Signature Quotes: Role Playing & other Games

These are from my collection of sig quotes, collected from years of crawling about the Internet. Share and Enjoy...

Metamorphasis Alpha is one of those games us vets can use to lord over the goths.. "You think you've got problems, fang-boy? Hell , back in '79, we was on the Warden, and my character was forced to marry the Princess of the Giant Lab Rat People! Talk about angst! You kids today..." -- Douglas E. Berry
"Impossible odds, mentally unbalanced foes, cramped quarters for a good punch-up,and they say Iest has no night life" -- Cerbus
"Where am I going and what am I doing in this handactuator-basket?"
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the weaponry to make the difference."
"Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony." -- Dennis, Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail
Druids worship trees. Zen Druids worship trees that don't exist. Reformed Druids worship trees and shrubs. Reformed Zen Druids worship trees and shrubs that don't exist.
"The greatest happiness is to scatter your enemy, to drive him before you, to see his cities reduced to ashes, to see those who love him shrouded in tears, and to gather into your bosom his wives and daughters." -- Ghengis Khan (circa 1226)
"You bust throught the door and create a diversion. They all turn and aim at you. You try to sweet talk them out of blowing your brains out, while I sneak around back, bust in, and really surprise 'em."
"I forsee that you will meet a king, the father of the beautiful Princess Plote DeVice; and he will insist that you rescue her from the keep of the infamous Duke Carad Bored Vilan."
"Can we kill the DM now?"
"Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness ."
If there were a degree for swashbuckling, it would have to include a course in laughing, then jumping off of things.
The opinions expressed here are not those of my employer, my wife, my church, or myself...But they are the opinions of Elvis as revealed to me through the medium of my pet hamster, Lee Harvey Oswald...
"In Theory, there is no difference between practice and theory."
"Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life."
PLUNDERER'S THEME (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
"--whether you are quiet and ALIVE or quiet and DEAD makes no difference to Cerebus." -- Cerebus the Aardvark
The sun never sets on the British Empire...
...because God doesn't trust the bastards in the dark!
   / \
  / @ \   "We don't exist."  The Reformed Bavarian
 /     \   Free Will Church of Illumination.

"What do we have now? Russia breaks into ever smaller and smaller pieces, Yugoslavia crawls and eats itself like a maggot ridden course, The New World Order/Era allows high-tech nations to kill five figures of people while suffering only double digit casualties, Somalia remains at law level zero dispite the Imperial Garrison." -- Jo Jaquinta
Vikings? There ain't no vikings here. Just us honest farmers. The town was burning, the villagers were dead. They didn't need those sheep anyway. That's our story and we're sticking to it.
Hostes alienigeni me abduxerunt. Qui annus est?
The line above says "I was kidnapped by aliens. What year is it?"
Gimmie That Old Time Religion

We will follow Zarathustra,
Zarathustra like we use to,
I'm a Zarathustra booster,
And he's good enough for me!

We will worship like the Druids,
Dancing naked in the woods,
Drinking strange fermented fluids,
And it's good enough for me!

In the church of Aphrodite,
The priestess wears a see through nightie,
She's a mighty righteous sightie,
And she's good enough for me!

Give me that old time religion,
Give me that old time religion,
Give me that old time religion,
'Cause it's good enough for me!

