"Human beings understand reason, compassion, dignity...Predators understand Strength."
"I'll pass on heroic economists. The term is a bit too much of an oxymoron for my tastes." -- Alan Bradley
"They didn't call him Erik Bloodaxe because he was good with children." -- National Geographic, May 2000
The Japanese frighten me sometimes, especially when you consider we used the Bomb on them twice and there doesn't seem to be any lasting effects!
"I wear black all the time, not because I'm an artist, but because I have very little fashion sense." -- Doug Berry
Yes, it is a moral theory. And it's based on religious thinking: the unprovable belief `if it feels good, it is good.'
I thought that was the explanation for 'Secular Hedonist'...
"Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed." -- G.K. Chesterton
"All men are fanboys. You need to stop being so prissy and learn how to benefit from it." -- MegaToyko
"It is not "home" if there is no beer." -- MegaTokyo
"It was not L33T. It deserved DE4TH." -- MegaToyko
"As convenient as it is for information to come to us, libraries do have a valuable side effect: they force all of the smart people to come together in one place where they can interact with one another." -- Neal Stephenson
"Like a butterfly blowing kisses of death."
"The French will always be There When They Need You!"
"Gemini involved being strapped onto a big bomb, and hoping the engineers got everything right and it blew up as planned. Apollo meant being strapped onto several really big bombs, and praying really hard that they all went off as planned. Then you have the Shuttle; this is where things got dangerous..." -- John Young (paraphrased)
"Getting hugged by a 600-lb gorilla is an.. interesting experience." -- Doug Berry
"Yes, but you see our report here says that you are an extremely dull person. Our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon." -- Monty Python's Flying Circus
It isn't so much the headache or the nausea that makes it miserable, he thought, it's the collapse of human civilization.
"Welcome to the Darwinian Gene Pool Preserve. Go ahead and lean over the safety rail as far as you like and hand-feed the carnivores." -- Wiley Miller
"His speeches left the impression of an army of pompous phrases moving over the landscape in search of an idea; sometimes these meandering words would actually capture a straggling thought and bear it triumphantly a prisoner in their midst, until it died of servitude and overwork." -- William G. McAdoo
"Even model Kate Moss took time out from her drug habit to really wrap her head around this war issue. Terrified that an attack on Iraq could lead to an attack on Colombia and dry up the supply, she is foursquare against the war. " -- Ann Coulter
"We English-speaking peoples should keep hold of the essential fact about foreign languages: They exist to make us laugh." -- John Derbyshire
"Many proscribed weapons and items are not accounted for." -- Hans Blix to the UN on Iraq, Feb. 14, 2003
"The communist countries had the worst environmental record in the world; the only saving grace was that they were so inefficient they couldn't do more damage." -- John Ringo
"As your attorney, I advise you not to listen to reason." -- Non-Sequitur by Willey Miller, February 16, 2003
CAUTION - UNOBTAINUM CAN DEGENERATE RAPIDLY AND UNEXPECTEDLY INTO COSTOVERUNIUM WHEN EXPOSED TO THE ENGINEERING STAFF!
"Watchin' Dan Rather do the news, he looks like he's making a hostage tape. They should have guys in ski masks and AK-47s just standing off to the side..." -- Don Imus, cited in Imus: America's Cowboy, 1999.
"Canada is like a loft apartment over a really qood party." -- Robin Williams
"France is a fifth-rate power acting like a first-rate power."
"Zen fascists will control you,
One hundred per cent natural,
You will jog for the master race
And always wear the happy face.
California, Uber Alles!!" -- The Dead Kennedys
"If There Ain't No Dogs In Heaven ... It Ain't Heaven!" -- Dennis the Menace
"History will remember the inhabitants of this century as the people who went from Kitty Hawk to the moon in 66 years, only to languish for the next 30 in low Earth orbit. At the core of the risk-free society is a self-indulgent failure of nerve." -- Buzz Aldrin, Apollo 11 astronaut
"A Frenchman's home is where another man's wife is. There is nothing lower than the human race except the French." -- Mark Twain
"SALAD -- That's not food, that's what food eats!"
