"I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal." -- Groucho Marx
"Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?" -- Groucho Marx
LGBT: Liquor, Guns, Bacon, and Tits!
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." -- Dr. Suess
"If it flies, floats, or fucks, rent it."
"Never make the first offer in a negotiation."
"Perfection is the enemy of profit."
"The burqa is a forced sex slave uniform."
"Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let's try to leave better kids for our planet." -- Adam Carolla
"The paper has a right to determine what is proper for our readers." -- Mike Thayer, inside sales supervisor, Cleveland Plain Dealer
"...apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?" -- Life of Brian
"Individual Muslims may show splendid qualities, but the influence of the religion paralyses the social development of those who follow it. No stronger retrograde force exists in the world..." -- Winston Churchill, The River War (1899)
"Life is so constructed, that the event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation." -- Charlotte Bronte
"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious."
"Whatever it is you want in life, go sit at the feet of masters... just don't stay too long."
"Find out who you are and do it on purpose." -- Dolly Parton
"Success is not final. Failure is not fatal." -- Winston Churchill
"The focus this year is this concept of brilliant on the basics."
"Columbus was an immigrant who brought much needed diversity."
"Why is nine so unpopular? Because it's odd and a real square."
"Both Chrissie Hynde and Rachel Sweet are from Akron, Ohio"
"If I had six hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend the first four hours sharpening my axe." -- President Abraham Lincoln
"Never push loyal people to the point where they don't give a damn." -- Peter Drucker, 1909-2005
"There is an amazing amount of freedom in not giving a fuck."
"I don't play monsters, I play men besieged by fate and out for revenge." -- Vincent Price
"A mind like a wonderfully intricate piece of machinery with all the screws just a little lose."
"A man should always have access to emergency pants." -- Owen Z. Pitt
"No generalization is true, not even this one."
"Definition of a dilemma: You're vegan and you do CrossFit What do you talk about first?"
"Start off at the bottom, and work your way down from there."
"Hello," she said in a voice so husky it could pull a dogsled.
"If you build a church without Jesus, what you get a warehouse."
"What vitiates entirely the socialists' economic critique of capitalism is their failure to grasp the sovereignty of the consumers in the market economy." -- Ludwig Von Mises (1881-1973) Austrian economist.
"Every ship at the bottom of the ocean had a chart room."
"To be broke is not a disgrace, it is only a catastrophe." -- Nero Wolfe, The League of Frightened Men by Rex Stout
"Fast is fine, but accuracy is final. You must learn to be slow in a hurry." -- Wyatt Earp
"That which is dead cannot die." -- H.P. Lovecraft
"You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing everything with logic. If words control you that means everyone can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass." -- Bruce Lee
"If your gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough."
"Euphemism, the counterfeit of good manners, is the enemy of truth, which is the only ally worth having."
"What ever gets you high will always bring you down."
"Because there is very little honor left in American life, there is a certain built-in tendency to destroy masculinity in American men." -- Norman Mailer
"Get yourself an office with a computer and a secretary, and you can scam your way though to anything."
"To build a strong team you must see someone else's strength as a complement to your weakness, not a threat to your position or authority." -- Christine Caine
"Before today, I was scared to live, after today, I'm scared I'm not living enough."
"Vaccines cause adults."
"Moral indignation is a technique used to endow the idiot with dignity." -- Marshall McLuhan
"The moon was promised, a lunar rover built, and a pair of square wheels delivered."
"You can use an eraser on the drafting table or a sledgehammer on the construction site." -- Frank Lloyd Wright
"Never look too deep into the mind of a lawyer." -- Brisco County Jr.
"Most people are average"
"A generation that doesn't know history has no past; and no future." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art." -- Tom Stoppard
"This is typical retrograde, low-tech, Chevy Impala-type thinking. We non-linear, postindustrial children of the Information Age, however,know that the important thing is the Big Picture." - Cecil Adams, The Straight Dope
"Some rob you with a six-gun and some with a fountain pen." -- Woodie Guthrie, American Folk Singer, from his song: Pretty Boy Floyd
"We gladly feast on those who would subdue us ... not just pretty words, Fester." - Morticia Addams
Your Ex-wife and her lawyer are both drowning. Where do you go to lunch?
"There is no glory in practice, but without practice, there is no glory."
"It crumbled faster than anything edible around Rosie O'Donnel."
"No meat is more free-range, organically fed, or responsibly sourced than game meat."
