear than dollars. The Oregon trail was lined with graves. Not all of our missions will be successful, for in enterprising the unknown, the possibilities for disasters abound. Progress was never without risk. The day may come when humanity no longer had a need for wars. But we will always have a need for heroes." -- Robert Zubrin, Entering Space.
Sometimes the worst part of being a tree is being chained to a hippy.
"Of course, you got to remember San Francisco is where you ask 40-year-old bachelors with roommates "what's up these days" and hear things like, 'I'm learning to play the zither.'" -- Will Durst
This is the difference between tolerance California-style and tolerance New England-style. In California, he said, you don't exactly get tolerated so much as getting style points for being the right kind of "different" -- meaning whatever's chic. In New England, on the other hand, people seemed more inclined to not care about the details of people's private lives -- moreover, to regard such things as none of their damn business.
"People who object to weapons aren't abolishing violence, they're begging for rule by brute force, where the biggest, strongest animals among men were always automatically 'right.' Guns ended that, and social democracy is a hollow farce without an armed populace to make it work." - L. Neil Smith, The Probability Broach
"The anger that appears to be building up between the sexes becomes more virulent with every day that passes. And far from women taking the blame, the fact is that men are invariably portrayed as the bad guys. Being a good man is like being a good Nazi." -- David Thomas (b. 1959)
"What did you do to the cat? It looks half-dead." -- Schroedinger's wife
"Having Six Sigma "black belt" is like having a varsity letter for riding the pine on the math team."
"It is pretty much expected that the Communist countries will cheat early and often."
"Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Personal weapons are what raised mankind out of the mud, and the rifle is the queen of personal weapons. The possession of a good rifle, as well as the skill to use it well, truly makes a man the monarch of all he surveys." -- Jeff Cooper, The Art of the Rifle
"Warm and Fuzzy are not part of the plan."
"What we learn from history is that no one learns from history." -- Otto von Bismarck
"The insurgents had a $50,000 bounty on my head. Every time Chris Kyle killed an insurgent he saved my family, and the innocent Iraqi families too. Why would a racist man protect me and innocent Iraqi families?" -- "Johnny Walker," an Iraqi (and a Muslim) who worked with Chris Kyle.
"Efficiency is doing things right; effectiveness is doing the right things." -- Peter F. Drucker
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -- Thomas A. Edison
"The secret of success is constancy of purpose." -- Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)
"The only free lunch is found in a mousetrap."
"I'm afraid I don't recognise "I'm offended" as an especially convincing argument."
"Captain Obvious! Defender of the Known!"
"I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul." -- Calvin
"Puns are the highest and most glorious form of humor, requiring a quick wit and broad knowledge."
"You know that feeling you get after vacation when you're just so happy to get back to reality? Me neither."
"Once is an accident. Twice is coincidence. Three times is an enemy action" -- Goldfinger by Ian Fleming
"Idiots abound to such an extent one has to pick and choose which ones to care about and which to ignore." -- John Ringo
"The objective of Science is to measure what is measurable, and make measurable what is not yet so." -- Galileo Galilei
"A swear jar is literally a jar of fucks given."
"The Earth is littered with the ruins of empires that believed they were eternal." -- Camille Paglia
"Cow tipping is a myth. Cattle rarely tip even when the service is good."
"They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise
"You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model the makes the existing model obsolete." -- R. Buckminster Fuller
"History doesn't repeat itself, but it often rhymes." -- Mark Twain
"Fooling most of the people most of the time is usually good enough."
"Feminism and Hard Science are antagonist by definition. The former is based upon postmodernism and the pseudocience of material historicism. The latter is based upon Critical Rationalism."
"We actually identify as an attack helicopter. Check your privilege."
"It never ever happened if you can't remember his name." Walk of Shame, Nikki Lane
"To win without risk is to triumph without glory."
"Karma can be a bitch...but schadenfreude makes so enjoyable when it comes to those who deserve it."
"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored." -- Aldous Huxley
"When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people." -- Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel
"Blue hair is the fedora for women."
"So many have used their oppression as an excuse for mediocrity." -- Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.