"Ya know it's weird to me that most people don't even have an escape plan in case of a house fire and some think that CPR stands for Choke, Puke, and Retch."
"There are dark rumors that terrorists are being stripped, humiliated, strapped down and subjected to total sleep deprivation with lights and noise. Then it turned out the hapless victims of such brutal tactics weren't terrorists, but airline passengers since Sept. 11." -- Ann Coulter
"We have been reminded that France is not to be trusted at any time, on any issue," -- historian Paul Johnson
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." -- Marge Simpson
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." -- Mark Twain
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." -- Regis Philbin
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." -- David Letterman
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." -- Conan O'Brien
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" -- Jay Leno
"When questioning people who live in caves, government officials have to go pretty far just to deprive them of the comforts of home." -- Ann Coulter
"What doesn't kill you, Homer, makes an opening for payback." -- Non-Sequitur by Wiley Miller, March 16, 2003.
Canada's 4 seasons, of course, being Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.
"A Prince when among Lions must be the fox; When among foxes, he must be the Lion," -- Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince
"There's nothing like a dead body found in a pool of someone else's blood." -- Leslie Bates
"Anyone with half a brain must see that Saddam has to be taken out." -- Daniel Pepper, former "Human Shield"
"The Teamsters are helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo." -- Steve Martin
"The first misconception to correct about Michael Moore's The Big One is that it is a documentary. It's not. Moore doesn't make those. As was proven after the release of Moore's debut, Roger & Me, the director uses real people, places, and circumstances, then stages events (see Harlan Jacobson's piece in the November/ December 1989 Film Comment for more details). Reality a fragile commodity in any "fact-based" motion picture takes a back seat to what will play well on a movie screen. As a result, it's best to consider Moore's films as entries into the ever-growing category of pseudo (or "meta") documentaries. Or, perhaps even more accurately, view it as an exercise in self-publicity." -- James Berardinelli
Top government murderers of the 20th Century are: the former Soviet Union, who between 1917 and 1987 murdered 62 million of their own citizens, and the People's Republic of China, who between 1949 and 1987 murdered 35 million of its citizens. In a distant third place were the Nazis, who murdered about 21 million Jews, Slavs, Serbs, Czechs, Poles, Ukrainians and others deemed misfits such as homosexuals and the mentally ill.
"When God made me born a yankee he was teasin'" -- Indigo Girls - Southland In The Springtime
"I do believe that where there is a choice only between cowardice and violence I would advise violence." -- Mohandas Gandhi
"Davan can smell fear. I'm pretty sure he gets off on it too." -- Something Positive
"He is decadent and experienced to the correct degree." -- Tod Glenn
"There's a lot of differing data, but as far as I can gather, over the last hundred years the temperature on this planet has gone up 1.8 degrees. Am I the only one who finds that amazingly stable? I could go back to my hotel room tonight and futz with the thermostat for three to four hours. I could not detect that difference." -- Dennis Miller on Global Warming
"I would encourage the boys though not to rip down all those big wall portraits of Hussein because you got to remember, pretty soon we're going to need a headstone for my main man's grave and you might want to save one for him." -- Dennis Miller giving advice to US soldiers in Iraq.
"The British may be our ancestors, but the Australians are our first cousins" -- Sen. Lamar Alexander, Tennessee Republican
"Although you are introverted and somewhat reserved, you have a forceful personality that your friends appreciate and your enemies fear. God help them. God help all of us." -- The Judge
Righteous: The pretense of being right when in fact one is absolutely and totally wrong. To strike a pose of being right as opposed to simply being right. Example: "Whenever Leslie Bates describes someone, such as Alec Baldwin or Michael Moore, as a righteous dude, he is not using the word as a compliment." -- The New Devil's Dictionary
"Damn! I hate living in the Third World." -- John Nowak, shortly after moving to Paris, France.