"Dim lights, thick smoke, and loud, loud music."
"Race is inconsequential to a person's value to society and therefore diversity is not a worthwhile goal."
"Despair is a sin."
"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." -- George Bernard Shaw
"Unless it’s crazy, ambitious, and delusional, it’s not worth our time."
"The essence of strategy is choosing what not to do."
"You see, I love movies way too much to bother watching the Oscars anymore. And if you think about that for half a second, it will start to make sense." -- John Nolte
"Times and conditions change so rapidly that we must keep our aim constantly focused on the future" -- Walt Disney
"The Wuhan Coronavirus is a Farm to Table virus."
"Chefs that cook in front of you at a restaurant are the lap dancers of the fine dining industry."
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." -- Walt Disney
"One Thing Of Which We Can Be Certain; When Given A Range Of Options, California Always Chooses The Worst One."
"Just translate it to Esperanto and let them figure it out."
"A lot of 'minor' and 'harmless' adds up to 'Oh Shit!'"
"Luck comes from seizing opportunity, often by the neck."
Go and fix your make up, girl, it's just a break up
Run and hide your crazy and start actin' like a lady
'Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart
-- Mama's Broken Heart
"The day science begins to study non-physical phenomena, it will make more progress in one decade than in all the previous centuries of its existence." -- Nikola Tesla
We at *BRAND OR COMPANY* stand with *TOPIC OF THE DAY* against *BUZZWORD*. We want you to know that *PERSON* will not be forgotten. We must do more to combat *BUZZWORD*. *PANDERING AND CALL TO EMOTION* *SHOW SOLIDARITY WITH GROUP* Please buy our shit.
"...ultimately police aren’t there to protect citizens from criminals, so much as to protect criminals from informal law enforcement at the hands of citizens." -- Glenn Reynolds
"He took a duck to the face at 250 knots." - Pattern Recognition by William Gibson
"When people tell you you're their enemy, believe them and act accordingly." -- Glenn Reynolds
"Always plan for the fact that no plan ever goes according to plan." -- Simon Sinek
"You have to assume that Murphy is just around the next corner with a big stick."
"I just survived another meeting that should have been an email."
"Be careful or you will end up in my sermon."
"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation."
Institutions do not have opinions, merely customs.
"Ironically, the greatest amount of accountability always takes place where there is the greatest amount of freedom, not where there is the greatest amount of control."
"Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains."
"Identify your source of truth."
Masculinity is not toxic. The absence of it is.
Weak men are abusive and spiteful.
Strong, masculine men are protective and loving.
"If you enter the labyrinth, you can't complain if you see a minotaur."
"Failure is an option here. If your not failing, your not innovating enough." -- Elon Musk
"I trust God. Everyone else needs to provide data."
The "cleanest" coal plant in China makes the "dirtiest" coal plant in America look like a Temple to Gaia.
"In the UK, you will probably get arrested just for looking at a straight razor website."
"Sarcasm, because beating the shit out of people is widely illegal."
"I'm embracing my inner personal mission statement."
There once was a singer of old,
Who then broke away from the fold,
He won’t give you up,
He won’t let you down,
In a word you have been limerick-rolled.
"More consumer spending doesn't lead to prosperity, it is a product of it. A sudden influx of disposable income, outside of the negative side effects of it being from your own taxes, doesn't actually help the economy recover and grow."
"History doesn't repeat itself, but it does often rhyme." -- Mark Twain
"No matter how bad your life is, it's still not as bad as a person who sits around worrying about the gender of a plastic potato."
"All you need is love, but some freshly baked cookies and an orgasm never hurt anybody."
"Those who proclaim themselves "socialists" are usually depressing, have no sense of humor and attended an expensive college. Fate loves irony." -- Elon Musk
"I'm ready to switch from black coffee to brown whiskey way too early today."
"Going into a gunfight with nothing but a handgun is stupid and should be avoided if at all possible."
"In surprise attacks panic is the sword and shield of the attacker and it bares the breast and throat of the attacked."
"Start every phone call with 'my battery is almost dead.' That way you can hang up on them when you are bored."
"God is merciful. He will not do everything and thus take away our free will and that share of glory that belongs to us." -- Niccolo Machiavelli
"You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great."