"Her mind is like a lawnmower on jumpjets: she makes amazing leaps of logic and intuition, and chews up and spits out whatever she lands on."
"You're not thinking alien enough. That's what they are! Aliens! They do alien things! Things that are really... alien" -- A.J Rimmer from Red Dwarf
"Sure it's senseless, but it's that kinda senseless that grabs you by the hair and drags you around for a couple hours..." -- Mike Murray on DOOM
"I did this 'cause Linux gives me a woody." -Dave Taylor of id Software, on his motivations for porting DOOM to Linux.
"Not a bad planet, as a matter of fact - practicing law for money there will earn you public impalement."
"Certe, Toto, sentio nos in Kansate non iam adesse."
"You're not outnumbered; you're just in a target-rich environment."
...A drawn sword, a falcon's flight, a stalwart horse, a lovely Lady....Any man who finds no pleasure in these things does not have the spirit of Chivalry...
"We were Lawless people, but we were on pretty good terms with the Great Spirit." -- Tatanga Mani, Walking Buffalo
M-16 AK-47 H&K MP-5 Heroin LSD Cocaine Marijuana Grenades TNT Bomb Thermonuclear Uranium-235 RU-486 Data Encryption Security PGP Conspiracy Lewinski Clinton Mouthlove Censorship JFK Clipper Chip Import Export Airport Spooks DIA CIA NSA FBI Secret Service FDA Brave New World Order Alien Keyword Filtering Software haha fooled you
"Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for."
"We'll do this the old-fashioned Navy way. The first one to die... LOSES!"
- Pres. "Tug" Benson, Hot Shots! Part Deux
"It involves a human skull, more specifically the cranium, and even more specifically the eye sockets. Then one does to the eye sockets what one normally does in the privacy of the bedroom with a loved one..." -- from
"Yeah, too bad there aren't really witches. Too many televangelists in the world, not enough frogs." -What's a Girl Gotta Do? by Sparkle Hayter
"Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. "
"One of the most difficult tasks men can perform, however much others may despise it, is the invention of good games. And it cannot be done by men out of touch with their instinctive values." -- Carl Jung
"WIZARD PARKING ONLY"... All Others Will Be Toad.
"May your villages remain ignorant of tax collectors, and may your sons be many and ugly and strong and willing workers, and may your daughters be few and beautiful and excellent providers of love gifts from eminent families that live very far away, and may your lives be blessed by the beauty that has touched mine." - Number Ten Ox, "Bridge of Birds"
"Any sufficiently reliable magic is indistinguishable from technology." -- Merlin
Seriously though, there are trolls, and then there are tar babies... and fighting with pigs just gets you all messed up, and ruins the signal-to-noise level of the list.- Roderick Darroch Elliott on the Traveller Mailing List.
In certain senses, I think the PMPP is the ultimate distillation of the Traveller spirit. Technophallocentric belloeroticism. -- Kenji Schwarz on the Traveller Mailing List.
"The preferred method of entering a building is to use a tank main gun round, direct fire artillery round, or TOW, Dragon, or Hellfire missle to clear the first room." -- THE RANGER HANDBOOK U.S. Army, 1992
Murderously atheistic Commie lesbians (who probably build fusion-plus powered water pipes with which to abuse drug drug) aren't what you'd want to bring home to Mom and Dad from the bar^H^H^H game store. They'd have to be gutted to the point that they're simply cooperatively-inclined secular humanists in comfortable shoes. Oh, I suppose we could let them keep the red pigmentation. Sort of like all those pastel-hued dancing girls that Captain Kirk was always after, right? -- Kenji Schwarz on the Traveller Mailing List.
"We go where the wind takes us, of course we operate mostly in vacuum!" -- Dr. Percival Caernarvon, Ship's Doctor, A.S.S. Bounty
Set co-ords to your left...
Engage the drive to your right!
Put your hands on your hips,
then you dim out those lights!
Look out of the window...
then you go in-sa-a-a-a-ane!