"The Arch de Triomphe was raised in memory of those killed in the traffic circle that surrounds it." -- John Nowak
"I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
"If you work hard enough, you can drown most of your troubles in sweat." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf." -- George Orwell
"Tolerant, but not stupid! Look, just because you have to tolerate something doesn't mean you have to approve of it! ..."Tolerate" means you're just putting up with it! You tolerate a crying child sitting next to you on the airplane or, or you tolerate a bad cold. It can still piss you off!" -- Mr. Garrison, South Park
"The Iraqi people behaved considerably better than the French did after Americans liberated Paris. Thousands of Frenchmen were killed by other Frenchmen on allegations of collaboration with the Nazis. Subsequent scholarship has shown that charges of "collaboration" were often nothing more than a settling of personal grudges and family feuds.: -- Ann Coulter
"Abu Nidal was found shot to death last year in his Baghdad apartment. Police suspect fair play." -- Dennis Miller
"With the Dixie Chicks posing nude on a magazine cover to atone for their intemperate remarks, don't we wish that Shania Twain had opened her mouth instead?" -- Joel Engel
sardonic \sar-DON-ik\, adjective: Scornful, mocking; disdainfully humorous.
"Blair's record of inaccuracies, lies and distortions made him a candidate for either immediate dismissal or his own regular column on the [New York Times] op-ed page" -- Ann Coulter
"Saw a guy with a collapsing white cane and an SLR camera. What the hell...?" -- John Nowak on the streets of Paris.
"In America, it is not about where you are coming from, but where you are going." -- Dr. Condoleezza Rice
"Sometimes, sorrow has nowhere to go but into the souls of strangers" -- Jay Shadler
"There's nothing a reporter likes more than to have an effect on policy." -- Peter Jennings
"Were you born this rude or do you practice in front of a mirror every day?" -- Hans Henrik Rancke-Madsen
"Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently." -- Henry Ford
"Not to use technology because you cannot predict any and all bad effects would pretty much leave us just banging rocks together." -- Bruce Johnson
"Davan, super women have super boobies. Super boobies are a 'get out of fighting for good free' card in the monopoly game that is our lives." -- Aubrey Chorde, Something Positive, June 2, 2003
"As we face off in cultural conflict (by their choice, not ours), we may point out that we have walked on the moon, we have motored on Mars, we have landed before we took off, we have conquered small pox, and we wield the B2 . They offer only institutionalized malice. Certainly the West is imperfect, and there are many ways in which we can improve, but the Holy War they offer is a poor answer." -- LTC Jeff Cooper, USMC, Retired
"People are set to panic and over-react to anything and everything. It's why we invent stupid shit like 'Zero Tolerance' and 'Mandatory Sentencing'." -- Bruce Johnson
"YOU ARE NOT CLEARED FOR THIS SIGFILE."
"There's more pressure on a vet to get it right. People say 'It was God's will' when Granny dies, but they get angry when they lose a cow." -- Terry Pratchett
"A bit of fragrance always clings to the hand that gives the rose." - Chinese proverb
"Jenny Churchill, his mother, was the greatest influence in his life and she was from the States. Without that influence [Winston Churchhill] would have been a Brit poof." -- MichaelMoriarty
"This is the figurehead of Marie Antoinette's personal barge. Note that it corresponds to the immutable law of figureheads: females have to show at least one nipple. She looks a little nervous to me, but I'd probably look the same if I were holding a live lobster like that." -- John Nowak
"Flourescent nail color, frosted lipstick and blue eyeshadow is tacky if purchased in the Rite Aid, but is considered 'haute couture' if more than 100 dollars, an affected sales person, and fancy department store are involved in the purchase." -- Moxie
"The man is so nuts he has to hide from squirrels."
"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep." - Scott Adams
I have no sense of humor. I used to have one, but it got sick and died.
"Nude means ain't got no clothes on. Nekkid means ain't got no clothes on and you're up to something."