"I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been banned from a couple churches for my jokes. So one day I woke up and decided it was time to start living for myself." -- Sam Kinison
"We know a little about a lot of things; just enough to make us dangerous." -- Dean Winchester
"The first gulp from the glass of natural sciences will turn you into an atheist, but at the bottom of the glass God is waiting for you." -- Werner Heisenberg, father of Quantum Physics
"Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it." -- Richard P. Feynman
"I got the short end of a chicken, she got the golden goose."
"John Wick is a man of focus, commitment, and sheer will."
"East Coast/West Coast cultural difference: The East coast is kind, but not nice. The West coast is nice, but not kind."
I am a demimarxist and only redistribute wealth to those with whom I feel a personal connection.
"You can only be avant-garde for so long until you become garde." -- early SNL writer Anne Beatts
"There is a lot to unpack here, but I'm going to just throw away the whole suitcase."
Rednecks are worldwide.
"Human Resources means that people are in the same category as paper clips."
The most honest thing I have ever heard from an HR professional was, "If you can't lie with a straight face, you don't belong in HR."
"World War One was basically a family feud."
Fountain pens want to connect letters. Ballpoint pens need to be convinced to write, need to be pushed into the paper rather than merely touch it." -- How the Ballpoint Pen Killed Cursive
"A pagan Karen is called Raven."
And the LORD spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.
"A man's kiss is his signature." -- Mae West
"Believe you can and you're halfway there." -- President Theodore Roosevelt
"The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have." -- Vince Lombardi
"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!" -- Audrey Hepburn
"We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone." -- President Ronald Reagan
"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door." -- Milton Berle
"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." -- Charles R. Swindoll
"Bees don't waste time their time explaining to flies that honey is better than shit."
"Nothing shows poor quality craftsmanship like creases in your duct tape." -- Red Green
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." -- George Burns
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams
"I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned." -- Richard Feynman
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila." -- Mitch Ratcliffe
"Inserting a dumpster fire into the work Slack library was the height of my daily corporate value add."
"Don't ask me what my pronouns are; you are an adult. Figure it out."
"Don't be the reason we have to write a new moose law."
If you ever think to yourself, "I wonder if that is an OSHA violation", it's safe to assume that it is actually multiple OSHA violations.
"I've been to two one hour meetings and I still don't understand this deliverable."
"Latinx is a racial slur."
"A penny for your thoughts seems a bit pricey."
"The best Christian is one who knows he needs to be a Christian."
"Happiness is dependent on self-discipline. We are the biggest obstacles to our own happiness. It is much easier to do battle with society and with others than to fight our own nature." -- Dennis Prager
"...Country music, at its best, is truth telling, even when it's a big fat lie." -- Rodney Crowell
"There was a saying, 'the blues had a baby and they called it Rock and Roll.' And I always said, yeah, and I think the daddy was a Hillbilly." -- Bobby Braddock
"Slow is smooth. Smooth is fast."
"Working cross functionally to enhance shareholder value."
bafflegab: n. official or professional jargon which confuses more than it clarifies; gobbledegook
"Find a third way."
"I just had a great conversation with HR today." -- Nobody, ever.
"Virtuous Circle of Distrust"
Like Schroedinger's Cat
I linger between two states
A cat in the door. -- John Nowak
"The night was dark. They usually are..."
"Institutions do not have opinions, merely customs."
Dance like nobody is watching. Text and email like it will be read in court someday.
"Be yourself. Everyone else is taken." -- Oscar Wilde
"She was an open book. He was illiterate." -- Maya Angelou
"You have to grow up, start paying the rent and have your heart broken before you understand country." -- Emmylou Harris
"I do feel a little embarrassed and ashamed that I was sort of saying, 'Oh, yes, I used to do country music, but I didn't inhale.' Which is not true at all. I inhaled the hell out of country music." -- Emmylou Harris
"Until I learned accounting, I wouldn't have thought it was possible to rip someone off by giving them to much stuff."
"You remind me of a fine wine. I want to stomp on you and keep you in the dark until you mature."
"Every girl is bi. You just have to figure out if it is polar or sexual."
"Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to help mom with the dishes."
"The beast in me is caged by frail and fragile bars." -- Johnny Cash
"Drink your corn liquour and leave the cocaine be."
"If the downside risk is zero, you always take the risk."
"Instruction is what we say."
"Influence is what we do."
"Who is that pickup picking up now?"
"This is the hill you want to die on?" Oh no I just love arguing. I fully intend to leave this hill once it gets boring. Sorry for the confusion!