-- Douglas E. Berry

A: "Are those battery-powered ben-wa balls?"
B: "No, it's a Sayat attack fleet."
C: "Same difference. Run away!"
-- Kenji Schwarz
"...a starship, a robot, two sex toys, and a gun: the raw, heady essence of interstellar civilization." -- Kenji Schwarz
"Congrats, you've achieved the coveted Coffee Spluttered All Over My Keyboard critical hit." --  Craig Berry
Projectile ejection of sparkling effusion designed to quench thirst through nasal orifices bodes ill for finish of cyberspace interface device.
Overheard in a Gushemege bar, 1109:
"The Spinward Marches are so poor, you could conquer half the worlds with nothing but a few Orrimot's and ten FGMP-15's."
"The Zho's seem to have a rough time of it..."
"No FGMP-15's."
Retired Engineer: "Look, you furry cretin. I'm retired."
Vargr Mercenary: "Why do you not still work? You can still walk. You still stand. You are not dead."
Retired Engineer: "Have you TRIED fitting a 255 ton jump drive into a bungalow?"
Is Axly tough? Yes. Talented? Yes. Brave? Oh, certainly. He is also erratic, irresponsible, accident-prone, and a constant threat to public safety. The trick is to keep him pointed in the right direction. " -- Niki, from Living Steel
"Hogwash. You ever see just how HAIRY an Aslan's palm is? Yeah, meditation, uh-huh. Yup." -- Kenji Schwarz
It's the dew-claw that makes me wince. -- Andrew Smith
Top Ten Spots I'd Like to See the Asteroid Hit If It Were Coming Tomorrow:
10) My ex-boss' house.
9)  Iraq (defy these sanctions Sadaam!)
8)  EuroDisney (once again, I must apologize...)
7)  New York City (setting up that classic Charlton Heston scene in "Planet of the Apes" with the Statue of Liberty)
6)  Anywhere within 5 ft. of Bill Clinton, preferably while he is "training" a new intern.
5)  Moscow, Bejing or Paris (negotiate with Sadaam, right!)
4)  Dennis Rodman's house (he would turn it into a fashion statement)
3)  The "parallel Earth" depicted in bad 1950s sci-fi movies
2)  Bill Gates' house (he would turn it into a design feature)
1)  Los Angeles (for more reasons than I can count, ideally with Beverly Hills as "ground zero"...)

Harold Hale on the TML

"Lookit this prahm sayd a kreefer we got usselves here!  Hay-yull, it's fat azza haug, hainnit?  Gwawn, boah: squee-yul fer may." -- from the holovid feature Vargr Deliverance -- Kenji Schwarz
"Ahhh...we're using different definitions of 'dead' here. I mean dead, unrevivable, nailed-to-the-perch dead, not merely pinin' for the low berth dead..." -- Bruce Johnson
"Gvegh is essentially James Brown with fur in his throat." -- Kenji Schwarz
"The true meaning of "Dark Horror" in Call of Cuthulu is not appreciated until you face Ewoks riding Giant Space Hamsters." -- Phil Kitching
You might be a Traveller player if...You throw mice to your cat to see a dewclaw in action.
Space Viking: Ya Lars!  Now ve vill nuke dem till dey glows, und shoots dem in de dark!!
We all quit playing Traveller and have switched to a Vampire/Bunnies and Burrows combo.
Oh, the angst of my existence, I wish to hop about, but whats the point?
Bunnies we are lest Bunnies we become.
-- Douglas Berry
They're Puppy & the Brain
They're Puppy & the Brain
Their twilight campaign is easy to explain.
To prove their Vargr worth
They'll overthrow the Imps
They're Puppy & the Brain, Brain, Brain
The group was sitting around trying to explain realistic space combat to a Trek junkie (you know, the kind that think Trek is the end-all be-all of physics) and we got on the subject of kenetic weapons. One of the players used as an example, "if we opened up the cargo door and threw out the sofa you're sitting on, and it hit a ship, it would likely vaporize it." The Trek fan got a very disbelieving look on his face and said, "So what would you call that?"

That's when I popped up and said, "A futon torpedo." :-)

Evil Overlord hint No 45
Female warriors should be issued with armour, leather thong bikinis should be reserved for full dress uniform only.
"Here at Ortillery Command we have at our disposal hundred megawatt laser beams, Mach 20 titanium rods and guided thermonuclear bombs. Some people say we think that we're God. We're not God. We just borrowed his SMITE button for our fire control system"
"What's the FIRST letter in the pirate alphabet?!?!"
"What's the LAST letter in the pirate alphabet?!?!"
"What're all the REST of the letters in the pirate alphabet?!?!"

"See? Who says pirates are illiterate?"