"I don't say we all ought to misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could."
A great place to meet new women is at a sex change clinic...
"Time stands still in the desert, which is strange because an hourglass is filled with sand." -- SPC Timothy Harber, 123rd MSB, US Army, Baghdad
"I know we've talked about how women are better than men on here. We smell better. We're softer to touch. We're better kissers. We have prettier hair. We are just much nicer to look at and play with than men. (I swear, I'm still straight. If 4 years at a chick school didn't change me, I'm not about to switch teams now that I'm in the coed world.)" -- Bitter Bitch
"Someone once said that an Englishman can read the instructions on a box of condoms and make it sound like the Magna Carta. (Which, incidentally, either says a lot for condoms, or very little for the Magna Carta. On the other hand, anyone who needs to read the instructions in the first place doesn't deserve the chance to use them.) " -- Larry Miller
"Dilbert leads a sad and frustrating life, but he's getting over a hundred thousand a year. Life could be worse." -- John Nowak
"This, unfortunately, falls under "Conversational Quips I Wish I Had Been Bright Enough To Have Made." Half the fun of writing these is rewriting the truth in a more amusing way. I will never trust an autobiography again." -- John Nowak
"Chance favors the prepared mind." - Louis Pasteur
"No pleasure philosophy, no sensuality, no place nor power, no material success can for a moment give such inner satisfaction as the sense of living for good purposes, for maintenance of integrity, for the preservation of self-approval." - Minot Simons
"This is only temporary, unless it works." -- Red Green
"Honesty should be rewarded, or at least recognized; and, failing that, used for a good giggle."
The 'reductio ad Hitlerum' argument style - the practice of reducing an argument to a facile comparison to Adolf Hitler - which cheapens both the point and the person making it.
"It's way better to have 100 idiot clients than to have one idiot boss."
"Comedy is tragedy plus timing," -- Charlie Chaplin
"There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out." -- Sam Kinison
"Sabbatical is a term in literature which means, "have a nervous breakdown and sleep with women for a year." -- Moxie Slade
"Use your powers for good, not evil. Well, you can use them for evil if you want to, but it voids the warranty..."
"Soccer moms are evil. SUV drivers aren't the spawn of Satan. Mini-van drivers are." -- Bitter Bitch
Run down by the drunken taxicabs of Absolute Reality.
Economists and philosophers, like all theoreticians, hate giving hard numbers. It makes them look so embarassed when their predictions don't come to pass on schedule.
"Dismembering your employer actually lowers your chances of receiving Severance pay."
"Well, Michigan *is* the Thailand of the mid-west." Found on Moxie Slade's Blog
"My favorite scientific theory is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." -- Unknown
"Now I don't want to be demeaning to the people that worked on the shuttle, but the shuttle has suppressed a lot of science we could be doing. We haven't landed on a planet in 20 years because we've been so excited about the service support contract on the shuttle that we haven't been doing science. We spent $10 billion on the space station and didn't produce a piece of hardware, but boy did the contractors have fun. It's shameful. It's stealing from the American public." -- Dan Goldin, NASA Administrator in a speech to the American Association for the Advancement of Science in 1996.
"Words are the only bullets in truth's bandolier. And poets are the snipers." - George Wu (D. Simmons, 'Hyperion')
"Man and boy, Jeeves, I have been in some tough spots in my time, but this one wins the mottled oyster."
"Certainly a somewhat sharp crisis in your affairs would appear to have been precipitated, sir." -- P.G. Wodehouse
"Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head." -- Romans 12:20
Sam Jackson is the god of all that is badass.