"My sarcasm is indistinguishable from corporate marketing. I have embraced my inner Dilbert."
"A knifeless man is a lifess man."
"The difference between genius and insanity is measured by success."
"You make plans so you have something to deviate from."
"The problem with the future is that it comes too soon and in the wrong order." -- Alvin Toffler
"Authors should lead with their product, not their pronouns." -- Larry Correia
1) When the law is against you, pound on facts.
2) When the facts are against you, pound on law.
3) When both are against you, pound on the table.
"Internet arguing is a spectator sport. You argue to convince the undecided and give ammo to those on your side. Do not expect to change your opponent's mind as you cannot sway the willfully ignorant. Internet arguing is only worth it when there is an audience. The contestants do not get a vote, the audience decides who wins." -- Larry Correia
"Don't shoot first. Shoot only."
"The path to inner peace begins with four words: Not my fucking problem."
"Employers want an employee who has the wisdom of a 50 year old, the experience of a 40 year old, the ambition of a 30 year old, pay them the salary of the 20 year old, and talk to them as if they are 10 years old."
"Wisdom has been chasing you but you have always been faster."
"The term 'latinx' is Anglo Cultural Imperialism."
"Try and leave this world a little better than you found it." -- Robert Stephenson Smyth Baden-Powell
"If you look down your nose at someone long enought, one day they will punch you in it."
"When you start a company, it's like jumping off a cliff and taking parts of an airplane with you. While you're falling, you're assembling the plane. If you assemble the whole plane in time, you’re going to soar like hell. If you don't, you’re just going to be another one that jumped off the cliff." -- Nick Grewal
"Your pronouns are un/sta/ble"
"Take changes, make mistakes, get messy!"
"The chief forms of beauty are order and symmetry..." -- Aristotle
"You boil it in sawdust: you salt it in glue: You condense it with locusts and tape: Still keeping one principal object in view -- To preserve its symmetrical shape." -- Lewis Carroll, The Hunting of the Snark
"I was filled with the lonely desperation that only Hollywood can afford." -- Martha Davis
"Greens love solar panels but hate transmission lines. Good luck saving the planet with that approach."
"You can't always have a good day, but you can face a bad day with a good attitude."
"There is a sticky wicket in that can of worms down the rabbit hole."
"My mom didn't raise a quitter. she raised a perfectionist who is so afraid of failing they don't start anything to begin with."
"He was like a chihuahua: far too small for this fight, and furious about it."
"He was like an Irish Wolfhound, he could do more damage being friendly than most people could do in a blind rage."
"The United States has become a place where entertainers and professional athletes are mistaken for people importance." -- Robert A. Heinlein
Salesman of Disks: Start with a little Dale Carnegie, add some Tony Robbins, some fire-walking, and a slice of some musty, well-aged EST. Garnish with words like "synergy", "value chain", and "incent." Finish with hairspray just prior to serving. Bon Appetit! Annoying, formulaic rhetoric. Reversed: garden-variety stupidity.
"If an event involves a judge, a bride, or a casket, then put on a tie."
"The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed."
"A Fanatic is one who redoubles his effort when he has forgotten his aim." -- George Santayana
"Patience is the art of caring slowly."
"Consistency in goals, flexibility in means."
"The world of Hollywood is filled with gay people trying to act straight while the world of rock'n'roll is filled with straight people trying to act gay."
"Life is a cookie."
"It seems like traditional religiosity has simply been replaced the 'woke' world view. Basically an ideology that require 'faith' to make any sense and you are attacked for questioning." -- Sean Ono Lennon
"You are allowed to change the price of what it costs to access you."
Alpine snow blankets,
Saint Bernard's noble rescue,
Gentle giant's love.
"I'm a modest man, with plenty to be modest about."
"There is but one straight course, and that is to seek truth and pursue it steadily." -- George Washington
"If it's a good script, I'll do it. And if it a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it." -- George Burns
"Schadenfreude is a hell of a drug."
"Pi Day is a fake holiday made up by math companies to sell more math."
"Nero Wolfe talks in a way that no human being on the face of the earth has ever spoken, with the possible exception of Rex Stout after he had a gin and tonic." -- Michael Jaffe, executive producer of the A&E TV series, A Nero Wolfe Mystery
"SXSW has morphed into a $5,000 5-day Pretend To Be Cool fantasy camp for the most uncool people imaginable." -- David "Iowahawk" Burge
"Good news can wait. Bad news will refuse to leave."
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