"This has the characteristic look and feel of a complete fiasco." -- Robert Ringrose
Oh, you mean the temps from the Security, Acquisitions, and Collections departments!
-- Douglas Glatz
"Of course it originated with the Romans! Who else would need a word that means "kill every tenth person"?"  -- Loren Wiseman
Space...the final venue for amortized capitalization.
  These are the voyages of the starship Mae Lee;
Its ten-year misson:
  To obtain liquid assets adequate to the operating needs of the corporation;
  To secure a return on investment comparable with the Velshun and
    Higgs Leading Merchant Indicators, consistent with preservation of capital;
  To boldly refinance 30-year secured loans where no sophont has refinanced loans before!
-- Craig Barry
"Bystanders only count as visual cover." - Jasper Merendino
"Ronons are phonons who's liege-lord has been killed, and are forced to wander as itinerant ocillations through space/time making a living as mercenaries in subatomic armies. They are most often found amidst legions of meson particles as auxiliaries." -- Joseph R. Dietrich
"We are GURPS. You will be assimilated. We will add your distinctive setting and background to our own. Resistance is futile." -- Christopher B. Thrash
101 Religions, BITS 1998
Page 22 The Monastic Order of the Soldiers of God
'The Chaplains are on a holy mission fighting heretics...'

Customs Officer: "Let me get this straight.  Your powered armor is ceremonial garb and you are on a pilgrimage to the war-zone down in the Santo Liego slums?"
Chaplain: "The Lord works in mysterious ways."