"They're called microagressions because you can't even see them. And the reason you can't see them is because they're not there." -- Milo Yiannopoulos
"I don't care that they stole my idea... I care that they don't have any of their own." -- Nikola Tesla
If you believe microagression is a real thing, you're a macropussy.
"...apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?" -- The Life of Brian
"I don't have Islamaphobia. I suffer from a rarer condition called, wanting to not have my head severed from my shoulders."
Social Justice Warrior: A gigantic, privileged toddler who feels they have the moral authority to ruin the fun for everybody else.
"The biggest concern for any organization should be when their most passionate people become quiet."
"I don't get why more people aren't scard of Medusa. She absolutely petrifies me."
"She smelled of alcohol and mistakes."
"Remember when I asked for your opinion? Yeah, me neither."
Notice: It's OK to print this email free of any "eco-guilt." Paper is a biodegradable, renewable, sustainable product made from trees. Growing and harvesting trees provides jobs for millions of Americans. Working forests are good for the environment and provide clean air and water, wildlife habitat and carbon storage. Thanks to improved forest management, we have more trees in America today than we had 100 years ago.
"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you." -- Oscar Wilde
"Instinct is something which transcends knowledge. We have, undoubtedly, certain finer fibers that enable us to perceive truths when logical deduction, or any other willful effort of the brain, is futile." -- Nikola Tesla
The Gina character on Brooklyn 99 is a pale imitation of the Beth character on News Radio.
"2% milk is a bunch of hippy crap."
"There are two sides to every story, then there is the truth."
"Before you grab the bull by the horns, be sure you know which way you want to move him."
"You smelled like desire, but tasted like regret."
"A paranoid-schizophrenic is a guy who just found out what's going on."
"Stanley Kubrick was hired to fake the moon landing, but his perfectionism made them film it on location on the moon."
"Space is infinte. Man's knowledge of space is finite. The sum of our understanding is not yet sufficient for us to comprehend how vast the dimensions of our ignorance." -- Lyndon B. Johnson
"Know the rules well so you can break them effectively."
"I studied the Koran a great deal. I came away from that study with the conviction there have been few religions in the world as deadly to men as Muhammed." -- Alexis de Tocqueville (1843)
"It is not good when ER nurses scamper."
"Except for the sanity, not much has been lost." -- Who's Problem, The Motels
"The most important thing to remember about Memphis, Tennessee is that it's in Mississippi." -- Steve Earle
"Where are we going in this handbasket?"
"Wil Wheaton is a worthless sack of shit."
"I'm not trying to undermine you, I'm genuinely trying to understand your reasoning." -- INTP problems
"Justice is a bitch and her stripper name is Karma."
"Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the m is silent."
"In the beginners's mind, there are many possibilities. In the expert's mind there are few." -- Shunryu Suzuki
"Be stubborn about your goals, but flexible about your methods."
"Austin is the Berkeley of Texas."
"Find you a girl who looks at you the way the American media looks at North Korea."
"For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you amoung cocktails. Pray for me now, at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen." -- Stirling Archer
"An AR-15 is actually a .22 with delusions of grandeur, that fires one bullet per trigger pull."
"Why can't life's problems hit us when we're 17 and know everything?"
"An intellectual is a person who is knowledgeable in one field but speaks out only in others." -- Tom Wolfe
"I cut corners so much that I go in circles."
"The Devil was in your eyes, but Heaven was in your kiss."
"The ineffable talent for finding patterns in chaos cannot do its thing unless he immerses himself in the chaos first. If they do contain patterns, he does not see them just now, in any rational way. But there may be some subrational part of his mind that can go to work..." -- Neal Stephenson, Cryptonomicon
"Ordinarily insane, but has had lucid moments of stupidity."
"I'm a paranoid agnostic. I believe in God, but I think he's avoiding me." -- Michael Graham
"I had my patience tested. It came back negative."
"Sell more stuff, to more people, more often, and at higher prices. There is no other reasons to do it." - Sergio Zyman
"If my dog makes you uncomfortable, I'll be happy you lock you up in the other room."
"I was there with Brian Williams when Greedo shot first."
"Leadership is not about being in charge. Leadership is about taking care of those in your charge." -- Simon Sinek
"I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal." -- Groucho Marx
Quotes collected from the net by Eclipse Main Sig Quote Page