"Laws control the lesser man. Right conduct controls the greater one." -- Chinese Proverb
"Whenever anything is being accomplished, it is being done, I have learned, by a monomaniac with a mission." -- Peter Drucker
"People are like stained glass windows: they sparkle and shine when the sun's out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within." -- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
"Although eternal bliss may not be the final goal, it is a good start." -- Morgan Tarot
"A child becomes an adult when he realizes that he has a right not only to be right but also to be wrong." - Thomas Szasz
"We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming." -- Wernher von Braun
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell." -- Joan Crawford
"Ye have cast out yer brothers for devils and now complain ye, lamenting, that ye've been left to fight alone." -- Robert Anton Wilson, The Principia Discordia
"A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on." -- William Burroughs.
"To know that you do not know is the best. To pretend to know when you do not know is disease." -- Lao Tzu
Needs must when the Devil drives.
"The best situation for a booty call relationship is when the partners hate each other. You know that there isn't a chance that it'll go beyond sex and you can take all that aggression out on each other in a positive way. It's a little strange, I agree. But hey, it is achieving your purpose, isn't it?" -- Daniel Chai
Oh, you should never, never doubt what nobody is sure about.
"You don't spend three decades attending soccer matches in England without developing a sense of smell for impending mob violence."
Yes, I know I'm a freak. Hey, I'm good at what I do.
"Once consumers can no longer get free music, they will have to buy the music in the formats we choose to put out." - Steve Heckler, Sony Music Entertainment, Inc. Spoken like a true monopolist.
"In Canada, even DEATH is dull." -- The Hieratic Head of Ezra Pound
"Wha, at GM if they saw a snake they'd form committees, have meetings, and so on. At EDS, we'd just step on it and kill it." -- Ross Perot while on the board of directors at GM
"To be absolutely certain about something, one must know everything or nothing about it." -- Olin Miller
"Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore." -- Russian Proverb
"Covenants without the Sword are mere words, and offer no Security to any man." -- Thomas Hobbes
"nye vot pravda v'izvestiye ni izvestia v'pravdye"
"We've got a very casual dress code here. Fridays are clothing optional."
Time does not provide wisdom, it merely kills off the foolish. So far though, I've been lucky.
"[Penn and Teller] got hundreds of people at one of these big Earth Fest rallies to sign a petition against 'dihydrogen monoxide'."
"While other Arab leaders had their opponents killed when they felt threatened, Hussein killed to keep in practice." -- Jim Hoagland
"That's not a straw man. That's a straw chorus line."
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
"The minute the Confederacy ended, it became a memorial..."
Getting into a fight with the bartender is never a good idea.
"I have no particular talent. I am merely inquisitive." -- Albert Einstein
"Sex is more fun than logic." -- Monty Python
"I've got a plan so cunning you could pin a tail on it and call it a weasel" -- Black Adder
"Everything in moderation, including moderation" -- Navajo saying
Some people are afraid of mathematics because they think it involves numbers. The rest of us are afraid of mathematics because we know it doesn't.
If you're not living life on the edge, you're taking up too much room.
"Without Boston and San Francisco, Cambridge and Berkeley would become ... Hanover and Davis, or Middlebury and Merced." -- Glenn M. Goffin
"And I thought, "My God! She's beautiful, she's neurotic, and she cares about punctuation!" -- Josh Kornbluth
"gangsters don't go hunting people, neither. If someone gets in their face, they do what they gotta do, but it's really about territory, which the professors call "turf" on account o' they play golf all the time and that's what they call the stuff they walk on." -- Glenn Goffin
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
According to Joe Bob Briggs, dead breasts don't count.
"...In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecidented unity and harmony, The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people, regardless of prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient world order that will offer unlimited bliss and contentment. Dammit." -- Prof. Dr. Skippy "Tiang-Min" Whitmore, Berkeley CA, 1965
Immoral Minority: Charter Member
Indecision is the basis of flexibility.
Invertebrate Punster (Spinelessly unable to resist a pun)
So slug me.
I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished.
I'm not stupid; I'm not expendable; I'm not going.
I'm not tense, just terribly alert.
I'm pink, therfore I'm Spam.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Ahhh ... I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
How about never? Is never good for you?
Go to Part 7
Quotes collected from the net by Eclipse Main Sig Quote Page