That's the one. The Marine Assault Dress is what I see ABD as being; none of the "BattlePod" nonsense.
Real Marines want legs so they can kick the s*%t out of their opponents, and dance on their smoking remains. -- Douglas E. Berry
"Nick always rolled a coin in his right hand. You had thought it was an idle habit until he nailed an assassin in the forehead. It seems those coins were made out of superdense." -- Todd A. Zircher
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. -- culled from the Ground Zero Games List
"Ground Control to Major Tom, your circuit's dead, there's something wrong" -- David Bowie on the [TNE] Virus [Michael Bailey]
"...Yes, Greatness ideed, for I am the mighty Dr. Evil, mightiest genius the world has ever known! My weapons will inspire fear in the masses of the Americas, their leaders will tremble at my name, and the whir of the engines of my air force will cause any pilot to avert his flight lest my forces obliterate him. I will rule America and then the world! But first, I am in dire need of funding as my university grants have recently run out. Please send any donations to the Evil Foundation, New York, Empire State, P.O. Box 11476." - "The Future of the World", Dr. Felonius Evil, 1936
"What's a pantheon, and why is it angry with me..."
Adventurer's famous last words
"I would have to say that the nastiest "monster" a group of PCs can ever face is...another group of PCs. Savagely bloodthirsty, hideously well-armed, and possessed of a certain low cunning. (Just like the first group of PCs.)" -- BlackICE
1)"If it isn't bolted down = it's free."
2)" And if I have the tool to unbolt it = It isn't bolted down (see rule #1)"
"Nature hates an atmosphere. Check your suit. Check your buddy's suit." - sign in scout/courier's airlock
"OK, how many of us think Dark Star is the ultimate Traveller movie? A bunch of nut cases in a scout ship with a bomb only a Referee could love." -- Douglas E. Berry
"Anti-ninjas were the most feared assassins in the world. Instead of appearing out of thin air, throwing metal stars and messing around with Bo staffs and numchuks they simply shot people and then drove everyone mad with pointless conspiracy theories for years afterwards." -from N-Man #3
"Also, is is common that my female Aslan friend in the sensible shoes also wears flannel shirts?" -- Danny M Moody
A "klick" is a kilometer, a "tick" is a second, and a "click" is an empty gun chamber. -- Eris Reddoch
"Sarge, is it man's nature to be evil, or are we essentially good, and corrupted by desire?"
"Good Question, Smitty. PLA-TOON, TEN-HUT! On command, you will consider this question! PLA-TOON! PON- (wait for it!) DER!"
The men of the 3257th Philosophy Battalion (the Descartes Demons)
-- Douglas E. Berry
"Heroes get pushed off buildings, exposed to vacuum, electrocuted, infected, burned, drowned, poisoned, and irradiated." - page 57, Alternity Gamemaster Guide
"'Summon Demon' is a first level spell. 'Control Demon' is a ninth level spell."
"Imbibing of blue liquids will lead inevitably to the establishment of an oligarchy." - Hiver saying
Q: How many Call of Cthulhu players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them, because you never, EVER split the party!
Magic Points vs. Spell Lists
"There are two general methods of using magic in fantasy realms. You can choose between magic points or spell lists. Each idea has its devotees, but one of them sucks big time."
SJGame's "Munchinkins' Guide to Power Gaming"
"One who, on being told that this is a game about politics and intrigue in 17th century Italy, asks to play a ninja." -- Andrew Rilstone's definition of "munchkin"
"Meet me in the garden in front of the Cafe Cipatwe at dawn. Our seconds will provide swords for two and coffee for one." -- Glenn Goffin
"Win ruthlessly, loose gracefully and play the game with style!" -- Stormhound
"Let face it though. Most PCs represent the dangerously psychotic or sociopathic 2% of the population. If they were normal, they wouldn't be adventurers." -- Tod "mostly sane now" Glenn
"You're a infantryman in the 21st century. An Ogre appears on the horizon. You see a bright light. Make a new character."
"... or the Lying Scum class ship I'll Still Respect You in the Morning?
Come to think of it, that'd be an interesting name for a Free Trader. :-)" -- Leonard Erickson (aka Shadow)
Which is cool with me. Dibs on Quisling traitor in charge of California." -- Douglas "Penguin Boy" Berry
OB-1889: The analytical engine throws a cam and the intrepid aethernauts are trapped in a decaying orbit above the jungles of Venus!
"You take the blonde, I'll take the one in the turban: The Vilis Volunteer Snipers in the 3rd Frontier War.", published by Tanoose Boutique Press -- Larsen Whipsnade
You know that your PC's are in DEEP doo doo when...
The one artifact your party ever comes across makes you all lepers.
"Plasma is rarely our friend." - initial vid for PGMP school
"Weight is not Mass." - widespread vid for zero-gee training
"HEPLaR will leave a scar." - IN engineering "A" school
-- Larsen Whipsnade
"We got to be Pope! We had a roomful of gold!
What happened? How stupid can we be?
Prime Minister! Pope!... A roomful of gold!
And we end up lying in our own puke in some smelly old tavern?" - Cerebus
"When the stated opinions of the Imperium, or anyone else, are different from my own this is clear evidence that they are wrong, lying, or both." -- Hans Rancke-Madsen
"We got their hearts in this bag right here. We put their brains in this other bag; maybe you can find the minds." -- Sgt. Maj. Ve Naghfuaz, Kforuzeng Special Forces, Dentus/Spinward Marches, ca. 1108, reporting to a Zhodani advisor (Glenn M. Goffin)
Biblical canon sounds like something you use to fight off werewolf infantry. -- Joe Webb
"When they hear that racking of the old 12 gauge pump-gun, they know you didn't come to dance." -- Tod L Glenn
"...a giant beetle, holding up a sheaf of governmental forms. It means "We're Vilani. Give us what we want or we'll make your life a Kafka-esque bureaucratic nightmare." -- Paul Drye
"The best sort of harrassment is the one where the cops are polite, effcient, and dead-set on having their way." -- Doug Berry
"Bettering yourself by taking up home invasion homicide and robbery of morally-suspect non-humans (aka "Evil Monsters") is what makes it D&D." -- GypsyComet
The enemies of my enemies scare the shit out me!
"Yes, of course I fired the required warning shot before I killed him. But I think he had been hit by two or three warning shots before I even got serious."
I used to be a werewolf. But I'm alright no-o-o-o-o-o-w!
"The Aslan had the potential to be as cool as the Kilrathi in WingCommander, but are really just a bunch of hillbilly squatters with claws." -- Mike Hensley
Trillion Credit Squadron, a sort of intellectuals' war game -- MIT Technology Review Magazine, March 2002
"The Zhos make great serial villains... they sneer, consistently underestimate the heroes, and look great in black capes." -- Doug Berry
"I choose you, Pikathulhu!"
"Nothing says Traveller like shotguns in space." -- Michael Hensley
Never poke the GM... It's worse than poking the universe..or the sleeping dragon. -- Mole
The universe just reacts when poked; a GM reacts creatively when poked. -- Raymond Lenaghan
Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
[Talking about moving conscienceness to an IA controlling a starship]
"Assuming I can control the speed my computer brain works at, I'd take my ship body to a nice stellar hatchery and watch a star system form. Once late bombardment was over, I'd seed likely bodies with basic amino acids. Then wait for life to arise. Direct a few towards sentience.

Once a Game Master, always a Game Master." -- Doug Berry

"The GM is Always Right. Cruel, Sadistic, and Vicious, But Always Right."
"An Aramisian doesn't mind if the Vargr live close, as long as they don't get uppity. A Reginan doesn't mind if the Vargr get uppity, as long as they don't live close."
"Quantitatively measuring trade in the 'OTU' is like trying to determine predictive measures of trade balances and deficits between, say China and the United States, by looking at cross Indian Ocean dhow cargo traffic alone." -- Bruce Johnson on the TML
"The Credo Front of the Ine Givar believes in and strongly advocates serving rich people ... preferably stir-fried with locally grown garlic and mixed vegetables, skymelon salad, and a good Zilan eiswein." -- Undersubcommander Ledif, for the Credo Front of the Ine Givar (Glenn M. Goffin)
"Space Vikings? There ain't no space vikings here. Just us honest traders. The settlement was burning, the settlers were dead. They didn't need that technology anyway. That's our story and we're sticking to it." -- Simon Jester.
"Never become more useful to your revolutionary friends dead than alive." -- Bruce Johnson on the TML
"It's a monkey curiosity thing. You Aslan wouldn't understand." -- Gypsy Comet
"Hi, I'm looking for the Marine Recruiting Officer" says the gangly, awkward, youth in the very out of style, worn, coveralls, who couldn't read the sign outside the office.
"This is the IISS Office son, but I can see you are too good for the Marines. You want to be appreciated then the only branch of the service for you is the Scouts. Have a seat and let me fill in the application for you." -- Dan Burns
You may go play video games if you wish.

Remember this: Walk away now and you walk away from your interest in history, your ability to tell a good story, your ability to translate dreams into reality; leaving the next generation with nothing but recycled, unimaginative first-person shooters, online quasi-historical strategy games, yet another multiplayer NFL game, violence-laden driving simulations, and mindless revisions of innumerable cute Japanese animations. Depart now and you forever separate yourselves from the vital gaming legacies of James Dunnigan, Steve Jackson, Gary Gygax, Marc Miller, Loren Wiseman, Frank Chadwick, Andrew Keith, William Keith, John Harshman, Professor Barker, and Richard Tucholka.

Turn your backs now and you snuff out the fragile candles of Board Gaming, Miniatures, Fantasy and Science Fiction Roleplaying, and when those flames flicker and expire, the light of the world is extinguished because the creative thought which has moved mankind through the decades leading to the millenium will wither and die on the vine of abandonment and neglect. -- John Kwon on the TML, tipping his hat to Elwood Blues.

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wagn'nagl dominos." -- (In his house in R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits for the pizza guy.)
"You know, I saw a Vargr with a Terran menu in his hand, walking through the alleys of Arba in the rain ..." -- Glenn Goffin
"One of the things that Iain Banks has done to my Traveller games is radically change the pattern of naming ships. Witness the Far Trader Driver Carries No Change" -- Doug Berry
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